Back at it

Happy Monday

It's the wee hours of the morning on Monday, but I just haven't been able to sleep. I have been thinking a lot about this blog and what I should do with it, as I've been so absent. Well, I've decided to actually devoting some time to writing here, since I'm officially done with grad school! Graduation this past Friday was wonderful! Especially with my family and Sean there to witness it. 

So now that I'm free, I've been thinking about what the next step looks like. I won't be heading back to Boston for at least a year, and my 101 list is winding down, the final day is July 4th this year. So how will I wrap it up and continue on? That is the question. 

My goal, currently, is to start really focus on my personal growth, emotionally, physically, financially, and career-wise. In order to do that, I've decided to find some words that I want to feel I embody and can use as inspiration for this growth. Courage, strength, authenticity, love, happiness, relaxed, jovial, encouraging, determined, open, flexible, and receptive. Those are the traits I'd like to emulate and I will.

So here's to an exciting new step, that I'm hoping to reveal right here. 

<3 E

Home again

I know that it's been a while since I've been here but I finally finished graduate school and I couldn't be happier!!! I'm finally back in Massachusetts, having come home for Christmas. This is where I have been dying to be for so long now and as I sit in the Social Security office parking lot waiting for my boyfriend to finish paperwork and dealing with the atrocious line inside, I just realize how much I love it here and I am so meant to be here. I'm currently reading Lena Dunham's book and she has this one section about the 10 reasons why she loves New York and as I sit there reading it I just realize that that's how I felt about being in Boston the other day. Even though all of my belongings are in Virginia and it's the only apartment I've ever had as an adult, home is still in the Bay State. 

Now that school is over and I'm finally feeling like a normal human being again, or at least a human with a manageable stress level, I and looking north. I'm so ready to be back among the familiar, among the places and people that I love. Even from a really young age I knew that I would leave Boston/Massachusetts, but I also knew that I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. Home is where the heart is and I wouldn't want my heart anywhere but here.

~E

Christmas in November...?

I talked about this the other day on my Facebook, but I wanted to really talk about this Christmas explosion here too. First and foremost, I grew up in Plymouth County Massachusetts, home of Plymouth, ya know, where the very first Thanksgiving happened! And Thanksgiving is HANDS DOWN my favorite holiday. My parents host my Dad's side of the family and it's pretty low-key, no kids running around, just some of my dad's siblings and a cousin or two. So every year I feel so ripped off when the day after Halloween Christmas rears it's ugly head.

But, for the first time ever, for whatever reason this year, I have been so comforted by the Christmas stuff in the stores. I'm praying it's not me being beaten down by the capitalist machine, but there are quite a few reasons why I think I'm ready to Deck the Halls.

First, this Thanksgiving is going to be my very first celebrating somewhere else. Because I made Sean come to Stack Thanksgiving last year, I have to go to his family this year. And trust me, I love his family, so I'm not bitter about that at all. I know I'm going to have a great time, but it is definitely going to be different.

Part of feeling bummed about missing my family's celebration, and the reason that I made Sean come to my house last year, is because of my aunt Diane's passing. Diane is my dad's sister, so to have one person missing in such a small party is a big loss, in so many ways. She's been gone for over a year now, but there is not a single day that I don't think about her and miss her. And these past few months, the more stressed out I feel about finishing school and all of the next big moves, I can't help but miss her and the wonderful advice that she always had for me. I always set next to her whenever we had family dinners, (and she was always my roommate when we traveled) so there has been so many changes and opportunities for growth this past year+ and I am just having such a hard time moving forward without her. I'm hoping when school is over and I figure out my next job that I will be able to really mourn and accept all of the feels I have rolling around over here. Now, enough of this crappy stuff, on to something way more exciting!

Then, Black Friday, while others are doing crazy things like shopping in the wee hours of the morning, I will be getting ready to take a train from Boston to Philly so I can be at my friend's wedding shower and bachelorette party that Saturday. This Thanksgiving I will literally, (like the actually meaning of literally, not the figurative meaning) be taking planes, trains, and automobiles to get from DC, to Boston, to Philly, to DC... I'm actually exhausted just thinking about that. It's not going to be a restful holiday.

