So it officially happened. My first friend from college (actually two) got engaged to each other!! I am so excited and happy for them! At the same time, I am utterly confused about how I feel. We are all fresh from college and this whole real-world thing has been taking some time to settle it. I have gotten my first big-girl job, which I love, but this whole engaged/marriage thing caught me completely off-guard.
I almost feel mean because of how weird I feel about their engagement. I've been with the same guy for a year now, and I am completely content just dating. He has a lot of things to do before we can even consider taking such a huge step. And I have plenty I want to do too. Which is fine with me, but at the same time I just feel funny. Not the laugh out loud kind, or the smashed my funny-bone kind, or even the sarcastic funny, it's some other kind of in-my-gut, making me squirm kind of funny. I just can't imagine making that kind of decision at my age (early twenties, for the record). I have a hard time picking out what clothes to wear to work, and trying to make a decision about what I want for Christmas, forget it! So making a decision about being attached to some one for the rest of my life is pretty much no where on my radar screen. Granted, I'm aware that divorce rates have been becoming out-of control (though I am lucky enough to be from a household that is still intact) and that a decision this large isn't something I'm emotionally, mentally, or even financially prepared to make. Hell, I've never even been asked yet, so how can I consider why I wouldn't want to answer when I've never been asked the damn question?
...Technically that is a lie. I was asked by my ex if I would marry him. It wasn't all that romantic and it didn't include a shiny Diamond. So does that even count?? Does the diamond make it real?? I know in Sex and the City the shoes make it real. So does it mean that there has to be some kind of material object that makes an engagement real? Does the physical motion of putting a ring (or a shoe) on some one make an engagement legal or at the least legitimate? It's like the ball and chain that all men say they get when the get married. Apparently, they started it. You "tag" us first, so we brand you back. :) Marriage must be pay back for the ring...
But back to my original point. Why is this freaking me out? Other than the obvious: I'm not old enough to have engaged/married friends. And I'm not ready for it yet either. I don't know why this whole things just blew me over. I think part of it is that I have finally started finding myself. Figuring out what I want from my life. By nature I'm not a selfish person (I'm not entirely selfless either, I operate generally, between the two) and this has held me back from being able to make my own decisions and live my life for myself. So to imagine dropping everything I've been working so hard trying to build and create in my life, just to teather myself to another person seems like an insane suicide mission. And I know plenty of people (yes, both male and female) who think just teathering themselves to another person is a suicide mission all it's own. Which definitely doesn't help the matter.
Though I do have a friend who is married and who would force marriage down my throat if she was given the option. I love her to death and we are so similiar it can be scary... But I'm just not ready to be talking about my wedding colors with her. I remember talking with some of my girlfriends about how much we have planned already about our weddings. They had color schemes, venues, hell DJ's all set. I said I wanted it somewhere close so my GIGANTIC family could be there and that I want a dress that doesn't make me look fat. That's it. That's my big planning. Now I am, also my nature, a planner. I can't help it, it's what I like and what I do well. But I plan for other people, not me. I would love to be a wedding planner or event planner, but I'm just not prepared to do it for myself yet.
Apparently the not-so-veiled theme here is I'm not ready. And as previsouly stated, I need to get asked before I can freak out about not being ready. I guess this just kind of leaves me freaking out. There are so many people in the world, especailly my world, who will tell me I'm too young anyways, so don't worry about it. But I am a worrier, and I am worried I will never be ready. Will I ever be ready to get married, have a baby, be a grown-up? For as mature as I am, I just don't feel it. It's weird. I can feel like I'm 27 and I need to remind myself I have a few more years to that milestone, but then there are moments when I still feel like I'm 16 and shouldn't be allowed to drive on my own. Growing up is a strange strange business. And I just don't feel ready. And the only logical response to that is, Tough Shit because times aren't stopping for me or anyone.
So there are my rantings and ravings for the day... Any light that can be shed on the situation is greatly appreciated.
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