So I just finished "I Thought It was Just Me..." and wow. Definitely a book that I plan on keeping around and referencing. So I guess all of the little flags that I had in it will be useful. Along with doing that I did some self reflecting. Sometimes just taking some quiet time to think about your life, your plans, your story, your past, your future, and your desires can be powerful. I found that I have been trapped by my fear of imperfection. I have allowed my life to be dictated by those "perfection ideals" that float around and are completely contradictory to one another. I have also allowed myself to become very attached to blogs, in an unhealthy sort of way. Not that I have some kind of stalker-like attachment to the people that I read about or blog about here but something even more detrimental to my own growth. Instead of me going out and making my own decisions and having my own life, I have been living vicariously through their experiences. But when I'm done reading these wonderful accounts of adventure, strength, silliness, and triumph, I become lonely and sad, because I compare myself to them in very negative ways. When Mary hit "Onderland" I was so happy for her, having been reading about some of the renewed enthusiasm for weight loss. But then after the initial excitement for Mary wore off I began to feel bad about myself. How long has Onderland been a dream of mine? Much longer than I want to admit to, I remember hitting it one day my senior year of high school. That was a long time ago, and it didn't stick around for very long.
One of the reasons that I haven't been writing here very often was based on the fact that "nothing happens that is worth writing about in my life". Or, at least that's what I've been telling myself. Mostly because I'm not training for anything, I'm not working on making myself better, I'm just sitting here blaming and shaming myself into silence. But I don't want to be silent any more. I enjoy writing, even if I don't always know what to say or how to say it. So that is what I'm going to work on, being open and honest about what is going on in my life. I was also used Mary's 2013 goals as a guide, because, let's face it, Holly's goals can be a little daunting to the newly goal oriented haha. So here is what I want to work on for the rest of March:
- Running: I want to run at least a 10k this year, so the first thing I need to do is get on a treadmill, or out on the streets and put one foot in front of the other.
- Taking my medications: A lot of my shame is based on my emotional and physical health, so making sure that I am taking my medications properly is going to be a big goal of mine. I'm hoping that by making it a priority I can truly begin to accept myself and my perceived flaws.
- Watching 1 movie and reading 1 book per week. This is part of my 101 goals!!
- Getting 7 hours of sleep per night: I want to be more productive, but that isn't going to happen if I don't make it an effort to get enough rest.
So there it is, my list. And I plan on holding myself accountable by checking in here and talking about my struggles, my triumphs, my strengths, and my successes!!
<3 Elizabeth
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