Monday, September 16, 2013
Dance and Other Things
Last night while I was reading Aristotle or Plato, or one of those other dead philosophers that are making my Literary Criticism class hard to handle, I began to point my toes, and move my arms around. I was laying in bed reading and I probably looked like a floundering fish. But as soon as I was done with my little section of reading, I got up (closed my bedroom door so my boyfriend wouldn't get a glimpse of what I was doing) and I proceeded to dance. No music, no instruction, just moving my body around in a ballet/lyrical-esque way. I was wonderful. I haven't felt so free and just in tune with myself in a long time. It made me realize how much I miss my Zumba classes. But it also helped me realize how my muscles and my body have been trying to communicate with me. I have been having a really hard time trying to diet, I just can't get into it, especially where I live at Starbucks on campus sometimes (foreshadowing much). But I have been watching too much TLC and one of the shows that has captured my attention in a big way is Cheer Perfection. Partially because I couldn't sleep one night and that was what was on, but mostly because I have always been flexible, but never very strong and this idea of having the ability to be flexible and use my body to better express myself (more through the gymnastics portion) is definitely piquing my interest. I want to be able to move my body and really own it in a much different way than what I'm used too. When I was younger I used to be so jealous of the cheerleaders, not because they were popular (although when I was in middle school that would have been cool too) but because of what they could do with their bodies. How they could catapult themselves all over the place and just have complete agency. So while I have no interest in becoming an adult cheer-leader, I'm definitely going to be listening to my body more, stretching out while watching tv, and doing more strength training at the gym so I can finally master that elusive cartwheel... Happy Monday everyone!
~E
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Self-Help and Pinterest
Happy Football day!!! (AKA, Sunday) I've gotten to enjoy a wonderful ugly-as-hell Patriots victory over the NY Jets thursday, then today I went with a couple of girls I work at GWU with to the Phillies v. Nats game this afternoon (Nats kicked butt), and now I'm watching the Manning Bowl. It's been a tremendous weekend, aside from the impending homework that I've obviously been avoiding.
What I haven't been avoiding is how much I love inspirational / self-help-y things. Which is how Pinterest plays into this. I have this board named Strength on Pinterest and it all started because I needed some help, I needed some inspiration and some self-love.I felt that I just needed a lot of interior strength. So that's where I started, just repinning stuff that I loved reading. (Even with it's silly fonts and backgrounds.) So go ahead, mock the hell out of me, I don't care. I love it. And it's not that I've been denying it, just that I wasn't sure how I really felt about it, it's taken be a while to really own how intrigued by it all that I am. I could sit for hours reading all kinds of articles on positivelypositive.com, I have far too many self-help books, and I found different podcasts and blogs that I just can't imagine not having in my life.
Today, I began to think about how I wanted to incorporate these things into my blog and more predominantly into my life. So around here I want to share more of what I'm pinning and what I'm finding that is inspirational, whether it's about exercise, eating, life, love, or anything! I just want to share more of what I find lovely. I have always had this attractions to words, not necessarily in an academic way (hello procrastinating my homework), but just by seeing words on a screen, page, or wall. That's why I love to write so much, just to see words being created, not necessarily creating a huge paper for a class. I've been having a really hard time adjusting to school, so this change of my blog is partially because of that, because I need some help getting through my schoolwork. So, welcome to my new space :)
~E
What I haven't been avoiding is how much I love inspirational / self-help-y things. Which is how Pinterest plays into this. I have this board named Strength on Pinterest and it all started because I needed some help, I needed some inspiration and some self-love.I felt that I just needed a lot of interior strength. So that's where I started, just repinning stuff that I loved reading. (Even with it's silly fonts and backgrounds.) So go ahead, mock the hell out of me, I don't care. I love it. And it's not that I've been denying it, just that I wasn't sure how I really felt about it, it's taken be a while to really own how intrigued by it all that I am. I could sit for hours reading all kinds of articles on positivelypositive.com, I have far too many self-help books, and I found different podcasts and blogs that I just can't imagine not having in my life.