Once I've returned from all of the traveling, I will be in my final week of graduate school. That is so exciting and so daunting at the same time. And once my 2 final papers are done I'll be ready to take a break! December is going to include about a week of relaxation before Sean and I head back to Boston for a nice week-long visit with friends and family. Which will include Coughlan Christmas (my mom's family) with Sean. Then, we are headed to Austin for my friend's New Year's Eve wedding (the same friend from the Thanksgiving trip). So my plan is to just enjoy that quick 3 day trip in a brand-new-to-me-and-Sean city and to party-hardy. Then, head back to DC for a relaxing weekend before we have to face the real-world in 2015.

So all in all I think I'm just really excited for the relaxation that the Christmas break is going to give me, plus all of the celebrating at my friend's wedding. I'm going to be D-O-N-E done with my Master's, and I'll be able to just figure out the next steps.

So that's where I am, enjoying the Christmas decorations in stores (even though Sean and I won't be putting up our tree considering the 2 weeks round Christmas we won't be home). And trying my hardest to push through the end of this program! Here's to a successful 2014 Holiday Season :)

Cheers!
Elizabeth

Fear and Loathing in VA

I feel as though I've back tracked since I got to graduate school. I feel as though I know myself less now than I did before I left. I'm having a really hard time with that. I'm about 2 months away from wrapping up my Master's degree, and I'm not sure what my next big step is, which is terrifying. I really want the next move to be back to Boston, I'm ready to go home. But I don't want to go home for all of the wrong reasons, I want to go home because it is the right thing for Sean and I. I'm miserable being here without my family and I know that's been hard to handle for both of us. I feel as though this past year and a half I've lost the sparkle in my life. I feel as though I'm missing the carefree nature that I had begun to adopt. I'm constantly worried and constantly running around a million miles an hour, all hither, thither, and yon.

I've shied away from writing here because I don't know what to say. I don't know what I want to talk about. I've begun putting so much pressure on completing and achieving that I'm afraid to just let the words flow. I've officially become the things that I have been vigilantly trying to avoid. I'm constantly worried, and uptight. I think these things tend to go hand-in-hand, but I don't see the cycle being magically broken until I'm done with this final semester.

And that is killing me, knowing what the problem is but being so utterly powerless to fix it. I'm just so exhausted trying to be someone who I'm not, but that's not what I want for my life. I don't want to be burnt out from being and doing things that are not who I am. So here I am, trying to fight the fear of rejection and taking up my own quest for freedom by hitting publish on this post. Grammar and spelling be damned.

I don't know that I've ever said this before, but thank you for stopping by, whoever you may be. Whoever may have stumbled across this page (probably by complete accident haha), I appreciate you taking the time to read about me. Hopefully next time I'll have something a little more exciting to say about what's actually going on in my life aside from burn out.

Until next time,
~E

Welcome to the Minutia

I've been thinking about this place a lot, this little patch of the internet that I like to write in. Even though I haven't been around much, it's never left my mind for long. I do a lot of blog reading, and by a lot I mean I read about 6 or 7 blogs consistently, I check them almost everyday and get excited about reading what their lives are like. Between babies and engagements and life in general, these women that I read about are really busy and not writing constantly. This has lead me to wonder what makes me keep going back? It's my fascination with their lives. I love the minutia of it all. I have come to realize that what I love most about reading in general is learning about the little stuff, I love the lives of the people or the characters that I'm reading about. It's not about the person, it's not about the plot, it's about the magic that resides in-between character and plot.

I've also done a lot of thinking about my own writing, and how I'm afraid of a lot of things, one of which is having my writing read. It's not that I don't want to live out loud, it's that I'm afraid to do so. Or, have been afraid to do so. So I don't want to be afraid, I want to write about the silly stuff in my day and stop worrying about how people feel about it. If you don't like it, don't read it. (But seriously, I hope you like it and stick around!)

So that's why I'm back, to write about the things that I've been thinking and experiencing, because I have just as much right to this little space as anyone else. Be prepared to be underwhelmed with the day to day stuff that rattles around the ol' noggin.

Part of my fear about this whole opening up thing is because I don't have a niche. I'm not a mommy, or even a wife yet, so that knocks me out of a huge category of bloggers (...nor am I a daddy blogger). And as much fun as I have running, and I do, dear god have I missed running something fierce, I am not a weight-loss blogger by a long shot. I am in desperate need of working on my physical form, but my efforts are currently being focused on finishing my Master's Degree in December (a whole semester early!!) and working full time. I'm pooped just thinking about working out after a day at work and class.

