Getting Back Into It

Saturday we buried my aunt, it was a beautiful service and ceremony but it was so utterly heartbreaking. She died Wednesday morning, luckily enough my whole family was warned about how quickly she was declining, so we were all able to say our goodbyes. Now, however, we have to figure out how to move on, how to wake up and go to work not worrying about who is going to be with her during the day, or night, or at various doctor's appointments. I have to figure out how to take my lunch break without having my lunch buddy, because I was lucky enough to spend time with her everyday she was in the hospital. I cherish those days I was able to distract her from her disease, from her chemo treatment, or her latest surgery. I was so fortunate enough just to watch her sleep in the Emergency Room, never mind getting to help her with her book of word searches. Diane is going to be so greatly missed and the road towards healing is going to be arduous. But it's what she would want. I know that wherever she is, she's watching over me, wanting me to go to DC and rock graduate school, so that's what I'm going to do.

Auntie Di last year on her birthday.

Sunday was my brother's high school graduation party, and in honor of that, here is a lovely picture of my brother:

Classy stuff right here.

So Sunday was the first time that I saw my family for a happy occasion in quite a while. And I tried to make the best of it (and I think I did a pretty awesome job if I say so myself).

Oh cakes with embarrassing baby pictures, how I love thee.

So Sunday was a tremendous success, a real reason to celebrate and be happy. I'm so proud of my younger (once-upon-a-time shorter) brother. While I know it was definitely hard for all of us to eat, drink, and be merry without remembering the events of the past week, we did pretty well. But then again, only our family can have a big, loud, happy (ish) wake, (it's a gift really).

So now it's Monday, it's time to face the music and my stupid desk. But I'm here, and I'm going to work hard, not just to distract myself, but because now is the time to get'R done! In about 6 weeks I will no longer be an employee here and I'll be on my way up to Maine for a nice vacation before I move to DC. That is not a long time at all, so it's now or never to get myself situated and on to GWU. So wish me luck! and I'll try to keep you all updated. :)

Birthday Bookstore Visit

Happy June 7th!!

It's been a crappy day here in Boston, substantial rain and with generally nothing special about it, other than its Friday, and my 24th birthday. 

I'm waiting for the boy to meet me for dinner before we go to see the Boston Pops perform tonight. I'm just relaxing, or at least trying to, in the Barnes and Noble here. I found a book on running, which should so thoroughly engage my mind given my love of reading and my current training, alas, it's not. Instead I find myself drawn to those browsing the aisles, picking out books. And it made me wonder about my own love of reading.

I hate to admit it, but I've been in a bit of a reading slump these past few weeks. Given the current state of my family, there isn't a single person who could blame me. But it still stinks. I have no escape, no outlet for my emotions. I feel as though I'm a prisoner in my body, trapped here, feeling like crap, chained to my roofless doghouse outside in the torrential rain. I want to cry right along with Mother Nature. 

But my point was not to go down that shitty-ass depressing road again. I just find myself afraid to find a new book, partially for financial reasons, partially because my measly bookshelf is overflowing as it is, but mostly because I'm afraid to start. And that speaks to so many aspects of my life, I'm terrified to take the first step. I haven't applied to a single job in DC, I haven't even begun to start packing away my unruly bedroom, nor have I begun to unpack the intense emotions that are being held at bay by a single sheet of paper, ready at the slightest change in wind to split beyond recognition and let forth a tsunami of feelings I don't know what to do with just yet. I'm finding myself standing still, not wanting time to pass. As if my stoic stance will keep the sand from falling, the time from ticking away hours. I'm afraid to miss a single moment of my aunts shortened time here. I'm paralyzed by the same fears that have paralyzed her for her whole life, nearly 58 years. And that's even scarier. She was about 30 when her mother died of this very same disease, so while I'm a few years shy of that, I am not less terrified that I will follow their same fate. This has taught me how precious and fragile life is, and I'm so afraid to waste this gift that I'm paralyzed by the fear of living it wrong. Which is ABSURD!!  

So I'm going to try (really, really, really) hard to enjoy my 24th birthday, because it's the only one I'm ever going to have. And I'm going to try to accept that I have permission to enjoy my birthday, no matter the circumstances. And that is the part that makes me feel so guilty. But, I have to continue to live my best life, live my one and only life to the best of my ability. 

Happy my birthday!! 

P.S. My training guide calls for 10 miles tomorrow and in the crappy weather no less... Oy!! Wish me luck!

The End of 23

So tomorrow is the big 24!! And while I should be all kinds of excited, I've had a rough (really, really rough) day. Things are starting to go down hill very quickly with my aunt and I'm definitely not handling it very well. And being present today when she was told her prognosis was the hardest thing I've had to do so far.

But before I even got to the hospital, I was just a mess. I've missed most of my training runs this week, which is not giving me much confidence in the whole half-marathon scheme of things. I want to just give up, to just wait to run when I can focus on running. The only run I accomplished this week (Thus far) was a sad 3 miler on Tuesday. My legs were cramping, I had forgotten my inhaler, and my spirit was just dead. This hasn't gotten any easier and I think that isn't helping my morale either. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself because my nutrition has been horrendous (hello, I'm a stress eater!) which just is killing my times and those are not so pretty to begin with. It's just a gigantic black hole of craptastic feelings.