Today, I began to think about how I wanted to incorporate these things into my blog and more predominantly into my life. So around here I want to share more of what I'm pinning and what I'm finding that is inspirational, whether it's about exercise, eating, life, love, or anything! I just want to share more of what I find lovely. I have always had this attractions to words, not necessarily in an academic way (hello procrastinating my homework), but just by seeing words on a screen, page, or wall. That's why I love to write so much, just to see words being created, not necessarily creating a huge paper for a class. I've been having a really hard time adjusting to school, so this change of my blog is partially because of that, because I need some help getting through my schoolwork. So, welcome to my new space :)
~E
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Almost All-Nighters
So last night, for the first time in a long time, I went to bed somewhere around 2am. I had decided, or avoided really, starting my 20th century Lit homework last night at 5:45pm. This homework was to read 300+ page memoir plus, write a couple of responses to different prompts. I went to read for about 6 hours last night and got to page 275. What was a LONG time. (Technically, I called it quits around 1am, but in the 12 o'clock hour there was Taco Bell...) It was about 45 pages per hour, which slow? fast? Who knows. All I know is I spent a whole lot of time in my bedroom reading last night. And I needed it to happen that way. Allow me to back track a bit.
I have not been really studious these first few weeks of school. Something that I am NOT proud of, but it happens. So things have been happening waaaay last minute and last night was the epitome. But I also haven't been feeling too hot, a little hormonal crap, a little homesickness, a little OCD that is driving me bat-shit-crazy, you know, normal things when you are a girl who just moved 500+ miles away from home. Coming to GWU was a complete culture shock. I am not used to this large campus with all of these seemingly well-off people and it is intimidating. Along some fantastic academic insecurities I have just really been questioning what I'm doing in school, and telling myself how crazy I am for being here (especially with a BOY!). So obviously reading was not high on my priority list (though Sister Wives on TLC totally was...). But then last night I had to close myself off to the boy and our TV and just become engulfed in the story, and this was exactly what I needed. I needed to focus on what was really a priority, I needed to feel uncomfortable about my current academic situation. And I needed all of these things because this morning when I woke up and finished the last 50-ish pages I was so proud of myself. I was so involved in the text and just felt a connection to this story. I finally feel like I am "enough" for my classes, I needed some cold-hard proof that this was what I wanted. I'm still learning how to accept that life can be hard (not that my life in particular is all that difficult in the grand scheme of things) but that I can fight through it. I also learned that I don't EVER want to do that shit again. So tomorrow, on my day off, I will NOT be lounging all day watching TLC, I will be doing my reading for my classes next week. Time management, I'm finally starting to understand you!
~E
I have not been really studious these first few weeks of school. Something that I am NOT proud of, but it happens. So things have been happening waaaay last minute and last night was the epitome. But I also haven't been feeling too hot, a little hormonal crap, a little homesickness, a little OCD that is driving me bat-shit-crazy, you know, normal things when you are a girl who just moved 500+ miles away from home. Coming to GWU was a complete culture shock. I am not used to this large campus with all of these seemingly well-off people and it is intimidating. Along some fantastic academic insecurities I have just really been questioning what I'm doing in school, and telling myself how crazy I am for being here (especially with a BOY!). So obviously reading was not high on my priority list (though Sister Wives on TLC totally was...). But then last night I had to close myself off to the boy and our TV and just become engulfed in the story, and this was exactly what I needed. I needed to focus on what was really a priority, I needed to feel uncomfortable about my current academic situation. And I needed all of these things because this morning when I woke up and finished the last 50-ish pages I was so proud of myself. I was so involved in the text and just felt a connection to this story. I finally feel like I am "enough" for my classes, I needed some cold-hard proof that this was what I wanted. I'm still learning how to accept that life can be hard (not that my life in particular is all that difficult in the grand scheme of things) but that I can fight through it. I also learned that I don't EVER want to do that shit again. So tomorrow, on my day off, I will NOT be lounging all day watching TLC, I will be doing my reading for my classes next week. Time management, I'm finally starting to understand you!
~E
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
About Life, School, and Living with Someone Else...
I think I found my favorite spot on campus. It's this little square area surrounded by perfectly manicured cherry trees with a beautifully simple water fountain in the middle. I have sat on the benches that surround the fountain every Tuesday and Thursday before I have to go TA. It's called Monroe Court and I have even begun to fall in love with it so much that for one of my classes we are supposed to observe an ecology, and I chose this spot. I love watching the sparrows hop around the court and stand on the water fountain. I am so jealous that they get to stand there, mostly because it is already in the mid 80's here in DC and I'm ready for Fall (which I think we talked about this). And for the record, I did some research and I think those are sparrows, but I'm not entirely sure, I've never tried to qualify birds before. I find it amazing how I am so comfortable here in this completely man-made structure, yet I feel so connected to nature. I guess I'm falling for the landscape architect's plan.