Around these parts I've just been doing a whole ton of reading for school. I'm loving my classes this semester, I'm taking  Literature and Medicine, it's focusing mostly on mental illness in Lit. I just read Maus I, which was sad but a tremendous read. For those who have never read it, it's about the author's father's experience as a Jewish man in Poland during WWII. But it's a graphic novel (like Persepholis, which I read in college and LOVED) where the Jewish characters are mice and the Nazis are cats. I'm also taking two 20th Century Lit courses, one is British and the other is American. The British one is focused solely on Virginia Woolf, while my American Lit course is focused on post-soul, or post-civil rights Black American writing. So far for those courses I've read Mrs. Dalloway, Jacob's Room, and Drinking Coffee Elsewhere (by ZZ Packer).

I really enjoyed the Packer, as it was a collection of short stories that would be so engaging and then just when the story is climaxing, the tale would end. It was like falling and love and being heart broken over and over again. But I kept going back for more!

Tomorrow I'm off to finish my reading for the week and to celebrate my friend's birthday out in DC. I'm hoping to get some pictures to share. Have a great weekend! And please share some of what you're reading, I need more titles to finish for my 101 list! It's taken me about 2 years, but I'm at 51 titles now, hopefully I'll be able to read my brain out over the next 10 months to finish the list! <3 E

Just A Simple Kind of Life

As  my first full year in Virginia comes to a close, I've begun to do a lot of thinking about how I've been living my life, and what I've learned about myself. Each day I'm learning more and more about me, even when I don't really want to face it. But today was an interesting day of learning. I realized that I love a lot of things in my life, because they are just mine. When I started reading blogs and writing over here, I thought it was because I just needed to live my life out loud. And as you may have noticed from what changes around here, I enjoy playing with how my site looks but I very seldom write here.

It's like reading, I love reading, I love my library, but I don't want to write books, nor do I want to make teaching English my profession. These things I love are just mine. And by keeping my reading in the realm of enjoyment, I am able to light myself up and face other parts of life. I love being on Blogger because I have been keeping track of my book list here for the better part of the past 2 years. I want to continue that, and who knows, maybe I'll be back here writing about the books I love. But for now, I'm not going to promise anything. With looming writing deadlines for school and my general belief that I shouldn't have to stare at a screen at night after staring at one all day, if I don't want to, I just don't think that this place will be getting much traffic from myself.

If you've been here and enjoyed, well then I'm glad. I just don't want to continue another day being someone I'm not, and letting the whole internet into my most internal thoughts seems to be pretty counterintuitive to that ideal.

With much Love,

Elizabeth

Sleepless in Virginia

Happy July 4th!!

I'm sitting in bed, rocking the glasses so my eyes don't hurt, while Sean and snoring semi-lightly next to me. I cannot believe that it's already July, this year is just flying by. Being in the DC area for the 4th should be this huge occasion, but it is so hot, I'm tempted to hole myself in my air conditioned bubble (aka my apartment) and just watch movies and read all day. That may happen as well... We'll see.

This week was a whirlwind after going home and seeing the Boston gang. Having a couple of my friends from home down the weekend before last, then getting to go home last weekend, I've realized how much I miss home. I feel so unsettled, mostly because this just doesn't seem like "Base Camp". Base Camp is what I've been labeling the place that we are ultimately going to end up, right now we're just kinda hiking around, but I'd really like to get to the general region I'd like to live in and really make a concerted effort to make some solid career choices there. My personal goal is to make it back to New England, so we'll see how persuasive I am ;)

In other news, I'm just plugging along at work, and I had my final in-class session for my summer course, so now it's up to me to write my paper... My goal is to not being a HUGE procrastinator, so we shall see. I'm really excited about going on vacation to Maine in just under a month :) Last year with Sean and his family at their house near Bar Harbor was unbelievable. I can't wait to kayak, drink a lot of adult drinks, and just relax in the quiet and child-less atmosphere that it provides. I think going on a vacation that didn't include children of any kind (other than myself) was probably one of my favorite parts. Apparently all of those family vacations have jaded me.

