I feel as though I've back tracked since I got to graduate school. I feel as though I know myself less now than I did before I left. I'm having a really hard time with that. I'm about 2 months away from wrapping up my Master's degree, and I'm not sure what my next big step is, which is terrifying. I really want the next move to be back to Boston, I'm ready to go home. But I don't want to go home for all of the wrong reasons, I want to go home because it is the right thing for Sean and I. I'm miserable being here without my family and I know that's been hard to handle for both of us. I feel as though this past year and a half I've lost the sparkle in my life. I feel as though I'm missing the carefree nature that I had begun to adopt. I'm constantly worried and constantly running around a million miles an hour, all hither, thither, and yon.
I've shied away from writing here because I don't know what to say. I don't know what I want to talk about. I've begun putting so much pressure on completing and achieving that I'm afraid to just let the words flow. I've officially become the things that I have been vigilantly trying to avoid. I'm constantly worried, and uptight. I think these things tend to go hand-in-hand, but I don't see the cycle being magically broken until I'm done with this final semester.
And that is killing me, knowing what the problem is but being so utterly powerless to fix it. I'm just so exhausted trying to be someone who I'm not, but that's not what I want for my life. I don't want to be burnt out from being and doing things that are not who I am. So here I am, trying to fight the fear of rejection and taking up my own quest for freedom by hitting publish on this post. Grammar and spelling be damned.
I don't know that I've ever said this before, but thank you for stopping by, whoever you may be. Whoever may have stumbled across this page (probably by complete accident haha), I appreciate you taking the time to read about me. Hopefully next time I'll have something a little more exciting to say about what's actually going on in my life aside from burn out.
Until next time,
~E
<3 I was thinking about you today and how I should probably text you. Wanna meet me in Mississippi tomorrow?
ReplyDeleteSo I don't think I'll be able to meet you in Mississippi this weekend. But how do you feel about meeting me in Massachusetts (an even longer "M" state) at Christmas?
DeleteI can totally understand missing family and feeling drawn home when the grad school chapter closes. Although I've never lived away from family because I'm a big chicken, I feel like I'd have the same feelings. And I think that is plenty enough reason to move back when this chapter closes. Family becomes a bigger and bigger deal with each chapter that comes in my opinion so if it's feasible and you are both on the same page - do it! Plus, it may give you something to look forward to as these days trudge on.
ReplyDelete