Stressing Out and Being Myself

So last Friday was my final day at work, meaning today I spent my day running around like a chicken with no head trying to get all of my last-minute things together before I relocate to Virginia. I was up and productive and incredibly proud of myself going into this afternoon. Then, I stopped at Taco Bell (which I've been craving, not proud of it, but it's the truth) and headed over to the RMV. That was where my productivity came to a screaming halt. I don't have some paperwork I needed to complete my transaction. So that was an hour wasted. In an attempt to try to continue the productivity and try to make myself better, I ran to Walmart and grabbed some organizational things for my new life in VA. I also grabbed a snickers bar and was half-way done with it before I even got out of the parking lot. I wasn't hungry, I was actually still full from lunch. But something just wasn't right and I thought that at the bottom of the wrapper was where I was going to find happiness and enlightenment. I found neither. (I know, shocking!)

So the stress of the move, coupled with the loss of my aunt last month has been tremendous and today it really got to me. But what I wanted to know is why was I so upset with myself? I stepped on the scale this morning and learned that I've officially gained all the weight back that I lost 3 years ago. Yeah, that was a great start to my day. But I put it out of my head knowing that I ate my way through my emotions in June, until I had that snickers bar, which was when i realized that I've just lost all sense of really caring for my body. I know that I'm a bit hefty (and that is being incredibly forgiving), but I just haven't really cared enough about myself to make a change. I've just been playing the guilt game, making myself feel just shitty enough to function, but not enough to actually try to change my ways. So I started to question what has been going on with me, why I feel the way I do. I mean Hell, I ran a 10K on July 3rd and just hated it. I didn't enjoy the experience at all because I was too busy beating myself up for abandoning my training right around my birthday. Well true to the formula, when I started asking questions, I started facing answers that I didn't like. And like a ton of bricks, my emotions and the truth knocked the wind out of me and tears started free-falling. I started by made a list of the things that I didn't like myself and when I got to the 4th thing, "My Shitty Immune System", suddenly my universe just clicked into place. 

I was diagnosed with RA in September/October 2007. My first semester in college. I know that I've mentioned it before but I've never accepted the diagnosis and as such, I haven't really accepted myself. I hate that I have this disease, especially because I feel so damn lucky that I've responded so well to treatment. I feel as if my complaints aren't legitimate because no one can see anything wrong with me. But it has wreaked havoc on my self esteem and my self love. I hate myself because of this disease. I hate that at 18 years old I essentially gave up on myself. In the past 6 years I've been able to lose weight, but really I just haven't cared, unless I've been single and looking. But honestly, I just don't find myself caring what I look like at all. I find myself jealous of other women and their style, confidence, bodies, essentially their EVERYTHING! I know that I have a tendency to be a perfectionist (mostly to hide my self hatred and that is a very difficult thing to do) but I'm just now starting to discover just how enormous this iceberg of jealousy and hatred really is. 

I don't ever remember a time when I felt "good enough" for anything. But I specifically have not felt "good enough" since my diagnosis. I have always had these feelings of being a burden or being too needy and loathing myself because of it. I have only ever taken pride in myself when it was absolutely necessary, like job interviews, first dates, or weddings. Even this blog, I've been neglecting it because all I've felt other the past month is varying degrees of stress, grief, and self hatred. It seems as thought I  created my 101 list as a way to make my life more exciting, to seem "better" or "cooler" than I really am. I'm still hiding myself in an attempt to "fit in". And by doing so I'm cheapening myself and my experiences. I seem to have turned into an attention whore in the way that I need attention like I need oxygen. That's why I've loved texting, Facebook, instant messenger, and all things instant gratification (chocolate, I'm also looking at you). But I've only allowed you to see the best version of myself, not the version I'm working towards, just the false "happy all the time" version. Hell, even my last few meetings with my therapist I've been hiding the true unhappiness. I've been hiding myself for years. 

I want to be true to Elizabeth. I've been listening to Trish Blackwell's podcast "Confidence on the Go" and she keeps bringing up the idea of living life "congruent to who you are" and that has just resonated with me so much. I've felt that this is where my disconnect is. I'm not acting as Elizabeth, I'm acting as the attention whore. And that is not what I want. I want to be who I am. And that is just what I am going to do. I want to discover myself and be open and honest about what I actually need, not just what "looks and sounds right". So here is to the path of most resistance and the most personal growth.