I've been debating about what to do with my 101 list. I haven't been writing much and I certainly haven't been doing much for it (other than keeping track of all of my books in the page above). I'm wondering if I should try more, just let the time run out on its own, or what. I have a year from today. Wow... I can't believe it's already been 1.75 years since I made the list. Crazy! Well I'll keep you posted.

Have a tremendous and safe July 4th! What are you up to this long weekend?

~Elizabeth

Finding My Way Out

I had a tremendous past few weekends. Things around here have been insane because my weekends have been full of friends and traveling, leaving very little time for blogging or homework, but that's another story entirely.

I don't have much time, as I should most definitely be doing my homework, but I wanted to stop by to say hello! I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want and where I'm going. I've realized that in every aspect of my life I've been doing the worst thing possible for myself. I've been searching through all of my pain and sorrow for the easy way out. I know, as an intelligent reader you are probably sitting there shaking your head telling me I am such a silly girl. But there it is, my flaw. So I am re-evaluating my options, my plans, and my shortcomings. I hope to be writing much more very soon, and I hope even more for these words to be truth and not empty promises to you. 

I'm not sure there are many people who wander into my little corner over here, but for those of you that do, I thank you most sincerely for dropping by, and I hope to give you more tidbits from my life soon.

With Endless Love,

Elizabeth

Woman Crushes and Pursuing Every Happiness

For Christmas 2010 the only thing I really wanted was the movie "Eat, Pray, Love". I had fallen in love with the film that Summer when it had been released and I was trying to get through my first big breakup. Like, didn't get out of bed without crying a LOT first, kind of breakup. Granted, I did the breaking up and I hadn't been happy in that relationship in a long while; but this was also the College boyfriend, the first boy I thought I would marry and have a family with, like how my parents (and his too) had met in college and gone on to live happily ever after (mostly).

But enough about that shmuck, back to Christmas morning. So I open the movie, I think my little brother had given it to me, and I was giddy. I put it aside, knowing that as soon as I was done with the gift opening and family breakfast, that I would watch it. As soon as I had enjoyed my family's company, or at least enough to be excused without being rude, I went upstairs to my tiny new room put the dvd in my dvd player that I had bought my freshman year of college, and watched it on my flat screen 19" tv that I had gotten for Christmas my freshman year of college as well. And from then on I watched the movie over and over for over a year, sometimes falling asleep to it, sometimes waking up and turning it on. Sometimes, watching it while taking mental notes as though this movie held the very secret to life itself, other times half listening and quoting most of the movie back to the screen while I did other things like writing, changing, sometimes even cleaning my tiny room.

Fast forward to today, I came home from work, grabbed some Wendy's with Sean, dropped him at class, then got home, changed into sweats and put the dvd in. I'm only half listening, but the quick flashes of Julia Roberts that I'm getting in between writing this post, and the familiar soundtrack that I may or may not have on my iPhone, drifts just below my full consciousness. I'm watching it on my dvd player that I bought my freshman year of college and my flat screen 19" tv that I had gotten for Christmas my freshman year of college as well. It's even on the same wire cubby thing that I've had since college because I haven't had the chance in the past couple of months to put together the nice new wooden(ish) cubby thing that Sean and I spent too much on at Bed Bath & Beyond. The difference is that I'm roughly 500+ miles away from that tiny room, I'm all stretched out on my queen size bed that I share with my boy, in a room that is far from tiny. I have been trying to constantly cultivate the life I want, sometimes needing to drop habits, sometimes needing desperately to remember those instances where I felt undeniable love and happiness.

I decided to watch this particular  movie because on Saturday, which happened to be my 25th birthday, I watched "The Normal Heart", also by Ryan Murphy, also with Julia Roberts. It was this unbelievable film about the AIDS outbreak in 1980's New York City. Not exactly the "Let's Celebrate My Birthday" type of movie, but unbelievably moving all the same. As I watched Julia Roberts, as Dr. Emma Brookner, freak out at members of the medical community for their staunch resistance in funding her AIDS research, that I realized how much I love Julia Roberts. She is definitely my woman crush. The parts that I've seen her play always have this unparalleled passion for what they do in their lives, whether its through medical research, or a year traveling to find that passion. So while I try to find my passions and my everyday happiness, I look to her for the inspiration to leave no stone unturned in my pursuit of the life that I want. I'm learning to smile, love, and check my perfectionist tendencies at the door. Care to join me on this most important venture?

