So with work being particularly dead this week I've had a lot of time to think about my life. I've also had a lot of time to read. So here are some of the things I've learned through my "self-reflection" (aka crying) and my readings.

Deep Thinking (kind of): 

If I don't sit down and write things or actually actively think about my life, I get what I am now calling "emotional constipation". I get overloaded with emotions to a breaking point and then I weep while laying in bed on a Thursday afternoon when I should be at Zumba. ...Okay, so the second half of that was pretty strictly referring to yesterday, however; that shit happens. One of the most important parts of therapy has been me figuring out how to not cry. I am a crier. It's a part of who I am (especially that special time of month I now refer to as "shark week"). So while missing my most exciting and group-oriented exercise activity, I truly believe my meltdown was a HUGE NEON SIGN in the face saying: "do not neglect to write and to understand your feelings". 

Reading Enlightenment:

1) I have a tendency to enjoy ordering books from amazon.com rather randomly. (Which is why I refuse to own a Kindle though they are convenient and cute.) This tendency also includes me ordering memoirs about people who have battled, and have learned to move forward, from their depression. The first book was, Hide & Seek by Wendy Aron who's wonderful ability to make a joke at her anxiety and depression made me realize how my sense of humor could be part of the solution, not just a sarcastic addition to my troubles. And that revelation really did help me months ago when I was seriously struggling and in between therapists. This evening I finished reading "Struck by Living: From Depression to Hope" by Julie Hersh. I have been doing much better with my depression, especially since starting consistent physical activity and therapy with the most wonderful woman named Susan. Julie's incredible journey through depression throughout most of her life reminded me how fragile we all are. This life is a gift, even if sometimes we are unable to recognize the gift through the daze and darkness. For anyone who struggles with anxiety or depression I highly recommend these books, it allows a view that is different, yet told from a landscape that all people who struggle with depression and anxiety recognize and relate to. Not that I have any kind of formal medical or psychiatric training, I just found the two enlightening, and dare I say it... really enjoyable.

2) Now along with reading Hersh's book on my way to and from work, while at  work I found a wonderful blog Holly Would If She Could. While my book reading has been about the depression, this blog is all about where I hope to be heading. Holly discusses her life, style, exercise, and shares a TON of healthy recipes that fit into her Paleo way of life. (I think if she were to see this and see that i had labeled it a diet, might get upset... So as not to disappoint my new-found hero, I'm giving it the esteemed title, "lifestyle". And really, the way she cooks and uses it, it is WAAAAY more than a fad diet.) But this blog, along with being funny and entertaining is helping me see the bright, shiny, thin side of life. What initially got me hooked was her discussion about her weight-loss path. I found it enjoyable while not overpowering. She is not one to demand you reject your way of life and never eat another grain again. I like how real her blog is, how excited about everything (including cooking dinner... even when shes SICK!) And in the few short days that I have been reading I've found her energy so exciting and her extensive (incredibly extensive) 2012 Goals list inspiring.

So with all of this thinking and wonderful reading, my plan this fantastic Memorial Day weekend is to make my a 2nd half of 2012 Goals list. I'm hoping that with such wonderful opportunities in the next six months (including the impeding 23rd birthday in June!) I will be able to continue my climb towards continued happiness and balance. Having Goals is the first step! So I will hopefully be posting those steps here once I figure out what exactly it is I want. And if you were to ask my boyfriend, the wonderful Shawn, that is NOT an easy task.

Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone! "And I'll see you after the weekend..."

The Wonderful World of What If's

Good Morning! (or afternoon...)

I haven't been here in a while and for that I apologize. I can give you a million excuses, God knows I've been storing and using those for years. But the reason that I haven't been writing is because I haven't known what to say, what to write, or what I really wanted this blog to be about. I have been doing research and so many other bloggers have a theme, like marriage, or raising children. I just like to complain about the injustices in my life. Which aren't that many, nor are they truly blog-worthy. So this morning I came up with an idea. It is this absolutely insane idea.

What if I worked for what I wanted? What if I allowed myself the right to work harder and lose weight? What if I finally started writing a book (and working on my blog)? What if I finally inspire others the way I watch others inspire me? What if I stopped asking what if and made it happen?

So there it is. This blog is me, learning how to live a fulfilling life in any form that I choose. I'm still fighting with my depression, (thanks to a WONDERFUL therapist I don't have to fight quite so hard) and I'm still just Elizabeth. But I am going to document my day-to-day dealings with leading a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.

Today I finally signed-up (and paid [gasp!]) for a Weight Watchers membership. I have done weight watchers (back when their entire booklet was thinner than a deckof cards mind you) and I had great success with it, but just never really followed through. I tried to do this in January (like ever other knuckle head with a scale) but gave up after a few weeks because I'm a) impatient and the pounds weren't running away from my midsection fast enough and b) I wasn't mixing up my eating. I was eating the depriving myself of the same things everyday. This combination of things eventually lead to eating the better portion of a 1lb bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs (those things are like my crack! If they were available year round I would easily be 500lbs). But in April I started using Pinterest (which is my work-crack). I started finding inspirational quotes and exercises along with all kinds of fun cake decorations. My goal was to do 50 workouts before I step foot on a cruise in July. And I am incredibly proud to announce that as of today I am 25 workouts down in under 6 weeks. :) The unfortunate news that comes along with that is that my weight has been fluctuating in the same 8 lb range. I haven't done any major changes to my diet, therefore because I am suddenly doing so much physical activity, I am allowing myself anything covered in chocolate or cheese I can find. But today, spending actual money on my diet means I am actually making progress. If I can drop over $50 at Barnes & Nobel then another $40 on Amazon.com on books in the course of 4 days. I can DEFINITELY afford to spend $5/week on eating and living healthier.

So there it is, step one: admitting my problem, identifying what I'm doing right, then focusing on fixing all of the other crap.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Source: quotediary.me via Elizabeth on Pinterest