So other than me enjoying my little refuge, this weekend I had the boyfriend's parents down. It was great to see them and spend some time with them. I wish I had been able to take them to the airport yesterday, but my office hours and 2 grad classes needed to be tended to. We did a good amount of walking in Alexandria and DC, but mostly we did a lot of eating together. (Which made me think of Jim Gaffigan's quote about getting something to eat...) But either way it was a nice weekend, especially because I was able to get rid of almost all of my boxes that had been hanging around a little too long, so that was an added bonus. I find that there is no greater pressure to unpack/clean than having visitors who flew from home to be with you. So now that it's Teusday, obviously my place looks like we haven't cleaned since, and I really don't think we have... Oh well.
Which brings me to my next fun topic, co-habitating is hard. I've never lived with a boy before and when I was in college I had some wonderful roommate issues, to which I always wondered if it was me that was the problem. These past few weeks have shown me it probably was. I have turned into the worst version of my mother... I never really understood her need to make sure the house looked pristine. Oh I do now. I also realize that being organized and keeping things clean is a hard thing to manage, especially when the other person you live with just came from a 3 guy bachelor pad that I don't think had ever really been cleaned. So breaking the habits of over 5 years living on his own is going to be quite the feat. But I will not give up! Mostly because I'm sick of turning off every light in my apartment and he needs to learn how to do that himself. (And for the record, me turning off all of the lights is me channeling my dad... He would be so proud, if I admitted that to him haha.) How do you balance the nagging with the "Goddamn it I will just do it myself!"? It's sad that at 24 I'm just learning how life is hard when you're on your own. But really, I'm just learning about myself as well. I'm still working on my likes and dislikes, my eating habits, and my exercise habits. It's weird to look back and think of my undergraduate career as more of a continuation of high school, I did what was expected of me and followed all the rules (okay, most of the rules). This is the first time that I feel complete freedom and that is terrifying. Which is probably why I keep channelling my parents' control traits, it's much easier to follow their example than to figure out life for myself... yeah that sounds horrendous. But I am trying to combat it, trying very hard to enjoy my life and make the best of it. So off to class I go, I'll be around later with more and more updates!
Also, I have NOT forgotten about my 101 project, I'm obviously just terrible at posting about it.
~E
So other than me enjoying my little refuge, this weekend I had the boyfriend's parents down. It was great to see them and spend some time with them. I wish I had been able to take them to the airport yesterday, but my office hours and 2 grad classes needed to be tended to. We did a good amount of walking in Alexandria and DC, but mostly we did a lot of eating together. (Which made me think of Jim Gaffigan's quote about getting something to eat...) But either way it was a nice weekend, especially because I was able to get rid of almost all of my boxes that had been hanging around a little too long, so that was an added bonus. I find that there is no greater pressure to unpack/clean than having visitors who flew from home to be with you. So now that it's Teusday, obviously my place looks like we haven't cleaned since, and I really don't think we have... Oh well.
Which brings me to my next fun topic, co-habitating is hard. I've never lived with a boy before and when I was in college I had some wonderful roommate issues, to which I always wondered if it was me that was the problem. These past few weeks have shown me it probably was. I have turned into the worst version of my mother... I never really understood her need to make sure the house looked pristine. Oh I do now. I also realize that being organized and keeping things clean is a hard thing to manage, especially when the other person you live with just came from a 3 guy bachelor pad that I don't think had ever really been cleaned. So breaking the habits of over 5 years living on his own is going to be quite the feat. But I will not give up! Mostly because I'm sick of turning off every light in my apartment and he needs to learn how to do that himself. (And for the record, me turning off all of the lights is me channeling my dad... He would be so proud, if I admitted that to him haha.) How do you balance the nagging with the "Goddamn it I will just do it myself!"? It's sad that at 24 I'm just learning how life is hard when you're on your own. But really, I'm just learning about myself as well. I'm still working on my likes and dislikes, my eating habits, and my exercise habits. It's weird to look back and think of my undergraduate career as more of a continuation of high school, I did what was expected of me and followed all the rules (okay, most of the rules). This is the first time that I feel complete freedom and that is terrifying. Which is probably why I keep channelling my parents' control traits, it's much easier to follow their example than to figure out life for myself... yeah that sounds horrendous. But I am trying to combat it, trying very hard to enjoy my life and make the best of it. So off to class I go, I'll be around later with more and more updates!