With Love,
Elizabeth

Updates and Upcoming Changes

Happy Memorial Day! It's about 3am here on the East Coast and I'm unable to sleep, so thank God I have tomorrow off from work!

I've been pretty absent around here lately, thanks mostly to the end of Spring semester, a sweet cold that Sean and I both had after finishing Spring semester, and then my parents, brother, and grandmother arriving for a mini vacation! I'm planning to write a whole blog post about it and do a bit of a photo dump. For now, I wanted to touch base on what's been happening over here, other than the start of my Summer class. 

So these past few weeks have been exhausting for a whole bunch of reasons, but I've also been able to gain a lot of insight into how I've been progressing the past year. As my 25th birthday gets closer and closer, I'm realizing how far off of my health path that I've strayed. How I feel physically and emotionally have become just unbearable. So what I've finally realized is I need to start making some major changes around here. Sean and I have been doing a lot of talking about what we'd like to do. I'm currently the heaviest I've ever been, prior to this year the heaviest I'd been was about 30 lbs under what I am now. It isn't pretty over here. I'm lethargic and for the first time in my life I'm uncomfortable in my skin. Thanks to the past 2+ years of running and being more conscientious about my body, I now know what I'm capable of, I just haven't had the energy to implement it. Now, I have no choice whatsoever. I'm unable to fit into my clothes, which makes me even more comfortable, because I'm not exactly in a place financially where I can replace my entire wardrobe. I've also noticed that for the first time in a while, I don't care about style. Actually, I care tremendously, I'm just not in a position that it matters because I'm so uncomfortable in my skin.

I never in a million years thought I would be here, especially after all of the hard work I had put into my running and my overall health. It's been really disheartening knowing I got so far and have just completely caved. I can feel myself losing my self confidence and ambition. I'm so tired and lacking an overall sense of care that I'm legitimately scared for my future. If I don't make some tremendous changes, I am headed for an early grave, there's no doubt about it. My depression and self-consciousness are on totally new levels that are making it hard to function on a day-to-day basis. Overall, it's taken me a long time to realize how my standard of life has just disintegrated. 

So, starting on Memorial Day, (today) I'm going to be making some big changes. I have been seeking emotional support through friends and a therapist for a while now. But I'm finally ready to start making changes to my physical health. It's going to be hard, especially with a weight loss goal of nearly 100 lbs. But I need to re-teach myself how to fight through it and fight for myself. I've done a lot of good things in my life and I'm ready to start sacrificing my fat for the best life that I could possibly have. 

I'll definitely be keeping you updated as time goes on, but I wanted you to know that a lot of my not being here was me hiding from the reality of where I am right now. I'm fat, tired, disappointed, but I'm also unbelievably motivated to not be in this position again. I'm ready to fight the good fight and regain my passion and love for my life. Have a great Memorial Day!

~Elizabeth

Checking In

I'm in the midst of April, as one professor called it, "The Cruelest of Months". As the semester comes to a close and the weather is becoming more beautiful, I'm struggling (to say the least) with finishing this semester strong. Which is part of the reason why I've been absent around here. I've been drowning in work that I just don't want to and end up procrastinate doing. But especially today. Today has been an extremely hard day for me. One year ago today I was at work, at one of the biggest hospitals in Boston, when those 2 explosions rocked Boylston St., Boston, Massachusetts, and the whole nation. And even 1 year later, I'm still trying to figure out how to handle all the feelings I have about it. Today is about remembering and healing. Maybe someday I'll write about my experience, but for now I'm going to try to relax and work on homework so I don't fail Spring semester.

With Love,
EAS

101: #3 Get a Manicure

So here it is, my attempt at tackling my 101 list with updates and stories! First up, #3 Get a Manicure.

I completed this on May 18th 2013, and I even got a Pedicure as a fun addition.
Photo Proof:

So May 18th was the day that I there my parents a Surprise 25th Wedding Anniversary Party (while living under their roof, thankyouverymuch). As a gift to herself, my mom decided to get a new engagement ring, and as I knew that the party was going to happen and that almost no one in my family had seen the ring, she needed to get her nails done, without really knowing the ulterior motive. So I convinced her that she and I should do mani-pedis, which she agreed to do since she was "going out with friends" that night.