My boyfriend has been amazing through everything, especially through my incredible self doubts. I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to move forward. I still don't have a place to live, a job, or my financial aid taken care of for grad school. So that's a wonderful stress-free part of my life as well.

...

Yeah, I'm going to end this post before I go any further, because dear god this started off pretty depressing and just hasn't gotten any better. But any advice that you have would be amazing. Because I don't know what to do. I need help. I need a plan, I need to get my laundry done and get ready for work tomorrow... oh how these lists go on and on. Happy My 24th Birthday Tomorrow!

~Elizabeth

Dreams Moving at the Speed of Light

As May I'd very quickly coming to a close, I've been doing a tremendous amount of thinking about the pace at which my life is currently moving. My baby brother turned 18 the other day and has his high school graduation today, my surprise 25th anniversary party for my parents (that had seemed like ions away,) happened over a week ago, my 24th birthday is a week away, I'm running a half marathon in under 8 weeks, and under 3 months from now I'll be moving to DC in order to start grad school. WOW, is my life brimming right now. So much to plan, so much to accomplish before I abandon the great Commonwealth of Mass, and just so damn much work ahead of me that I just do NOT want to face. Instead, I'm being a whiny baby and writing this post. 

In the 3 years since I've been out of college, (holy gross, where did those 3 years go!?) I've done so much growing as a person, but at very small stints, a little here, a little there. But now, now I feel like life is catapulting me in my dream direction. And I know, I should NOT be complaining. And honestly, I'm not, not really, I'm just taking this inventory of where I am, what I need to do to accomplish everything, and how blessed I am to have the opportunity to do it. I'm one lucky girl. I just want to make sure that I take my time saying goodbye. I want to take as much time as I need to spend with family and friends, especially given what is going on with certain members of my family. I don't want to rush my life, you will not catch me "wishing my summer away", cause hell, I love summer and I plan on milking as many free, homemade meals off of my parents that I can between now and August! 

(Even if my brother isn't as excited about family stuff as I am. Haha!!)

But that too is going to be precious, he is heading to college in NH this Fall after I leave for DC. Crazy to think the Stack children are going to be scattered along the East Coast! 

So I'm trying to take each day for why it is, complete with its challenges and joys. I'm trying to make sure I'm being kind to myself and taking care of everything without my "people pleasing-perfecting" ways. I'm trying to be vulnerable and authentic, happy and emotionally available. I'm trying to just be Elizabeth. I had a nice chat with myself last night in the car, discussin why on God's green earth I decided to run a half marathon, what I think grad school is going to do for me, what my goals are. I know that last statement seems weird, but opening up about my intentions and expectations, even if only to myself, was a tremendous help. It helped bring me back to where I am, so I could see all I want before me. This chat also allowed me to give myself permission to want what I want, only for the reason that I want them. I don't need any other reasons I run a half marathon, get a Ph.D. or anything else. If I want it, I'm going to get it. 

So do you ever have a nice pep talk with yourself in the car? Or do you have another way of centering yourself and your dreams? Let me know! I'm interested in all the ways people "talk" to themselves.

Happy Friday everyone!

~Elizabeth

Thoughts on Running, Dreaming, and Achieving

Happy Friday!!

As I sit on a bus, waiting to go to work, I've been reflecting about this past week. There have been some incredible achievements, like running 4 miles two days in a row, and some definite lows. But what really strikes me, is the 2.81 mile run I did Monday. Sure, it wasn't the whole 3 miles my training guide suggested (that's just what happens when the loop around your neighborhood is less than 3 miles.) but it was a very important training run. See, my big goal for 2013 has been to run a half marathon, I've been saying that since October of 2012. And Monday, I debated whether I wanted to even go for a run. It was a tough decision, especially when the alternative was sitting on my behind watching tv in the comfort of my living room. But I did it, I got up, put on some workout clothes, and hit the pavement. And that was officially my first training run for the half marathon in July. 

Since Monday I've run two consecutive days, 4 miles each time, which is the farthest that I have ever run, in my life. And tomorrow, the training guide calls for 6. That is going to be life changing. 6 miles, running, without stopping or napping. I am going to be one sore chica. But I am also going to be so proud of myself. 

See, it's not even my training that is amazing me, it's the high leftover from my parents surprise party that is doing this to me. That was me making a long-term goal and fulfilling it to the absolute best of my abilities. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but nothing in this world is. And I've been working very hard to accept that truth. So this half marathon training is merely a continuation of my achieving things that I had dreamed, but was never quite sure I'd accomplish. I am a runner. I am also a badass (in my own Elizabeth kind if way) and I love that. I love how much my confidence has improved these past few months. I finally feel like I truly love myself. And that is (almost) 24 years coming. So now, I'm going to revel in my successes and enjoy a nice restful Friday night out with the boy and some friends. 

Have a great weekend!

Always Coming Home

Happy Monday!

