Welcome to the best and worst part of every year. It's that time where we are forced to spend time with unwanted family and purchase insane gifts, like the combination coffee maker-cellphone. While I sound nice and cynical, I don't really mean it. I love the Holidays. I am a big fan of Christmas, (being raised Christian and all) though my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, gets incredibly overshadowed thanks to Black Friday and the big guy with the beard and a red-nosed reindeer. I don't hold a grudge, I just enjoy the season.
But one of the things that has been incredibly hard for me this year was to figure out what I wanted. I don't mean in the "I want the new iPod", or "a magical Unicorn" kind of way. But what I want to get out of this wonderful time of year.
I was lucky enough, these three delicate days before Christmas to finally figure out, and actually receive what I wanted for Christmas, even before I could articulate it. This morning my boss walked into my office, thanked me for the card that I had left on his desk this morning, and handed me a card. He then thanked me for the work that I've been doing and then went on about his day. I opened the card and yes, there was a bonus inside, but money wasn't what I wanted (though I wouldn't turn it down...) It was the little note on the inside of the card, again thanking me for all the hard work and how great it was to have me around.
This was when the light appeared, (literally and figuratively, minutes later the bulb above my desk was replaced...) all I had wanted was to be appreciated. I don't want the new Kindle, or any kind of crazy junk for my car, I wanted my existence here on Earth to be recognized with the easiest, and by far cheapest, gift there is to give, appreciation.
I don't need validation that I do a good job, my ego does that enough for me as I leave my office night after night. I had just hoped that someone would notice what I do and that no matter what I give everything my all.
And that's what this wonderful season is all about. While the kids love the toys and the Santa routine, the rest of us just want to be shown that we are, in fact, appreciated. Please don't mistake my tale here for something other than what it is, my realization that all I want for Christmas is appreciation. I'm not going to go on for line after line for hours on end about how we should all be nice, hold hands, and skip together. I just think that we, as a group, need to put down some of the crap that we carry everywhere and start actually thinking. Start actually feeling something again. And hell, appreciation may not be what all of us want, some may want love, or general fulfillment, or some other kind of intrinsic need. I just needed appreciation, and the ability to learn to articulate it to other. So here it is, my articulation, my response to my Mom and boyfriend's continual nagging about, "What do you want for Christmas?" Give me a hug, say thank you, and that's all I need this year.
Merry Christmas, Happy 3rd night of Hanukkah, Happy Holidays (no matter what they are), Season's Greetings and all that jazz... :)
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
One Life At A Time
Okay so today isn't really a one-word story. It's more like one commentary on one story.
I was reading a local newspaper online when I saw a story that is unfolding in New England. It was about a set of identical, male, twins, one of whom has decided to become a woman. They are currently 14 years old, though the story of Nikki's struggle with her gender has been going on for almost all of her life.
I grew up in a small town and never knew anyone who was very different from my Christian, Western European heritage. I didn't even know anyone, on a personal level, who was Jewish until I was in college. (Yes, I have lead, and in most instances continue to lead a very sheltered life.) But I remember one day looking at a friend's Facebook, she had changed her name to a male name. Now, there are very few of us who don't mess with our Facebook names for various reasons, but it wasn't until much further investigating that I realized that she, my friend whom I had done multiple school activities with, had, (now I'm not quite sure of the terminology on this one, so please, try not to judge the rest of this sentence too harsh) decided to come out as a transgender. She is continuing to develop into a he. I cannot even imagine the intense feelings that he must have gone through not feeling as though he worked in his life as a female. But what struck me today was just how young these twins are and are making these life-altering decisions.
Now after reading the entire article, from first word to last, I understand that it isn't life-altering as it is making life endurable and comfortable for Nikki. But to have that much strength and conviction from such a young age, it just amazes me. To always know who you are and what you want is something that has eluded me for quite some time. But I applaud her, even give her a standing ovation. And an equally supportive standing ovation to her parents and brother. This is a tough road and something that most people, who are so much older than Nikki, will never be able to face never mind travel down it.
Now I have no intention of coming out as something other than my man-loving female self, I'm boring and stereotypical, and like Nikki, I accept that about myself. But it doesn't mean that I don't support her decision or others decisions to come out and be themselves. Part of my own journey into adult life has been the continuous struggle about what I want to do and who I want to be. And reading this story about just how terrible some human beings can be to one another makes me seriously think about going into some kind of advocacy field. I couldn't imagine being so hateful towards other people, and I would really (I think) enjoy being able to be a voice and an aid for people who find themselves without help. I'm only a matter of months into my big-girl job, but not believing in the cause you work for can make the work day long and boring. But doing something that you feel matters seems like it can be the most rewarding kind of job...