We went to a local nail salon, without making a reservation. So we got to do a lot of hanging out together while I panically text family members and Sean about my running oh so very late. I even ran into a friend of mine from when I was younger, who I'm Facebook friends with, so I had to warn her not to mention anything about my big plans for the evening, because the perk of my parents not having Facebook is my ability to post whatever I wanted about my plans for them. So eventually my mom and I were able to get ourselves done and dried, then off we went back home. Where I stuffed my face really quickly before forcing my brother to clean a bit around the house before we took off to do pre-party prep (say that 3x's fast).

The mani-pedis were a great success, as was the party. As you can tell, I definitely surprised them.

(Photo Courtesy of my awesome cousin Theresa)

And don't worry, someday I'll tell you the whole story about this party because that is #96 on my list! So I'm curious, have you ever been able to pull off a surprise party? Or had one ruined early on in the process? Or have you ever had a surprise party thrown in your honor?

~E

Day Dreaming

Happy Hump Day!
(Edit: I'm writing this post at 2am EST which makes it Wednesday, but Blogger keeps saying it's Tuesday, so take that for what you will.)

I hope that you are enjoying this week as much as I am. The weather here has been getting warmer each day in VA, so I'm loving that (especially because I have to walk between my apartment and the bus stop, so good weather is always a plus in my book). I wanted to talk today about Day Dreaming, I've realized over the past week or so that I haven't been doing a whole lot of that lately, and that it's partially because of my stress level, but also contributing to my stress level because I'm not Day Dreaming.

Let me rewind a bit, in Spring 2012 I was training for my first 5k, running around 3 miles multiple times a week, enjoying the Spring and early Summer that Massachusetts offers. I had learned a while back that I run better without music, because due to my history as a dancer, I run to the beat and it screws up my precious breathing (activity asthma for the win!). But I was starting to get bored running my normal route. And sure, I could have picked a new route, but with no sidewalks where I lived, I'm still amazed to this day that I was never injured running around town. Anywho, at the time the guy I had been dating and I had talked about moving out of state, with his daughter. So I tried to start thinking about what that would look like, what I wanted it to look like. And I remember so vividly how I could see my life. Granted, the perfectionist in me also made me seem like Wonder Woman, "She's a student! No, she's a stepmom! No, she's the main breadwinner! No, she's a fashionista with a flair for arts and crafts! I think we can all see the picture here. As we know, things didn't go according to plan. 2 days after my birthday I ran my first 5k, then 2 weeks after that Diane was diagnosed with cancer, then 2 months after that I left my boyfriend because I knew that I was destined for more, and I didn't want to waste any more time with something that was clearly not going to work into my big-picture plans.

The following Spring, I was training for multiple races, dating someone new, and getting ready for graduate school. Again, during my almost daily runs I'd dream about what city I'd end up with, or whether I'd be doing it on my own or with a partner in crime. I was doing crazy things like going to work, stopping by Diane's hospital room when she was in residence at the hospital I worked for, then meeting Sean, going to his apartment, running 4 miles solo on Revere Beach, then having date night with him before returning home to my parent's place to sleep. I was doing unbelievable things. But then a few months later, when I lost Diane in June, I stopped running. I remember running once around my neighborhood as a half-assed attempt at beginning my training, then completing the Finish at the 50 10k with a few of Sean's closest friends. And that was really it. Life sped up, we moved, and the rest is history.

I've gone for a few walks in and around my neighborhood, and even 1 run. But honestly, it's been hard to get back into with the demands of work and school. Which sounds like such a copout, but that balance is a bitch. I also know a factor is the cold, in the past few years that I've been a runner I always stop in around December 1st and then pick it back up when the weather gets nicer. And that's what I'm planning on doing. The nicer the days get the more I can feel the pull to throw together some crappy clothes and head out the door. Because I miss how athletic I used to be, I miss getting time to myself to just dream without feeling like I'm never going to make it through the rest of the week, because that is what it's felt like these past few months. I'm in awe of my own ability to survive and thrive, but I also know that I'm ready to start dreaming again. To start letting go of all of my insane responsibilities for an hour and be alone. I am a person who needs alone time sometimes, and that is always such a hard thing for me to remember. Take tonight for example, Sean passed out really early tonight and while he was snoozing I was actually able to get a lot of stupid little things accomplished around the apartment that I feel like I can never do when we are both awake here. I'm way too excited about that. I always forget how I crave me time.

