I've been pretty absent around here lately, thanks mostly to the end of Spring semester, a sweet cold that Sean and I both had after finishing Spring semester, and then my parents, brother, and grandmother arriving for a mini vacation! I'm planning to write a whole blog post about it and do a bit of a photo dump. For now, I wanted to touch base on what's been happening over here, other than the start of my Summer class.
So these past few weeks have been exhausting for a whole bunch of reasons, but I've also been able to gain a lot of insight into how I've been progressing the past year. As my 25th birthday gets closer and closer, I'm realizing how far off of my health path that I've strayed. How I feel physically and emotionally have become just unbearable. So what I've finally realized is I need to start making some major changes around here. Sean and I have been doing a lot of talking about what we'd like to do. I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been, prior to this year the heaviest I'd been was about 30 lbs under what I am now. It isn't pretty over here. I'm lethargic and for the first time in my life I'm uncomfortable in my skin. Thanks to the past 2+ years of running and being more conscientious about my body, I now know what I'm capable of, I just haven't had the energy to implement it. Now, I have no choice whatsoever. I'm unable to fit into my clothes, which makes me even more comfortable, because I'm not exactly in a place financially where I can replace my entire wardrobe. I've also noticed that for the first time in a while, I don't care about style. Actually, I care tremendously, I'm just not in a position that it matters because I'm so uncomfortable in my skin.
I never in a million years thought I would be here, especially after all of the hard work I had put into my running and my overall health. It's been really disheartening knowing I got so far and have just completely caved. I can feel myself losing my self confidence and ambition. I'm so tired and lacking an overall sense of care that I'm legitimately scared for my future. If I don't make some tremendous changes, I am headed for an early grave, there's no doubt about it. My depression and self-consciousness are on totally new levels that are making it hard to function on a day-to-day basis. Overall, it's taken me a long time to realize how my standard of life has just disintegrated.
So, starting on Memorial Day, (today) I'm going to be making some big changes. I have been seeking emotional support through friends and a therapist for a while now. But I'm finally ready to start making changes to my physical health. It's going to be hard, especially with a weight loss goal of nearly 100 lbs. But I need to re-teach myself how to fight through it and fight for myself. I've done a lot of good things in my life and I'm ready to start sacrificing my fat for the best life that I could possibly have.
I'll definitely be keeping you updated as time goes on, but I wanted you to know that a lot of my not being here was me hiding from the reality of where I am right now. I'm fat, tired, disappointed, but I'm also unbelievably motivated to not be in this position again. I'm ready to fight the good fight and regain my passion and love for my life. Have a great Memorial Day!
~Elizabeth