Just some food for thought.
Go Nikki!
I was reading a local newspaper online when I saw a story that is unfolding in New England. It was about a set of identical, male, twins, one of whom has decided to become a woman. They are currently 14 years old, though the story of Nikki's struggle with her gender has been going on for almost all of her life.
I grew up in a small town and never knew anyone who was very different from my Christian, Western European heritage. I didn't even know anyone, on a personal level, who was Jewish until I was in college. (Yes, I have lead, and in most instances continue to lead a very sheltered life.) But I remember one day looking at a friend's Facebook, she had changed her name to a male name. Now, there are very few of us who don't mess with our Facebook names for various reasons, but it wasn't until much further investigating that I realized that she, my friend whom I had done multiple school activities with, had, (now I'm not quite sure of the terminology on this one, so please, try not to judge the rest of this sentence too harsh) decided to come out as a transgender. She is continuing to develop into a he. I cannot even imagine the intense feelings that he must have gone through not feeling as though he worked in his life as a female. But what struck me today was just how young these twins are and are making these life-altering decisions.
Now after reading the entire article, from first word to last, I understand that it isn't life-altering as it is making life endurable and comfortable for Nikki. But to have that much strength and conviction from such a young age, it just amazes me. To always know who you are and what you want is something that has eluded me for quite some time. But I applaud her, even give her a standing ovation. And an equally supportive standing ovation to her parents and brother. This is a tough road and something that most people, who are so much older than Nikki, will never be able to face never mind travel down it.
Now I have no intention of coming out as something other than my man-loving female self, I'm boring and stereotypical, and like Nikki, I accept that about myself. But it doesn't mean that I don't support her decision or others decisions to come out and be themselves. Part of my own journey into adult life has been the continuous struggle about what I want to do and who I want to be. And reading this story about just how terrible some human beings can be to one another makes me seriously think about going into some kind of advocacy field. I couldn't imagine being so hateful towards other people, and I would really (I think) enjoy being able to be a voice and an aid for people who find themselves without help. I'm only a matter of months into my big-girl job, but not believing in the cause you work for can make the work day long and boring. But doing something that you feel matters seems like it can be the most rewarding kind of job...
Just some food for thought.
Go Nikki!
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thinking Little to Write Big
So now that I've finished freaking out about my friends' recent engagement, I have begun thinking about what I write. Why I haven't written anything in a long while (here or anywhere really). But also, what I write about, how I come to these topics and therefore these conclusions. As I was reading Liz Gilbert's book Committed, the sequel to her world famous book (and now movie) Eat, Pray, Love, I discovered why I have such a hard time writing.
The whole novel is a love story about her and her now husband, and the forces (US Homeland Security) which pushed her into matrimony. So in one particular chapter she writes about intimacy (not just sex) but actual personal intimacy and how that is the bond that we humans crave in a marriage. She discusses how we grow to know some one else, how it is not the life we live, but the stories we share that can create such a wonderful, lasting (hopefully) bond between lovers. She mentions how her and her husband used to tell each other stories late at night about anything and everything. These late-night story hours would begin with just one word.
I even remember discussing the poetry I was writing back in college (for my poetry course, of course) and my mother looked at me and said, "so does that mean if I gave you a word, any word, say... chimney, you should be able to write poetry about it?" I remember being a little intimidated by this impending chimney. Because I had never been asked to write anything about one word. Hell, normally my writings (both poetic and not nearly so poetic) came from volumes of research or hours of film. I never looked at any of the things I wrote as being defined by one word. My poor Senior Honors Thesis Advisor had to look at me one day and point blank tell me that if I expected to write a paper (a lengthy 25 page paper I might add) on the LARGE scope that I had just brought before her as my thesis, that it would take me years, and it would still be too large and probably turn out like crap.