Also, I have NOT forgotten about my 101 project, I'm obviously just terrible at posting about it.
~E
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Summer is Officially Over ...Kind of
Happy Faux-Monday! Tuesdays that pretend to be Mondays are pretty much terrible, except by the time you get to Wednesday you realize how many days until Friday, and life suddenly seems worth living again right?!? I have to say the fact that it is a "cool" 77 degrees in DC is making it INCREDIBLY hard for me to believe that it's September. I'm used to New England, where some years we've already broken out the parkas at this time of year. But this continued heat is unreal. It's supposed to be 90 later this week, as in 90 degrees Fahrenheit!!! This is not the middle of Summer, this is SEPTEMBER and I really expect it to start acting like it soon, cause I want nothing more than to go shopping for some Fall clothes and get the chance to wear them before Christmas! (End of rant, I promise.)
I'm currently sitting in a quad at GW waiting for a good time to go to my GTA (Graduate Teaching Assistant) class, where I will sit awkwardly through 75 minutes of advanced Mass Comm lecture that I have very little interest in or knowledge of, but at least I'm getting paid! I always seem to make it to this class incredibly early which is quite the accomplishment for me. But as my graduates studies are mostly focused on reading right now, I have a lot of interest in writing, just not anything to really do about it. So, here I am!
I had a good weekend overall, there were definitely some not-so-awesome moments, courtesy of my unshakable belief that I must be perfect, but also because the Boyfriend's parents are set to arrive in DC this Saturday. While I'm thrilled to see them, it has been a little daunting trying to get the last of my pesky boxes unpacked and put away. Plus, the Sean has been working so much that I've had to do a lot of the house maintenance alone while trying to juggle school stuff. Being at home all the time all alone kind of sucks. But this is the week that I get things accomplished! That I finally tie up some loose ends so that I can enjoy this weekend, while also being super-prepared for Monday classes.
Also causing me a lot of stress: Thursday is my first time really teaching!! I have an hour Thursday morning where I have to teach a lesson on WID (Writing in the Disciplines) and I am nervous as hell! So hopefully tomorrow at my meeting with my fellow GTAs for the course we can come up with a definite plan and I can scrounge up some confidence to attack this Bad-Larry.
Well I'm off to class, I'm definitely going to try to make regular appearances here while my course load is relatively small.
~E
I'm currently sitting in a quad at GW waiting for a good time to go to my GTA (Graduate Teaching Assistant) class, where I will sit awkwardly through 75 minutes of advanced Mass Comm lecture that I have very little interest in or knowledge of, but at least I'm getting paid! I always seem to make it to this class incredibly early which is quite the accomplishment for me. But as my graduates studies are mostly focused on reading right now, I have a lot of interest in writing, just not anything to really do about it. So, here I am!
I had a good weekend overall, there were definitely some not-so-awesome moments, courtesy of my unshakable belief that I must be perfect, but also because the Boyfriend's parents are set to arrive in DC this Saturday. While I'm thrilled to see them, it has been a little daunting trying to get the last of my pesky boxes unpacked and put away. Plus, the Sean has been working so much that I've had to do a lot of the house maintenance alone while trying to juggle school stuff. Being at home all the time all alone kind of sucks. But this is the week that I get things accomplished! That I finally tie up some loose ends so that I can enjoy this weekend, while also being super-prepared for Monday classes.
Also causing me a lot of stress: Thursday is my first time really teaching!! I have an hour Thursday morning where I have to teach a lesson on WID (Writing in the Disciplines) and I am nervous as hell! So hopefully tomorrow at my meeting with my fellow GTAs for the course we can come up with a definite plan and I can scrounge up some confidence to attack this Bad-Larry.
Well I'm off to class, I'm definitely going to try to make regular appearances here while my course load is relatively small.
~E
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Sunday Nights
Happy Sunday!