I'm trying to figure out ways to have alone time and allowing myself the chance to Day Dream without letting the worry (that I swear is a genetic disorder in my family) take over every corner of my life. Any advice would help! What do you like to Day Dream about?

~E

Spring Break

Happy Saturday!!!

I'm laying on my couch, freshly coffee'd, with our slider wide open, allowing the beautiful natural light and warm breeze into my apartment. It's just before 11:30am and I already feel like I've conquered the world. Apparently, that's what will happen when you go to bed at 9:30pm on a Friday night. Ha! The excitement around here never ends.

I'm feeling so inspired, mostly because I don't have to go to school this week, and I plan on using my time as wisely as possible so that I can be on track, if not ahead of the game come the weeks following. I am on a serious mission to kick ass at school and I seem to be setting myself up for some serious success in that way. These past few days I've been really focused on doing what I need to do for myself, taking care of what my wants and needs are both emotionally, but also physically. I know control is definitely not the right word to use, but I feel like I'm finally living the way that I want to live, (even though I'm functioning on a much tighter budget than I'd ever imagine having to function on).

So I wanted to share my goals for the week, not as a way to hold myself accountable, but so I can come back and be inspired by my own ambition, or so that I can help inspire others to live and do exactly what they want. That's really what I'm searching for in this life, a way to inspire others. That's what I've always truly wanted, and I think it explains my previous choices in men… But that's an entirely different discussion.

Goals for the week:

• Blog 5 times (yeah, this post right now is totally counting as number 1 haha!)
• Write 3 "101" blog posts that have been hanging over my head for over a year now!
• Read 3 books for school
• Start reading and writing for research papers
• Register then go to the Library of Congress for a class project
• Then write the paper for the LOC.
• Clean my apartment! (And then finally share pictures of a clean place as part of my "101" list)
• R~E~L~A~X! 

It's going to be a full week here, but I'm incredibly optimistic about how it's all going to turn out. So stick around and enjoy the ride!!

~E

Coffee Date!

Happy Friday Friends! Lets have some coffee!

Above is the picture of my beautiful Caramel Macchiato, the wonderful people in the Starbucks store downstairs in my building at work know my name and my order, though as you can tell, they are busy people, and my name is long ha! But I'm so excited about getting to enjoy a nice low-key day at work while partaking in this delicious coffee.

So if we were having coffee, I'd be announcing how excited I am that I'm officially on Spring Break as of the completion of my class last night! So excited! I'm not going anywhere, and I didn't even take work off, but the prospect of working 8-4 for the next week and not being a giant stress ball is just exhilarating! (Oh what an adult life I lead haha!) I'm also proud to announce that I've done all 3 of the presentation/class discussions that I have to do for the semester, and I got my first grade back A for this chicky!!! And that was definitely the presentation I was the most nervous about. I was all smiles last night when I got that grade back, for the entire 2+ hours I was in class, and the professor sat across from me, so I'm sure she appreciated the look on my face.

I've also be doing a lot of thinking and working on what I want to be working towards in my life. I'm aiming to complete my Master's Degree in December, so that would be so SWEET and I've secured my (temporary) job until at least August 29th. So I don't have to worry about rent or anything, which is tremendous! On the work/school front things are fantastic, though the long days/ day-to-day drama/crap I could definitely do without, but not the pay! Ifyouknowwhatimean. So I've been doing more, "what do you want your life to look like" and "what are you dreaming about and not doing" kind of thinking. A lot of that has been centered around my living out loud. I've become so quiet, well not quiet, but far more reserved since I moved to the DC area. I remember this happening when I went to college and when I started my first Big-Girl-Job back in Boston. I become more introverted, in so far as I'm afraid that people won't like me for who I actually am if I open my mouth and let me truth out. And I'm getting really tired of feeling that way. Kathleen's post about living small, was really what sparked this whole train of thought for me, it's a great read (as she is a great lady/ blogger/ new Momma). So this train has been sparking more thoughts about what I want for this blog, my relationships, and what I want for my body. I've had a bit of weight gain, which we've talked about before. But it's not even about that, it's about wanting and needing (desperately) to take better care of myself. It's about wanting and needing to better cultivate and nurture friendships. And it's about being open and honest with the world about who I am, and not constantly feeling shame for it. Because that's were I've been lately, just hanging in a lot of shame. Oh Brene Brown, how glad I am that I've read your books and watched your Ted talks on shame long before hitting this part of my life. So that's where I am, letting myself grow out of the shame, letting myself be vulnerable and uncomfortable, but embracing it instead of jamming it into my overstuffed closet.