So while over the years I have learned that some amazing things come from just one word, I haven't been able to harness that kind of power. But I would like to try. I want to be able to whip out at a moments notice poetry or a story that has to do with only one word, only one dog, one mattress, one petunia... When I watched Eat, Pray, Love (the film, hence the italics) I loved the discussion Liz had in Rome with her new Italian friends. It was about the words that define us, the city, anything. She wasn't allowed to be defined by her association to gentlemen or family, or her profession. It had to be something else. She ended up, not to ruin the ending for anyone, picking a word that she just thought was beautiful. I want that. I want to be able to associate myself with a particular word. I want to be able to write about a particular word.
I think this want/need to be ONE word or ONE things comes from the issue I'm having finding my place in the world. I am a daughter, sister, cousin, Administrative Assistant, pain in the ass, driver, walker, thinker, reader, writer, planner, ... etc. My life just feels so complicated. And to further complicate it I just don't know where I am any more. I want to be a student. But I think that is mostly because my comfort zone is a classroom. I want to be a writer, but I'm terrified that I am no where near being experienced enough, or good enough to actually accomplish that. I want to be an event planner, because I have an unnatural ability to for see issues and plan ahead for the inevitable. I like being in control of my life (if you couldn't already tell) these different avenues allow me to be just that. In control of my education, of word choices and my own ideas, of everyone else's parties and functions. The job I hold now, as an Administrative Assistant, allows me to be in control of my office and of the professional life which my boss leads. I don't want to be a dictator, nor do I think of myself as such. I just like knowing that I create my own destiny. My own words. My own life.
So, my goal, at least for the next week (if I plan too far in advance there is no way it is going to happen because I lose interest in things at an alarming rate, so small goals are goals for me!) is to choose a word and write about it. Write a story, do research on, just look into. I want to start investigating more of the world and more of myself through the English language. Hopefully this will mean that I will be more experienced in writing, in life and that will lead down a much more structured road. All those things I am incredibly hopeful for.
Also, though I doubt there are very many people who have made it to the bottom of this post (as sadly I do check my stats for this page on a regular basis...) I would love any input, thoughts, or words that would be fun for another human being to read. I love writing online for its anonymity, but I also like writing here for the possibility of so many different people to come together someplace I "created" to socialize and meet. But then again this blog may end up just being for me, which I am grateful for and completely accepting of.
Until we meet again...
The whole novel is a love story about her and her now husband, and the forces (US Homeland Security) which pushed her into matrimony. So in one particular chapter she writes about intimacy (not just sex) but actual personal intimacy and how that is the bond that we humans crave in a marriage. She discusses how we grow to know some one else, how it is not the life we live, but the stories we share that can create such a wonderful, lasting (hopefully) bond between lovers. She mentions how her and her husband used to tell each other stories late at night about anything and everything. These late-night story hours would begin with just one word.
I even remember discussing the poetry I was writing back in college (for my poetry course, of course) and my mother looked at me and said, "so does that mean if I gave you a word, any word, say... chimney, you should be able to write poetry about it?" I remember being a little intimidated by this impending chimney. Because I had never been asked to write anything about one word. Hell, normally my writings (both poetic and not nearly so poetic) came from volumes of research or hours of film. I never looked at any of the things I wrote as being defined by one word. My poor Senior Honors Thesis Advisor had to look at me one day and point blank tell me that if I expected to write a paper (a lengthy 25 page paper I might add) on the LARGE scope that I had just brought before her as my thesis, that it would take me years, and it would still be too large and probably turn out like crap.
So while over the years I have learned that some amazing things come from just one word, I haven't been able to harness that kind of power. But I would like to try. I want to be able to whip out at a moments notice poetry or a story that has to do with only one word, only one dog, one mattress, one petunia... When I watched Eat, Pray, Love (the film, hence the italics) I loved the discussion Liz had in Rome with her new Italian friends. It was about the words that define us, the city, anything. She wasn't allowed to be defined by her association to gentlemen or family, or her profession. It had to be something else. She ended up, not to ruin the ending for anyone, picking a word that she just thought was beautiful. I want that. I want to be able to associate myself with a particular word. I want to be able to write about a particular word.
I think this want/need to be ONE word or ONE things comes from the issue I'm having finding my place in the world. I am a daughter, sister, cousin, Administrative Assistant, pain in the ass, driver, walker, thinker, reader, writer, planner, ... etc. My life just feels so complicated. And to further complicate it I just don't know where I am any more. I want to be a student. But I think that is mostly because my comfort zone is a classroom. I want to be a writer, but I'm terrified that I am no where near being experienced enough, or good enough to actually accomplish that. I want to be an event planner, because I have an unnatural ability to for see issues and plan ahead for the inevitable. I like being in control of my life (if you couldn't already tell) these different avenues allow me to be just that. In control of my education, of word choices and my own ideas, of everyone else's parties and functions. The job I hold now, as an Administrative Assistant, allows me to be in control of my office and of the professional life which my boss leads. I don't want to be a dictator, nor do I think of myself as such. I just like knowing that I create my own destiny. My own words. My own life.
