Easter Learning Curve

I've been having a hard time making decisions lately. I've been trying to "dream big" and create "my best life", but change isn't something that comes easy, to anyone it seems. But especially for me right now. I feel as though with all of the DC stuff coming up quickly, that it's a miracle that I can just keep my head afloat in my "regular life". But then I read this article by Molly Mahar about how we are never done. It is a fantastic article, but at first I felt it to be incredibly disheartening, just the thought that no matter what is going on, we are never going to be "done", things are always going to be overlapping and occurring without regard to our timetables. That's a hard thing to admit for a recovering perfectionist. That clean slate just isn't going to happen. Which brings me to the really shitty part of my whole DC adventure.

In June of 2012, my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. The same type of cancer that claimed my grandmother, her mother's, life in 1985, 4 years before I was even born. Over the past 9 months I've watched the chemo ravage her body, the surgery that was supposed to take care of everything, and the subsequent return of the cancer in a disgustingly quick manner. It's hard for me to share this, it's hard for me to face what is happening to my family right now, but I need to. I've been able to talk about it sometimes, but for the most part I talk about it very little, while trying not to think about it. I think the worst part for me is how I feel as though I make myself out to be better to her than I am. And that makes me feel worse, because I know there is so much more that I could be doing for her right now and I haven't. My aunt was never married, doesn't have any kids of her own, so it's just my aunts, uncles, and us, the nieces and nephews. She's like another mother to me and watching this happen to her is like a nightmare that we are never going to be awoken from.

So with all this in mind, how am I going to up and leave and move 500 miles away? I know that I'm going to, I know that I have to, but it is one hard reality. I've been talking with my therapist a lot about her, but it is never going to make my decisions any easier. What is really distorting my thinking about big change, is that cancer will very quickly make you realize how delicate and fragile our lives are. And this is not my family's first rodeo in the cancer arena, not even close. So with this delicacy in mind obviously I want to make the most out of the time that I'm here, but in order to do that I have to do some really hard things. And really, don't we all...

So the first step that I have to take is learning how to keep moving and stop giving a shit about everyone else's opinions of me. Friday, I found a blog post by Julien Smith that I had linked to on my Facebook page a year ago, it was about not giving a fuck, and holy hell did I fall in love with it all over again. So much so that I downloaded his *free* ebook The Flinch. (Yes, I said free, now go download it to your Kindle or download the free Kindle app for your Droid/iPhone/iPad/whatever the hell device we all know you have.) So right now that's what I'm doing, researching about making my life my own. I'm looking into finally getting that tattoo I've been mentioning around here. I'm looking organizing that surprise party, I'm organizing my life and focusing on who I truly want to be. And while I feel like I have a whole lot going on, I'm also not letting the guilt of what I "should" be doing get in the way of my life. So last night I went out with the boyfriend and his friends, had a margarita, went to a hookah bar and tried the apple flavored tobacco, and generally had a great night being myself and not stressing about anything other than who was going to drive us home, (after a few alcohol-less hours and 4 glasses of water, I was the winner and by far the most sober person of the group. So kudos to me and my paranoia/ last minute DD skills!) Then, this morning I got up and went to my aunt's, where I was able to spend some quality time alone with her and bring her down to our house for some pre-Easter festivities (also known as chicken pot pie and lemon meringue pie). Balance may be a myth, but my time management and decision making skills are definitely making it easier for me to feel as though I can balance things, because I am now able to make the best decisions for the life that I want to lead.

So I hope that all of you have wonderful weekends, whether you celebrate Easter, or just celebrate the weekend itself, because I know that I am going to make the most of my time here with my family, of both biological and chosen natures, while I have the chance to. Happy Easter!

There's 'snow' stopping me now!

It's just another snowy day in New England... in MARCH!! Which means yes, I was 20 minutes late to work, how did you know!? Haha, oh well, hopefully Spring will actually be here soon!

