My Excess Thoughts on Happiness

As the end of the semester is drawing near, I am figuring out how much stuff I still need to do, but I am also increasingly happy about it all. I feel like I've finally hit my stride, in November of the Fall semester. No one ever accused me of being an early bloomer, trust me. Today I thought was going to be a disaster as far as my workload because I was only able to get through so much yesterday, but luckily I've been incredibly motivated and productive today, WIN! So with that in mind, I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate that. To revel in it a bit.

I'm officially on day 2 of #99, which has been nice, but I've been noticing more and more how I create status updates in my head during the very mundane parts of my day. It's quite comical. So instead of running back to Facebook, here I am, telling you how wonderful my day is, without feeling the guilt of shoving my happy disposition down your throat on a public forum. Here, this is my domain and I get to share my emotions completely guilt-free thank you :)

And on that note, I've become increasingly aware of when I say "I'm sorry", and for those of you who know be outside of the internet, you know that I say this quite a lot. (like way too much, a lot.) But as of late I've started really trying to filter myself, and in some cases I've even blurted out, "Wait, I'm not really sorry, that doesn't make any sense!", which seems borderline crazy, but it's actually really nice to realize that I don't have to be sorry for things that I have no direct impact or cause to be sorry about.

And on that note, thanks for dropping by and reading my overflowing thoughts today. And with that, here is a quote that I am trying to really live each day, because it is so true, and because I've kind of come to forget about it this year:

“One of the secrets of a happy life is continuous small treats."
- Iris Murdoch 

(Courtesy of the daily Moment of Happiness from Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project)

Tackling the Big One: #99

I'm Little Miss Overachiever today huh? 2 posts one day… crazy!

So I've decided, after writing my last post, that it's about time that I tackle some of my 101 list, specifically: #99 Go 30 days without Facebook in a ROW (0/30).

I have been living solely for the Internet, for my friends and family back home, not because I post all day long or anything, but because I'm losing myself to the Internet. I've become that person that drives people crazy, I "like" everything, as if to remind people that I'm still around, I'm still alive, and gosh darn it, I want to feel like I never really left Massachusetts! So, yeah, that needs to stop.

When I started my 101 list, I began doing things that were fun, but that sometimes were based in making me feel uncomfortable, and this is definitely something that is going to do both of those things. I need to start really participating in my life here in VA. (Fun fact, participating seems to be the term I use most often when discussing this move, because I just don't feel like I'm participating, so much as things are just happening to me.) And with that, I'm totally missing the point of moving 500+ miles away from home. So, you may see me around these parts a little more often, or I may just disappear from the Internets altogether, we shall see. But don't worry, my phone still works!! I love phone calls! And Texting! Please don't leave me alone… :)

So see ya later Facebook, like, see you again December 13th… maybe.

Positively Wonderful

Happy Tuesday Everyone!

So every Tuesday and Thursday I sit and read from PositivelyPositive.com. It's such a great site, I love the fun concepts and ways to live a more fulfilled life. Today, I came across this article about how to live your life fully without "ruining" your life. Not only did I find the topic interesting, but it also really made me think about what I want for my life. I read a group of about 6 blogs regularly (HollyWouldIfSheCould.net, innerteub.com, amerrylife.com, BenDoesLife.tumblr.com, TheMilitantBaker & lifeoflacey.blogspot.com) I love them each for their own special reasons, but one is how each gives me a very different view of how to craft a life that you love.

I grew up in a household run by my amazing Mom, who is a hardcore Type A, and my Dad, who is slightly more laid back. So I just figured that a lot of the things that occurred in my home, like all the cleaning (CONSTANTLY), or the yard work, or cooking, just kind of happened. Now that I'm living on my own, I realize that not only did I have a great upbringing, but man does it take work. My apartment is tiny, but I cannot keep it clean for the life of me (probably because I live with another human being who isn't so hell-bent on an organized apartment). My life is very different from that of my parents, and it's leaving me feeling a little lost. I have so many different options that I'm kind of dumbfounded. So that's why I immerse myself in these blogs, in these people's lives, because I want to know how other people do it, how other people live.