So, my goal, at least for the next week (if I plan too far in advance there is no way it is going to happen because I lose interest in things at an alarming rate, so small goals are goals for me!) is to choose a word and write about it. Write a story, do research on, just look into. I want to start investigating more of the world and more of myself through the English language. Hopefully this will mean that I will be more experienced in writing, in life and that will lead down a much more structured road. All those things I am incredibly hopeful for.
Also, though I doubt there are very many people who have made it to the bottom of this post (as sadly I do check my stats for this page on a regular basis...) I would love any input, thoughts, or words that would be fun for another human being to read. I love writing online for its anonymity, but I also like writing here for the possibility of so many different people to come together someplace I "created" to socialize and meet. But then again this blog may end up just being for me, which I am grateful for and completely accepting of.
Until we meet again...
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Life, it is a changin...
So it officially happened. My first friend from college (actually two) got engaged to each other!! I am so excited and happy for them! At the same time, I am utterly confused about how I feel. We are all fresh from college and this whole real-world thing has been taking some time to settle it. I have gotten my first big-girl job, which I love, but this whole engaged/marriage thing caught me completely off-guard.
I almost feel mean because of how weird I feel about their engagement. I've been with the same guy for a year now, and I am completely content just dating. He has a lot of things to do before we can even consider taking such a huge step. And I have plenty I want to do too. Which is fine with me, but at the same time I just feel funny. Not the laugh out loud kind, or the smashed my funny-bone kind, or even the sarcastic funny, it's some other kind of in-my-gut, making me squirm kind of funny. I just can't imagine making that kind of decision at my age (early twenties, for the record). I have a hard time picking out what clothes to wear to work, and trying to make a decision about what I want for Christmas, forget it! So making a decision about being attached to some one for the rest of my life is pretty much no where on my radar screen. Granted, I'm aware that divorce rates have been becoming out-of control (though I am lucky enough to be from a household that is still intact) and that a decision this large isn't something I'm emotionally, mentally, or even financially prepared to make. Hell, I've never even been asked yet, so how can I consider why I wouldn't want to answer when I've never been asked the damn question?
...Technically that is a lie. I was asked by my ex if I would marry him. It wasn't all that romantic and it didn't include a shiny Diamond. So does that even count?? Does the diamond make it real?? I know in Sex and the City the shoes make it real. So does it mean that there has to be some kind of material object that makes an engagement real? Does the physical motion of putting a ring (or a shoe) on some one make an engagement legal or at the least legitimate? It's like the ball and chain that all men say they get when the get married. Apparently, they started it. You "tag" us first, so we brand you back. :) Marriage must be pay back for the ring...
But back to my original point. Why is this freaking me out? Other than the obvious: I'm not old enough to have engaged/married friends. And I'm not ready for it yet either. I don't know why this whole things just blew me over. I think part of it is that I have finally started finding myself. Figuring out what I want from my life. By nature I'm not a selfish person (I'm not entirely selfless either, I operate generally, between the two) and this has held me back from being able to make my own decisions and live my life for myself. So to imagine dropping everything I've been working so hard trying to build and create in my life, just to teather myself to another person seems like an insane suicide mission. And I know plenty of people (yes, both male and female) who think just teathering themselves to another person is a suicide mission all it's own. Which definitely doesn't help the matter.
Though I do have a friend who is married and who would force marriage down my throat if she was given the option. I love her to death and we are so similiar it can be scary... But I'm just not ready to be talking about my wedding colors with her. I remember talking with some of my girlfriends about how much we have planned already about our weddings. They had color schemes, venues, hell DJ's all set. I said I wanted it somewhere close so my GIGANTIC family could be there and that I want a dress that doesn't make me look fat. That's it. That's my big planning. Now I am, also my nature, a planner. I can't help it, it's what I like and what I do well. But I plan for other people, not me. I would love to be a wedding planner or event planner, but I'm just not prepared to do it for myself yet.