So tomorrow begins my first day as a graduate student at GWU!! Can't believe that I'm starting school again! But I can believe that instead of sitting doing my readings for tomorrow, I'm reading old Holly posts (trying to find a good recipe for dinner... kind of) and openly wishing it were Autumn already.
So incase you are brand new here, I'm originally from Boston, born and raised in New England, where Fall is the best thing that happens EVERY YEAR (even though it's followed by some incredibly crappy Winters). So this year, in order to be a wicked awesome grad student, I moved to Alexandria Virginia. Which translates to: it's currently in the 90's here and this is UNACCEPTABLE! It's been 3 year since I've been in school and beginning my new journey, hopefully to a more permanent place in academia, and I want it to be long-sleeve season. I want a REALLY good excuse to go buy some fresh new sweaters and actually get the chance to wear them in the next month. But alas, while looking oh-so-forward to a milder Winter, I also had to extend my Summer. Wow this sounds like a whiny post, but the point I'm actually trying to make is, I went on vacation with my boyfriend's family to Maine for 10 days before he and I moved to VA. And I'm not just talking about still kind-of New Hampshire, practically still Massachusetts, Kittery Maine, I'm talking about 4 more hours driving North of that. So by the end of the vacation it had really started to cool down on the lake and it felt like Fall was coming (because in that part of Maine it's probably already Winter). But when I got excited about it and told my boyfriend how it's my favorite time of year his response, "Honey, I hate to break it to you, but we have about 2 more months of Summer coming to us in Virginia." ...Needless to say he's right.
I guess this is my really long/ranty way of saying I want to make Chili for dinner tonight (or some kind of soup), while wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt, and without my A/C running. Being this in love with Fall means not wanting to wait for it anymore! (And not wanting to read about all of my friends back home having Pumpkin Coffee at Dunkin!! Stop it people!!)
So, now to get back to my British Lit readings, that way I'm prepared on my first day as a grad student. Or maybe some more inspiring Holly posts. Mostly, I just need to channel the fact that I will not be perfect, but I am going to be real and honestly Elizabeth during school. Which was not at all how my undergrad career went. Wish me luck!
~E
So tomorrow begins my first day as a graduate student at GWU!! Can't believe that I'm starting school again! But I can believe that instead of sitting doing my readings for tomorrow, I'm reading old Holly posts (trying to find a good recipe for dinner... kind of) and openly wishing it were Autumn already.
So incase you are brand new here, I'm originally from Boston, born and raised in New England, where Fall is the best thing that happens EVERY YEAR (even though it's followed by some incredibly crappy Winters). So this year, in order to be a wicked awesome grad student, I moved to Alexandria Virginia. Which translates to: it's currently in the 90's here and this is UNACCEPTABLE! It's been 3 year since I've been in school and beginning my new journey, hopefully to a more permanent place in academia, and I want it to be long-sleeve season. I want a REALLY good excuse to go buy some fresh new sweaters and actually get the chance to wear them in the next month. But alas, while looking oh-so-forward to a milder Winter, I also had to extend my Summer. Wow this sounds like a whiny post, but the point I'm actually trying to make is, I went on vacation with my boyfriend's family to Maine for 10 days before he and I moved to VA. And I'm not just talking about still kind-of New Hampshire, practically still Massachusetts, Kittery Maine, I'm talking about 4 more hours driving North of that. So by the end of the vacation it had really started to cool down on the lake and it felt like Fall was coming (because in that part of Maine it's probably already Winter). But when I got excited about it and told my boyfriend how it's my favorite time of year his response, "Honey, I hate to break it to you, but we have about 2 more months of Summer coming to us in Virginia." ...Needless to say he's right.
I guess this is my really long/ranty way of saying I want to make Chili for dinner tonight (or some kind of soup), while wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt, and without my A/C running. Being this in love with Fall means not wanting to wait for it anymore! (And not wanting to read about all of my friends back home having Pumpkin Coffee at Dunkin!! Stop it people!!)
So, now to get back to my British Lit readings, that way I'm prepared on my first day as a grad student. Or maybe some more inspiring Holly posts. Mostly, I just need to channel the fact that I will not be perfect, but I am going to be real and honestly Elizabeth during school. Which was not at all how my undergrad career went. Wish me luck!
