Word Choices

Please excuse me while I rant a bit, but come to a phenomenally pertinent conclusion.

I've been working at a new job for over a week now, and I love it! The atmosphere, my coworkers, its all been great. Plus, my first Friday with the company was their holiday party which I helped with, so that wasn't a terrible way to end my week either.

My final papers for grad school are all turned in (one's even been graded and it didn't make me cry!!), the last one being turned in Monday night. So I am just now breathing again, holy crap did I not realize how stressed out I'd really been until I finally took a moment after finishing my last paper and feeling the weight almost literally lift off of my chest, suddenly a deep breath didn't seem to intimidating, it felt necessary. The only thing I have left to do is grade some final papers of my students, then I'm D-O-N-E done with my first semester. It's an exciting feeling.

So work has been pretty slow this week, which has been an added bonus because I'm still catching up on sleep from all of my papers and things. I've been doing a lot of reading over at positivelypositive.com and enjoying picking up the trail where I left off months and months ago. So this morning I started thinking about what it would look like to take care of myself. Not in a "It's Sunday, I haven't showered since Friday between Netflix distracting me and paper writing/grading/reading. Oh, and when was the last time I shaved my legs...?" kind of way, but in a, "What if I woke up in the morning and felt rested, not like I need an immediate influx of Starbucks espresso to keep me borderline functioning?" Through a bit of looking inward, and reading this tremendous letter that allowed me to look inward (because that has always seemed like such an elusive idea to me), I came to a conclusion, courtesy of an orange. That's right, courtesy of a piece of fruit (that was delivered yesterday to the office for someone who doesn't work here any longer), I had this moment.

Enter this orange, well this peel:

 

(That's right I managed to peel the whole thing in one piece! But also, it took a knife to get it started... peeling oranges is a weak spot for me, which is a really awkward weak spot to have.)

That says "Made for Kids". Reading that sticker stopped me in my tracks. What do you mean "MADE"!?!?!?!? Oranges=fruit=trees= GROWN not made. (Right here this post can go into a crazy discussion about overly processed foods and organic/natural/food, but it's not. It is taking a really crazy left turn.)

I got mad that the producers of this orange made a huge word choice mistake. Oranges are grown, from the ground. Grown. So I sat there, thinking about how stupid the people who make these oranges are.

After quickly inhaling the orange I started back thinking about how I need to take care of myself, how I need to better "balance" myself. (I don't really like using that word, but for the moment, I don't have the right vocabulary word for what I'm seeking.) I then started thinking about how I have trust issues, mostly with myself. Because I don't trust myself to get things done, it ends up spilling over and makes me a worrier, which I hate about myself. I thought about the plans and goals that I break and don't seem to care. And in that moment, writing down the two words, "plans" and "goals" I realized how incredibly different they are. I was making a terrible word choice. I have been beating myself up and berating myself because I "break" my goals. And that has been ruining my trust since I was first dieting as a younger girl. I have a terrible habit of putting everyone's needs ahead of my own, so I never kept plans for myself. And that revelation alone made me realize why I am a procrastinator, because I always come last. But what I've been missing over the years is the difference between breaking plans and promises to myself, and giving up on my goals. Goals are something that I want to achieve. Promises are something that I need to achieve. Man, was that clarity overdue. 

So as I finish up my semester, finish up this week, my Christmas shopping, and start creating goals, I'm realizing that by making goals I want to achieve in 2014, I am promising myself that I am going to try, but that if I don't achieve them, I am not an untrustworthy person. I am going to work on keeping plans with myself, making myself a priority, and keeping promises. I need to make a change and now that I'm startiong to make great strides in my vocabulary, hopefully the skills aren't far behind.

What word choices are you making that may not be working towards a better you?

~Elizabeth

The Post Mortem

Happy Thirsty Thursday!!

I'm thrilled to announce that as of 6:00 pm EST, I am DONE with being a GTA and my first semester of graduate school. (Okay, I still have 3 final papers to do, but still, no more classes for this Chicky!!) So as I sit here waiting for a student to arrive for a quick review of their paper, I'm thinking about the semester overall. And holy crap I can't believe I survived. I couldn't have done it without Sean, Netflix, or that really spontaneous trip to Boston. That I can tell you FO SHO!
But what I have done is survived the past 6 months without a certain someone. Wow, it's almost been 6 months. That realization just hit me as I thought about how hard this semester has been because Diane wasn't constantly available to me via the telephone. We used to talk a lot, and for long (looong) spans of time. So with all of my awesome mourning, and just general hormonal imbalances, it really isn't my ability to make it to the end of the semester, but Sean's. And I think that is a tremendous sign. Especially because we don't hate each other, and are actually having a "date day" tomorrow where we listen to Christmas music/watch Christmas movies and put together and decorate our first Christmas tree.
That has been the best thing about this whole 2013, Sean. I met him 10 days before Diane's surgery, 2 months before I was accepted to grad school, but exactly when I needed it. We may not have kissed at midnight on January 1st, or even spoken/text each other that night, but he has absolutely been instrumental in me making it to this point and not being a total quitter, who likes to sit in the corner in the fetal position. How lucky am I??

So, now that I have been successfully stood up, I'm off to write some papers and celebrate the accomplishment that is my first semester of graduate school :) (And I realize this post is definitely not about school at all… oh well!)