Apparently the not-so-veiled theme here is I'm not ready. And as previsouly stated, I need to get asked before I can freak out about not being ready. I guess this just kind of leaves me freaking out. There are so many people in the world, especailly my world, who will tell me I'm too young anyways, so don't worry about it. But I am a worrier, and I am worried I will never be ready. Will I ever be ready to get married, have a baby, be a grown-up? For as mature as I am, I just don't feel it. It's weird. I can feel like I'm 27 and I need to remind myself I have a few more years to that milestone, but then there are moments when I still feel like I'm 16 and shouldn't be allowed to drive on my own. Growing up is a strange strange business. And I just don't feel ready. And the only logical response to that is, Tough Shit because times aren't stopping for me or anyone.
So there are my rantings and ravings for the day... Any light that can be shed on the situation is greatly appreciated.
I almost feel mean because of how weird I feel about their engagement. I've been with the same guy for a year now, and I am completely content just dating. He has a lot of things to do before we can even consider taking such a huge step. And I have plenty I want to do too. Which is fine with me, but at the same time I just feel funny. Not the laugh out loud kind, or the smashed my funny-bone kind, or even the sarcastic funny, it's some other kind of in-my-gut, making me squirm kind of funny. I just can't imagine making that kind of decision at my age (early twenties, for the record). I have a hard time picking out what clothes to wear to work, and trying to make a decision about what I want for Christmas, forget it! So making a decision about being attached to some one for the rest of my life is pretty much no where on my radar screen. Granted, I'm aware that divorce rates have been becoming out-of control (though I am lucky enough to be from a household that is still intact) and that a decision this large isn't something I'm emotionally, mentally, or even financially prepared to make. Hell, I've never even been asked yet, so how can I consider why I wouldn't want to answer when I've never been asked the damn question?
...Technically that is a lie. I was asked by my ex if I would marry him. It wasn't all that romantic and it didn't include a shiny Diamond. So does that even count?? Does the diamond make it real?? I know in Sex and the City the shoes make it real. So does it mean that there has to be some kind of material object that makes an engagement real? Does the physical motion of putting a ring (or a shoe) on some one make an engagement legal or at the least legitimate? It's like the ball and chain that all men say they get when the get married. Apparently, they started it. You "tag" us first, so we brand you back. :) Marriage must be pay back for the ring...
But back to my original point. Why is this freaking me out? Other than the obvious: I'm not old enough to have engaged/married friends. And I'm not ready for it yet either. I don't know why this whole things just blew me over. I think part of it is that I have finally started finding myself. Figuring out what I want from my life. By nature I'm not a selfish person (I'm not entirely selfless either, I operate generally, between the two) and this has held me back from being able to make my own decisions and live my life for myself. So to imagine dropping everything I've been working so hard trying to build and create in my life, just to teather myself to another person seems like an insane suicide mission. And I know plenty of people (yes, both male and female) who think just teathering themselves to another person is a suicide mission all it's own. Which definitely doesn't help the matter.
Though I do have a friend who is married and who would force marriage down my throat if she was given the option. I love her to death and we are so similiar it can be scary... But I'm just not ready to be talking about my wedding colors with her. I remember talking with some of my girlfriends about how much we have planned already about our weddings. They had color schemes, venues, hell DJ's all set. I said I wanted it somewhere close so my GIGANTIC family could be there and that I want a dress that doesn't make me look fat. That's it. That's my big planning. Now I am, also my nature, a planner. I can't help it, it's what I like and what I do well. But I plan for other people, not me. I would love to be a wedding planner or event planner, but I'm just not prepared to do it for myself yet.
Apparently the not-so-veiled theme here is I'm not ready. And as previsouly stated, I need to get asked before I can freak out about not being ready. I guess this just kind of leaves me freaking out. There are so many people in the world, especailly my world, who will tell me I'm too young anyways, so don't worry about it. But I am a worrier, and I am worried I will never be ready. Will I ever be ready to get married, have a baby, be a grown-up? For as mature as I am, I just don't feel it. It's weird. I can feel like I'm 27 and I need to remind myself I have a few more years to that milestone, but then there are moments when I still feel like I'm 16 and shouldn't be allowed to drive on my own. Growing up is a strange strange business. And I just don't feel ready. And the only logical response to that is, Tough Shit because times aren't stopping for me or anyone.
So there are my rantings and ravings for the day... Any light that can be shed on the situation is greatly appreciated.
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