So these past few days I've been reading, "You Are an Ironman" By Jacques Steinberg and Whoa man, it is so inspiring and just way too interesting to put down. I am definitely feeling myself coming out of my reading funk that I've been in lately, which in itself is a great feeling. But what I'm loving about this book right now is how inspiring it is, this story about these weekend warriors who decide, for their own individual reasons, to sign up to compete in the 2009 Ironman Arizona (IMAZ). These people have families, jobs, you know, lives, but are still putting themselves through these unbelievable challenges of strength, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I don't think I can say enough how incredible it is.

What really struck me, was that they are just normal people, they are creating their own lives and allowing IMAZ to be a large part of that. I have officially run 1 race so far, I ran, and completed, a 5k last June as part of my 23rd birthday celebration, it felt so good. It was this beautiful Summer day running along the beach in South Boston, proving to myself that I can train and work for something, and achieve my goal. Going through school I wasn't much of an athlete, I definitely wanted to be, but I did other activities and just let me health be whatever it was. After I graduated from high school I started running, and I loved it. I would get up and work a 6-2 shift at McDonald's, then I'd go for an afternoon run. I was doing about 2 miles, which was something that I never thought I would achieve. Then I went to college, death with my Arthritis, and eventually, after I graduated from school, I found running again. Generally I run the most during the Summer and Fall, because Winter in New England is not a pretty picture (if today isn't evidence enough), and I do get bummed out about that, I want to be able to get in better shape, get rid of some of this excess weight, compete in some races, and build the life I want. I know weather is just an excuse, and so is work and any number of other things that impede a workout regiment, but soon I'm going to be shaking up my life even more and moving, beginning this whole new chapter, this whole new book! But for now, I want to enjoy what time I have left here with my friends and family, I want to put myself to the test and compete in some races where I will be able to have my friends and family present. I want to share all of these things while we still have the time. So even though it is nasty outside, after work I'm going to go to the Y, work out, let my stress go, and focus on my goals. Who knows, maybe someday I'll have my sights set on an IM too...

<3 Elizabeth

Goals and Destinations

Two posts in one day, it's like you're hit the lottery!! Haha

So I just finished "I Thought It was Just Me..." and wow. Definitely a book that I plan on keeping around and referencing. So I guess all of the little flags that I had in it will be useful. Along with doing that I did some self reflecting. Sometimes just taking some quiet time to think about your life, your plans, your story, your past, your future, and your desires can be powerful. I found that I have been trapped by my fear of imperfection. I have allowed my life to be dictated by those "perfection ideals" that float around and are completely contradictory to one another. I have also allowed myself to become very attached to blogs, in an unhealthy sort of way. Not that I have some kind of stalker-like attachment to the people that I read about or blog about here but something even more detrimental to my own growth. Instead of me going out and making my own decisions and having my own life, I have been living vicariously through their experiences. But when I'm done reading these wonderful accounts of adventure, strength, silliness, and triumph, I become lonely and sad, because I compare myself to them in very negative ways. When Mary hit "Onderland" I was so happy for her, having been reading about some of the renewed enthusiasm for weight loss. But then after the initial excitement for Mary wore off I began to feel bad about myself. How long has Onderland been a dream of mine? Much longer than I want to admit to, I remember hitting it one day my senior year of high school. That was a long time ago, and it didn't stick around for very long.
One of the reasons that I haven't been writing here very often was based on the fact that "nothing happens that is worth writing about in my life". Or, at least that's what I've been telling myself. Mostly because I'm not training for anything, I'm not working on making myself better, I'm just sitting here blaming and shaming myself into silence. But I don't want to be silent any more. I enjoy writing, even if I don't always know what to say or how to say it. So that is what I'm going to work on, being open and honest about what is going on in my life. I was also used Mary's 2013 goals as a guide, because, let's face it, Holly's goals can be a little daunting to the newly goal oriented haha. So here is what I want to work on for the rest of March:

• Running: I want to run at least a 10k this year, so the first thing I need to do is get on a treadmill, or out on the streets and put one foot in front of the other.
• Taking my medications: A lot of my shame is based on my emotional and physical health, so making sure that I am taking my medications properly is going to be a big goal of mine. I'm hoping that by making it a priority I can truly begin to accept myself and my perceived flaws.
• Watching 1 movie and reading 1 book per week. This is part of my 101 goals!!
• Getting 7 hours of sleep per night: I want to be more productive, but that isn't going to happen if I don't make it an effort to get enough rest.