So the past few months I've been MIA and I know you're thinking, "surprise, surprise". Well I went over to tumblr, and while I loved the ease of uploading random stuff from my iPhone, I just missed the feel of a "real blog", I missed this place. So I've decided that this is where I need to cultivate my blog, where I need to be. So I'm going to include a link to my tumblr, so that there won't be any inconsistencies. What I am also going to do is update my 101 list, because I made a few changes based on what is going on in my life.

My 101 list has been happening at a significantly heightened rate lately, and not by design, which is pretty exciting in and of itself. But Saturday night was my big one. Saturday night was #96, my parent's surprise 25th Anniversary Party. And they had NO IDEA!!! It was fantastic. So naturally, I slept all day yesterday after running on pure adrenaline the past few days, weeks, and months. So there is going to be a whole post about it, but not until after my photographer sends me some pictures!!

Also, after seeing some of my family's pictures of myself, I decided that I was done putting my health and my weight on hold. I think the great thing about coming to that realization was that the decision to start watching what I eat and become more active wasn't born from a place of hate, but a place of tremendous love for myself. I just don't think I realized how large I've let myself become. I never realized how little I took care of my body until I started really listening to it a few months ago. So thile there were a few bumps with me trying to start my day working out, I did at least stick with eating something healthy to start my day:

And yes, that is a spoon, and it was a pain to eat sausages with a spoon. But in the effort to conserve resources, I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good of my dishwasher. So now, on to make my day off from work even more productive! As I will have to return to work tomorrow :( bummer...

~Elizabeth

Easter Learning Curve

I've been having a hard time making decisions lately. I've been trying to "dream big" and create "my best life", but change isn't something that comes easy, to anyone it seems. But especially for me right now. I feel as though with all of the DC stuff coming up quickly, that it's a miracle that I can just keep my head afloat in my "regular life". But then I read this article by Molly Mahar about how we are never done. It is a fantastic article, but at first I felt it to be incredibly disheartening, just the thought that no matter what is going on, we are never going to be "done", things are always going to be overlapping and occurring without regard to our timetables. That's a hard thing to admit for a recovering perfectionist. That clean slate just isn't going to happen. Which brings me to the really shitty part of my whole DC adventure.

In June of 2012, my aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 Ovarian Cancer. The same type of cancer that claimed my grandmother, her mother's, life in 1985, 4 years before I was even born. Over the past 9 months I've watched the chemo ravage her body, the surgery that was supposed to take care of everything, and the subsequent return of the cancer in a disgustingly quick manner. It's hard for me to share this, it's hard for me to face what is happening to my family right now, but I need to. I've been able to talk about it sometimes, but for the most part I talk about it very little, while trying not to think about it. I think the worst part for me is how I feel as though I make myself out to be better to her than I am. And that makes me feel worse, because I know there is so much more that I could be doing for her right now and I haven't. My aunt was never married, doesn't have any kids of her own, so it's just my aunts, uncles, and us, the nieces and nephews. She's like another mother to me and watching this happen to her is like a nightmare that we are never going to be awoken from.

So with all this in mind, how am I going to up and leave and move 500 miles away? I know that I'm going to, I know that I have to, but it is one hard reality. I've been talking with my therapist a lot about her, but it is never going to make my decisions any easier. What is really distorting my thinking about big change, is that cancer will very quickly make you realize how delicate and fragile our lives are. And this is not my family's first rodeo in the cancer arena, not even close. So with this delicacy in mind obviously I want to make the most out of the time that I'm here, but in order to do that I have to do some really hard things. And really, don't we all...

So the first step that I have to take is learning how to keep moving and stop giving a shit about everyone else's opinions of me. Friday, I found a blog post by Julien Smith that I had linked to on my Facebook page a year ago, it was about not giving a fuck, and holy hell did I fall in love with it all over again. So much so that I downloaded his *free* ebook The Flinch. (Yes, I said free, now go download it to your Kindle or download the free Kindle app for your Droid/iPhone/iPad/whatever the hell device we all know you have.) So right now that's what I'm doing, researching about making my life my own. I'm looking into finally getting that tattoo I've been mentioning around here. I'm looking organizing that surprise party, I'm organizing my life and focusing on who I truly want to be. And while I feel like I have a whole lot going on, I'm also not letting the guilt of what I "should" be doing get in the way of my life. So last night I went out with the boyfriend and his friends, had a margarita, went to a hookah bar and tried the apple flavored tobacco, and generally had a great night being myself and not stressing about anything other than who was going to drive us home, (after a few alcohol-less hours and 4 glasses of water, I was the winner and by far the most sober person of the group. So kudos to me and my paranoia/ last minute DD skills!) Then, this morning I got up and went to my aunt's, where I was able to spend some quality time alone with her and bring her down to our house for some pre-Easter festivities (also known as chicken pot pie and lemon meringue pie). Balance may be a myth, but my time management and decision making skills are definitely making it easier for me to feel as though I can balance things, because I am now able to make the best decisions for the life that I want to lead.

So I hope that all of you have wonderful weekends, whether you celebrate Easter, or just celebrate the weekend itself, because I know that I am going to make the most of my time here with my family, of both biological and chosen natures, while I have the chance to. Happy Easter!