Day Dreaming

Happy Hump Day!
(Edit: I'm writing this post at 2am EST which makes it Wednesday, but Blogger keeps saying it's Tuesday, so take that for what you will.)

I hope that you are enjoying this week as much as I am. The weather here has been getting warmer each day in VA, so I'm loving that (especially because I have to walk between my apartment and the bus stop, so good weather is always a plus in my book). I wanted to talk today about Day Dreaming, I've realized over the past week or so that I haven't been doing a whole lot of that lately, and that it's partially because of my stress level, but also contributing to my stress level because I'm not Day Dreaming.

Let me rewind a bit, in Spring 2012 I was training for my first 5k, running around 3 miles multiple times a week, enjoying the Spring and early Summer that Massachusetts offers. I had learned a while back that I run better without music, because due to my history as a dancer, I run to the beat and it screws up my precious breathing (activity asthma for the win!). But I was starting to get bored running my normal route. And sure, I could have picked a new route, but with no sidewalks where I lived, I'm still amazed to this day that I was never injured running around town. Anywho, at the time the guy I had been dating and I had talked about moving out of state, with his daughter. So I tried to start thinking about what that would look like, what I wanted it to look like. And I remember so vividly how I could see my life. Granted, the perfectionist in me also made me seem like Wonder Woman, "She's a student! No, she's a stepmom! No, she's the main breadwinner! No, she's a fashionista with a flair for arts and crafts! I think we can all see the picture here. As we know, things didn't go according to plan. 2 days after my birthday I ran my first 5k, then 2 weeks after that Diane was diagnosed with cancer, then 2 months after that I left my boyfriend because I knew that I was destined for more, and I didn't want to waste any more time with something that was clearly not going to work into my big-picture plans.

The following Spring, I was training for multiple races, dating someone new, and getting ready for graduate school. Again, during my almost daily runs I'd dream about what city I'd end up with, or whether I'd be doing it on my own or with a partner in crime. I was doing crazy things like going to work, stopping by Diane's hospital room when she was in residence at the hospital I worked for, then meeting Sean, going to his apartment, running 4 miles solo on Revere Beach, then having date night with him before returning home to my parent's place to sleep. I was doing unbelievable things. But then a few months later, when I lost Diane in June, I stopped running. I remember running once around my neighborhood as a half-assed attempt at beginning my training, then completing the Finish at the 50 10k with a few of Sean's closest friends. And that was really it. Life sped up, we moved, and the rest is history.

I've gone for a few walks in and around my neighborhood, and even 1 run. But honestly, it's been hard to get back into with the demands of work and school. Which sounds like such a copout, but that balance is a bitch. I also know a factor is the cold, in the past few years that I've been a runner I always stop in around December 1st and then pick it back up when the weather gets nicer. And that's what I'm planning on doing. The nicer the days get the more I can feel the pull to throw together some crappy clothes and head out the door. Because I miss how athletic I used to be, I miss getting time to myself to just dream without feeling like I'm never going to make it through the rest of the week, because that is what it's felt like these past few months. I'm in awe of my own ability to survive and thrive, but I also know that I'm ready to start dreaming again. To start letting go of all of my insane responsibilities for an hour and be alone. I am a person who needs alone time sometimes, and that is always such a hard thing for me to remember. Take tonight for example, Sean passed out really early tonight and while he was snoozing I was actually able to get a lot of stupid little things accomplished around the apartment that I feel like I can never do when we are both awake here. I'm way too excited about that. I always forget how I crave me time.

I'm trying to figure out ways to have alone time and allowing myself the chance to Day Dream without letting the worry (that I swear is a genetic disorder in my family) take over every corner of my life. Any advice would help! What do you like to Day Dream about?

~E