Which makes me really think about the direction I want my life to go in. Before I got to Virginia, I felt so stuck, I was hurting and lost in my life. So I made this crazy life change, now I'm not sure what my next step is, or really, how to stay where I am for a little while and enjoy it. Part of that is because I am constantly looking ahead, but part of it is because I'm homesick. I miss Boston, there is no way around that fact. That's where all of my family is, so it's making me chomp at the bit to be done with grad school and run home. I'm feeling as if this is a pitstop in my life and I'm getting sick of waiting here without everyone. I keep thinking about how Thanksgiving break and Christmas break are when my life is really happening. I need to change how I look at my life right now, and that's kind of where I am, just trying to figure everything out, without worrying about how I'm going to figure it all out. That's a terrible problem of mine, the worrying. I'm trying to just let things happen. Wish me luck!

Weekend Revelations

I hope everyone is enjoying their first November weekend. I'm enjoying mine with Sean, Weeds, visiting my friend's apartment for a little "apartment-warming" party, and coloring in my Spongebob Squarepants coloring book: (#2 on my 101 list)

The picture is from a few weeks ago (I believe it was the night before I drove 500+ miles in a day, [story to come]) but the sentiment is the same, I'm rocking my comfy clothes and just relaxing.

The past few weeks have been rough, in a few different ways, but each time it has a tremendous amount of emotional repercussions. But I'm taking it slow, accepting each ounce of knowledge about myself and my life as it comes. So, I haven't been around here a lot lately, but it doesn't mean I don't want to be, that I'm not working my way back. I'm getting there. One coloring page at a time.

Have a great rest of you weekend. And GO Patriots!!

Catching Up To Me

I hope everyone is happy this October 15th! I've been having a rough week and it's only Tuesday, (Oh joy!). The more time that I'm down here and seemingly getting settled, the more I feel like I'm drowning in school work and mourning. Everything moved so quickly after Diane passed, mostly because I couldn't face the emotions I was feeling at the time and I had a LOT of shit to do. But now, I'm stressed out beyond belief with school work, grading, and general pressure to function as a human being. And I'm just sad. There are so many things  that I wish I could share with Diane, so much has been going on and I want to talk to my best friend, and she's not there. I've seriously considered just quitting school and moving back home, but then I had this major realization that even if/when I "go home" she won't be there. She isn't waiting for me in her apartment, she really is gone and my proximity to South Boston is not going to bring her back. And that was hard, really really hard. And that's just where I am, trying to accept the hard emotional truths I keep coming to along side with the really hard school work I'm trying to juggle. I needed to get this out there, because I've been hiding behind this guise of being great! and having So! Much! Fun!! And being 500+ miles away has allowed me to continue hiding behind where I want to be while hiding from my feelings. So that is where I'm honestly at. I'm trying to gather myself up and keep going, but today I wanted to take a moment to rest, to let myself feel, and to let some of the burden go. Thanks for listening.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/270990102551684679/

Netflix and Feeling Burned Out

Happy Monday everyone! I feel like to most of you that sentence may seem like an oxymoron, but I say it with sincerity. This morning I woke up at about 6:30, after going to bed at about 1 am, did some grading and then begun reading for one of my classes. I then proceeded to fall asleep for about an hour and a half. Then, I remembered that the pest control people were coming to my condo building so I had to jump up and start cleaning out ALL of my cabinets. Which sounds terrible, except this is what my kitchen looks like: (*Disclaimer: this is what my kitchen looked like when I toured it back in June, so that kitchen aid is not mine, sadly.)

Yeah, not very big or intimidating, just more of a giant pain in the butt because we've only been in that apartment for about a month. So after running around, waking up Sean and getting him to help, I made myself some coffee and cereal, then starting watching season 2 of Sister Wives. I just felt so burned out. Mostly because I spent Friday and Saturday literally doing nothing of importance and Sunday almost ALL DAY I did my homework. I am still procrastinating, and I'm getting better, but this is a 15ish year problem, so I'm just going with the theory Rome wasn't built in a day, and that allows me to sleep better at night. 

In other news, Sean and I finally decided to figure out the "Smart" portion of our "Smart TV", yeah it took all of 10 seconds for us to hook up to the wifi, so that was kind of saddening that it took us so long to finally make the decision to just try. Then, we got Netflix! 1st month free! And now I have no will to move from my couch. Which is a serious problem. (Hence my giving up on homework this morning in order to watch Sister Wives. [And yes, Sean is thrilled that I'm addicted to this show... Ha!]) 