~E
Monday, July 29, 2013
Stressing Out and Being Myself
So last Friday was my final day at work, meaning today I spent my day running around like a chicken with no head trying to get all of my last-minute things together before I relocate to Virginia. I was up and productive and incredibly proud of myself going into this afternoon. Then, I stopped at Taco Bell (which I've been craving, not proud of it, but it's the truth) and headed over to the RMV. That was where my productivity came to a screaming halt. I don't have some paperwork I needed to complete my transaction. So that was an hour wasted. In an attempt to try to continue the productivity and try to make myself better, I ran to Walmart and grabbed some organizational things for my new life in VA. I also grabbed a snickers bar and was half-way done with it before I even got out of the parking lot. I wasn't hungry, I was actually still full from lunch. But something just wasn't right and I thought that at the bottom of the wrapper was where I was going to find happiness and enlightenment. I found neither. (I know, shocking!)
So the stress of the move, coupled with the loss of my aunt last month has been tremendous and today it really got to me. But what I wanted to know is why was I so upset with myself? I stepped on the scale this morning and learned that I've officially gained all the weight back that I lost 3 years ago. Yeah, that was a great start to my day. But I put it out of my head knowing that I ate my way through my emotions in June, until I had that snickers bar, which was when i realized that I've just lost all sense of really caring for my body. I know that I'm a bit hefty (and that is being incredibly forgiving), but I just haven't really cared enough about myself to make a change. I've just been playing the guilt game, making myself feel just shitty enough to function, but not enough to actually try to change my ways. So I started to question what has been going on with me, why I feel the way I do. I mean Hell, I ran a 10K on July 3rd and just hated it. I didn't enjoy the experience at all because I was too busy beating myself up for abandoning my training right around my birthday. Well true to the formula, when I started asking questions, I started facing answers that I didn't like. And like a ton of bricks, my emotions and the truth knocked the wind out of me and tears started free-falling. I started by made a list of the things that I didn't like myself and when I got to the 4th thing, "My Shitty Immune System", suddenly my universe just clicked into place.
I was diagnosed with RA in September/October 2007. My first semester in college. I know that I've mentioned it before but I've never accepted the diagnosis and as such, I haven't really accepted myself. I hate that I have this disease, especially because I feel so damn lucky that I've responded so well to treatment. I feel as if my complaints aren't legitimate because no one can see anything wrong with me. But it has wreaked havoc on my self esteem and my self love. I hate myself because of this disease. I hate that at 18 years old I essentially gave up on myself. In the past 6 years I've been able to lose weight, but really I just haven't cared, unless I've been single and looking. But honestly, I just don't find myself caring what I look like at all. I find myself jealous of other women and their style, confidence, bodies, essentially their EVERYTHING! I know that I have a tendency to be a perfectionist (mostly to hide my self hatred and that is a very difficult thing to do) but I'm just now starting to discover just how enormous this iceberg of jealousy and hatred really is.
I don't ever remember a time when I felt "good enough" for anything. But I specifically have not felt "good enough" since my diagnosis. I have always had these feelings of being a burden or being too needy and loathing myself because of it. I have only ever taken pride in myself when it was absolutely necessary, like job interviews, first dates, or weddings. Even this blog, I've been neglecting it because all I've felt other the past month is varying degrees of stress, grief, and self hatred. It seems as thought I created my 101 list as a way to make my life more exciting, to seem "better" or "cooler" than I really am. I'm still hiding myself in an attempt to "fit in". And by doing so I'm cheapening myself and my experiences. I seem to have turned into an attention whore in the way that I need attention like I need oxygen. That's why I've loved texting, Facebook, instant messenger, and all things instant gratification (chocolate, I'm also looking at you). But I've only allowed you to see the best version of myself, not the version I'm working towards, just the false "happy all the time" version. Hell, even my last few meetings with my therapist I've been hiding the true unhappiness. I've been hiding myself for years.
I want to be true to Elizabeth. I've been listening to Trish Blackwell's podcast "Confidence on the Go" and she keeps bringing up the idea of living life "congruent to who you are" and that has just resonated with me so much. I've felt that this is where my disconnect is. I'm not acting as Elizabeth, I'm acting as the attention whore. And that is not what I want. I want to be who I am. And that is just what I am going to do. I want to discover myself and be open and honest about what I actually need, not just what "looks and sounds right". So here is to the path of most resistance and the most personal growth.
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