So there it is, my list. And I plan on holding myself accountable by checking in here and talking about my struggles, my triumphs, my strengths, and my successes!!

<3 Elizabeth

Where I'm Going

Happy St. Patty's  Day Saturday!!

So I've definitely been MIA recently, partially because work has been insane and because I'm currently recuperating from my second bout of strep throat in 2 weeks (which has been great...). But there is definitely some big news to be shared with you, oh anonymous Internet followers, I got into the English Master's program at The George Washington University!!!!! So things around here have been focused on celebrating (obviously) and trying to figure out how I can afford to move myself and my ever growing collection of books from Boston to Washington DC... Still working on the details! But I am thrilled to also announce that I'm all geared up to visit DC in April!! So excited to look at the school and look into some apartments! So obviously this means I owe you a TON of 101 posts, mostly because 2 of my goals were to apply to grad school, and get accepted... So yeah I've been kind of slacking in that dept., but I've still somehow been able to continue to cross things off, which feels amazing.

The other reason that I decided that I needed to check in was just to clear my head, get out some of the things floating around in my brain that needed a place to settle so that I can relax. So without further ado, some random thoughts from my brain:

• I've been doing a lot of thinking about perfectionism. This is definitely a (sort of) illness that I suffer from, and the more and more that I let it affect my life, the less and less I'm able to enjoy whats going on around me. I started reading Brene Brown's "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't): Making the Journey from 'What Will People Think?' to 'I am Enough'". And holy cow, has it spoken to me. Her extensive research on shame and how perfectionism is linked with shame is eye opening. As an aside, I hate writing in books, can't explain it, it just irks me, but this book, well I needed some way to mark passages that I thought were important, so I've flagged the hell out of this book... Now it looks like it's been attacked by a rouge band of post-it flags. 

• So this research into what makes me, "me" has lead me to realize that I don't know what growth looks like. My whole life I've learned that growth leads to perfection. Except, perfection doesn't really exist. So now I'm trying to figure out how to move away from perfection so that I can learn to grow. It's a pretty daunting task. I have this really hard time with discipline vs pressure. I can easily pressure myself into doing things, but that is only until I am so stressed out from the unattainable things that I've pressured myself that I fall apart or get sick from the exhaustion of trying to balance everything in my life. But discipline, well that's a whole different ballgame. Planning, which also goes hand-in-hand with growth and discipline, has also been something that I thought I was really good at, but come to find out I plan things that sound like they would be wonderful, not actually taking into account the realities of my 12 hour work days, friends, gym, and a new boyfriend. Yeah, it's a little difficult. 
• So, what I've decided to do, is to start making realistic plans, there are definitely things that I'd like to accomplish. So I am going to plan before I just "jump into action, then die from exhaustion". I want some solid goals that are realistically accomplished before I move to DC. And even though my goal for this year was to run a half marathon, maybe part of being more realistic is accepting that I'm not Ben, or Liz, and that I need to set my sights on a completing a 10k this summer, which would still be 3 miles longer than I've ever run in my life. So hey, that would be quite a freaking accomplishment. 
• In other news, I need to figure out how to downsize the crap I currently have in my room and basement so that I can finally have my own apartment and not be using my books as makeshift furniture haha. That is going to be quite the accomplishment as well, right now my bookshelf is double stacked and I have multiple boxes down in the basement. Not to mention my Harry Potter series is currently taking up the entire (large) drawer in the bottom of my desk. Yeah, I know, I have a problem. 
• But all in all, life is really good right now. I'm starting to really get to know myself, getting to understand what makes me tick, what my shortfalls are, and where I want to start moving towards. (other than DC hahaha!!) So I'm going to leave you with this, a wonderful picture my Dad sent me at work the other day (so yes, this is counting as my "accepted to grad school" post!):

Now go enjoy the St. Patty's Day Festivities!!! <3 Elizabeth