I am just starting to feel incredibly overwhelmed, which explains my complete lack of motivation Friday and Saturday. It's been a strange adjustment being so far from home. Especially because Saturday was my Mom's birthday, first one without her own kids being home for it. So because the NE Patriots had a 1 o'clock game that wasn't being televised locally I brought Sean to a local bar that shows all of the games and I spent the afternoon in a nice, quiet, and completely comforting apartment. Since Sean has been having a hard time getting the job thing going, we've been spending a LOT of time together. So this little reprieve was fantastic. I got a lot of reading done, plus laundry, and I got to just enjoy the silence. That has been part of my moody problem for the past few weeks, not only do I miss my friends and family, but I also missed the time I got to be alone at home. I'm alone constantly when I'm on campus doing office hours (like right this very moment) but being able to do it while I'm in my pj's and enjoying my still warm cup of coffee is just tremendously comforting. It always takes me so long to realize what I need. I generally have a rough time figuring out what I need to function and to thrive, so when I have these mini-epiphanies it is phenomenal. Even when it is the same epiphanies over and over again. 

So my goal this week is to continue to get myself situated academically, as well as continuing to figure out what I want and need to thrive here. True to form I found a pin that describes what I'm feeling perfectly, so here it is:

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/96053404526169099/

So what do you do to "center" or "find" yourself when you become burned and/or stressed out??

Inspiration and Comparing Myself to Others

Happy Tuesday!!

So this week is moving right along, I've had a couple of speed bumps, but overall I'm just chugging along. I can't wait for this weekend, not because I have any grand plans, but because I don't have any grand plans. I know that I need to stop working for the weekend, so I'm trying to work on that. It's just difficult when every weekend is a 3 day weekend... at least for this semester!

So I didn't get my normal time to ponder life in the quad before my GTA class, so in a few quick moments here before class begins I went looking for more inspiration on Pinterest. I came across a couple of gems:

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/173529391865037155/

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/173529391864335028/

These two pins are definitely my favorite so far today. They embody exactly how I feel and who I am. Not many people know about my Rheumatoid Arthritis and even fewer know about how depressed I've been the past few years. But each day I am getting up and I am working towards a better Elizabeth. Some days it's easy and some days I don't even want to get out of bed. But I'm learning with a good helping of trial and error. And I'm finding that the more I accept myself and the things that make me happy, the more inspired I become.

I have lived a long life of self degradation and comparing myself with others, and that was long before Facebook helped me out with that... So to be able to get up and fight against all that I've lived these past 24 years, I'm over the moon. I realized the other day that I don't have my life exactly in order, but I'm choosing to live everyday. Even if that choice is to have a glass of wine and watch The Blind Side after a really, really long literary criticism class. That is how I take care of myself, by accepting my limitations and knowing that after some rest, I will be able to move forward past these limitations. Understanding and embracing that I love inspiration and helping others has been great these past few days. That's right, it's taken me years to really find a spark. I always knew I wanted to write/blog and it wasn't until I had my own clear(isn) vision that I have carved out the time to write each day. (This many blog posts in a row is something brand spanking new! And I'm loving it.)

It was just the other day that I realized how my undergraduate degree was not a time of exploration and development, but just a continuation of my high school days with shitty self-esteem and doing what everyone else wanted/expected of me. Being able to accept that, but to also know that I can move beyond it is tremendously freeing. I'm ready to take on the world and my life. Last night, just before my brain turned to mush in lit crit, I was writing about how I wanted to take control of my life. But really, who do I think I need to "take" it from? It's already belongs to me, doesn't it? So I need to embrace the life I'd like to lead. Part of that stems from watching the healthy choices my classmates are making and wanting to make positive changes in my eating and exercising habits. I want to completely embrace and accept my body, I want to treat it with far more love and respect. So this morning I did something a little different with my hair and put on some makeup, and while it hasn't made a tremendous difference, I definitely feel more pride in myself. I may not have started the day with some kind of gluten-free, "clean" breakfast, but I took care of myself and feel much more confident because of it. My Tuesday is shaping up to be pretty amazing :) Hope you find your inspiration for change, without expecting perfection!

~E