So now that I've finished freaking out about my friends' recent engagement, I have begun thinking about what I write. Why I haven't written anything in a long while (here or anywhere really). But also, what I write about, how I come to these topics and therefore these conclusions. As I was reading Liz Gilbert's book Committed, the sequel to her world famous book (and now movie) Eat, Pray, Love, I discovered why I have such a hard time writing.
The whole novel is a love story about her and her now husband, and the forces (US Homeland Security) which pushed her into matrimony. So in one particular chapter she writes about intimacy (not just sex) but actual personal intimacy and how that is the bond that we humans crave in a marriage. She discusses how we grow to know some one else, how it is not the life we live, but the stories we share that can create such a wonderful, lasting (hopefully) bond between lovers. She mentions how her and her husband used to tell each other stories late at night about anything and everything. These late-night story hours would begin with just one word.
I even remember discussing the poetry I was writing back in college (for my poetry course, of course) and my mother looked at me and said, "so does that mean if I gave you a word, any word, say... chimney, you should be able to write poetry about it?" I remember being a little intimidated by this impending chimney. Because I had never been asked to write anything about one word. Hell, normally my writings (both poetic and not nearly so poetic) came from volumes of research or hours of film. I never looked at any of the things I wrote as being defined by one word. My poor Senior Honors Thesis Advisor had to look at me one day and point blank tell me that if I expected to write a paper (a lengthy 25 page paper I might add) on the LARGE scope that I had just brought before her as my thesis, that it would take me years, and it would still be too large and probably turn out like crap.
So while over the years I have learned that some amazing things come from just one word, I haven't been able to harness that kind of power. But I would like to try. I want to be able to whip out at a moments notice poetry or a story that has to do with only one word, only one dog, one mattress, one petunia... When I watched Eat, Pray, Love (the film, hence the italics) I loved the discussion Liz had in Rome with her new Italian friends. It was about the words that define us, the city, anything. She wasn't allowed to be defined by her association to gentlemen or family, or her profession. It had to be something else. She ended up, not to ruin the ending for anyone, picking a word that she just thought was beautiful. I want that. I want to be able to associate myself with a particular word. I want to be able to write about a particular word.
I think this want/need to be ONE word or ONE things comes from the issue I'm having finding my place in the world. I am a daughter, sister, cousin, Administrative Assistant, pain in the ass, driver, walker, thinker, reader, writer, planner, ... etc. My life just feels so complicated. And to further complicate it I just don't know where I am any more. I want to be a student. But I think that is mostly because my comfort zone is a classroom. I want to be a writer, but I'm terrified that I am no where near being experienced enough, or good enough to actually accomplish that. I want to be an event planner, because I have an unnatural ability to for see issues and plan ahead for the inevitable. I like being in control of my life (if you couldn't already tell) these different avenues allow me to be just that. In control of my education, of word choices and my own ideas, of everyone else's parties and functions. The job I hold now, as an Administrative Assistant, allows me to be in control of my office and of the professional life which my boss leads. I don't want to be a dictator, nor do I think of myself as such. I just like knowing that I create my own destiny. My own words. My own life.
So, my goal, at least for the next week (if I plan too far in advance there is no way it is going to happen because I lose interest in things at an alarming rate, so small goals are goals for me!) is to choose a word and write about it. Write a story, do research on, just look into. I want to start investigating more of the world and more of myself through the English language. Hopefully this will mean that I will be more experienced in writing, in life and that will lead down a much more structured road. All those things I am incredibly hopeful for.
Also, though I doubt there are very many people who have made it to the bottom of this post (as sadly I do check my stats for this page on a regular basis...) I would love any input, thoughts, or words that would be fun for another human being to read. I love writing online for its anonymity, but I also like writing here for the possibility of so many different people to come together someplace I "created" to socialize and meet. But then again this blog may end up just being for me, which I am grateful for and completely accepting of.
Until we meet again...
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