Easter Learning Curve

I've been having a hard time making decisions lately. I've been trying to "dream big" and create "my best life", but change isn't something that comes easy, to anyone it seems. But especially for me right now. I feel as though with all of the DC stuff coming up quickly, that it's a miracle that I can just keep my head afloat in my "regular life". But then I read this article by Molly Mahar about how we are never done. It is a fantastic article, but at first I felt it to be incredibly disheartening, just the thought that no matter what is going on, we are never going to be "done", things are always going to be overlapping and occurring without regard to our timetables. That's a hard thing to admit for a recovering perfectionist. That clean slate just isn't going to happen. Which brings me to the really shitty part of my whole DC adventure.

In June of 2012, my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. The same type of cancer that claimed my grandmother, her mother's, life in 1985, 4 years before I was even born. Over the past 9 months I've watched the chemo ravage her body, the surgery that was supposed to take care of everything, and the subsequent return of the cancer in a disgustingly quick manner. It's hard for me to share this, it's hard for me to face what is happening to my family right now, but I need to. I've been able to talk about it sometimes, but for the most part I talk about it very little, while trying not to think about it. I think the worst part for me is how I feel as though I make myself out to be better to her than I am. And that makes me feel worse, because I know there is so much more that I could be doing for her right now and I haven't. My aunt was never married, doesn't have any kids of her own, so it's just my aunts, uncles, and us, the nieces and nephews. She's like another mother to me and watching this happen to her is like a nightmare that we are never going to be awoken from.

So with all this in mind, how am I going to up and leave and move 500 miles away? I know that I'm going to, I know that I have to, but it is one hard reality. I've been talking with my therapist a lot about her, but it is never going to make my decisions any easier. What is really distorting my thinking about big change, is that cancer will very quickly make you realize how delicate and fragile our lives are. And this is not my family's first rodeo in the cancer arena, not even close. So with this delicacy in mind obviously I want to make the most out of the time that I'm here, but in order to do that I have to do some really hard things. And really, don't we all...

So the first step that I have to take is learning how to keep moving and stop giving a shit about everyone else's opinions of me. Friday, I found a blog post by Julien Smith that I had linked to on my Facebook page a year ago, it was about not giving a fuck, and holy hell did I fall in love with it all over again. So much so that I downloaded his *free* ebook The Flinch. (Yes, I said free, now go download it to your Kindle or download the free Kindle app for your Droid/iPhone/iPad/whatever the hell device we all know you have.) So right now that's what I'm doing, researching about making my life my own. I'm looking into finally getting that tattoo I've been mentioning around here. I'm looking organizing that surprise party, I'm organizing my life and focusing on who I truly want to be. And while I feel like I have a whole lot going on, I'm also not letting the guilt of what I "should" be doing get in the way of my life. So last night I went out with the boyfriend and his friends, had a margarita, went to a hookah bar and tried the apple flavored tobacco, and generally had a great night being myself and not stressing about anything other than who was going to drive us home, (after a few alcohol-less hours and 4 glasses of water, I was the winner and by far the most sober person of the group. So kudos to me and my paranoia/ last minute DD skills!) Then, this morning I got up and went to my aunt's, where I was able to spend some quality time alone with her and bring her down to our house for some pre-Easter festivities (also known as chicken pot pie and lemon meringue pie). Balance may be a myth, but my time management and decision making skills are definitely making it easier for me to feel as though I can balance things, because I am now able to make the best decisions for the life that I want to lead.

So I hope that all of you have wonderful weekends, whether you celebrate Easter, or just celebrate the weekend itself, because I know that I am going to make the most of my time here with my family, of both biological and chosen natures, while I have the chance to. Happy Easter!