Today's coffee date is pretty heavy stuff. But I'm really excited that I'm starting to make headway out of my pity-party days and into more exciting growth and development.

Okay, so now it's your turn. What's on your mind? Lay it on me.

Lets Be Honest

If you can't be honest on the Internet, where can you, am I right? Okay, there may be some flawed logic in there, but follow me on this. 1 year ago I met my current boyfriend, we were both training for a couple of races. I was consistently running and exercising, because I was hell-bent on running a half marathon. (Yeah, we all know how that ended.) Anyways, I run a couple of 5ks, and was slated for a 10k and half marathon in July, great! Then, my Aunt Diane passed, and I just stopped running, I was so focused on moving 500 miles away and not dealing with the emotions behind losing a loved one that I didn't even miss it when I initially stopped running. In July I ran the 10k, on little to no training. Which, holy crap girl, that's insane! But I realized a half marathon would just about kill me, so I didn't run it. Nor did I run the other half marathon that I had scheduled for October, once I got to VA.

Once I moved to VA I was running around like a nut (and still am) trying to juggle life and Graduate School. So in November I finally caved and bought bigger jeans and work pants. And now those pants and my regular shirts are way too tight/ don't fit. My eating habits are atrocious, and my exercise routine is nonexistent. I didn't make any crazy New Years resolutions because two days after Christmas I lost my Uncle Richard. Which just brought up even more emotional turmoil. I've learned these past few months that I take emotional and stress eating to whole new levels. And trust me, I wasn't exactly a small girl to begin with. 

Which brings me to this morning, I weighted in at 271.2 lbs. That's about 50lbs in 8 months. But honestly, most of that has been heavily concentrated in the last 6 months. I don't know what was sadder, that I've hit number, or that I wasn't blown away by it either. Between working full time in a very sedentary job, going to grad school, and being out on my own for the first time, this backslide/complete free fall is understandable, but not acceptable. 

So, the buck stops here. I can't even believe I shared my weight with the Internet, but I need to make drastic changes, and so that's what I want to use this space for, my weight-loss. I started it off by packing my lunch, so I can avoid the crappy lunch options near my office. I plan on making my own meal this evening, and it might just need include a salad. I want to change, I need to change, but I'm terrified of change because, well, I'm human. But there is no way in which I can't find a way to lose and maintain a healthier weight and lifestyle. My life literally depends on it.

So stick with me as I figure out how to kick some ass won't ya?

2013 Goals Revisited

So I know it's no February, but I think it's time a take a quick peak at my goals from 2013. It's been a crazy year for me, lots of ups and downs, lots of changes and new experiences. Honestly, I really dropped off most of my goals after June, after my aunt passed and I started really getting prepared to move. I feel like the second half of 2013 was really just full of excuses, but I also know that I've been particularly hard on myself these past few months. So, without further ado, my recap of my 2013 goals.

My Goals 2013

Fitness:
Run a half marathon. By December 31st 2013 I signed up for 2. (and paid for 2, in 2 different states) but I barely trained for the 10k and just didn't feel comfortable running that far without putting in more training so I wouldn't wreck my knees.
Run 2 5Ks  April with Sean and friends, then June for myself. June's 5k I broke the 40 minute mark! I was so proud of myself.
Run a 10K Finish at the Fifty on July 3rd, coolest experience ever, running on the Gillette turf, getting to hear my name announced in the stadium, however, running up and down the ramps, not so awesome.
Be able to do a REAL push up hahaha… no
Be able to complete the entire ab thingy on the P90X Also, not so much. 

Body: So this section was pretty much a bust. I have gained a lot of weight this past year, so no part of this section panned out...
Learn to love my body for all that it is and is not 
Take better care of my joints
Size L shirt (M is a stretch goal)
Size 10 pants (Size 8 is a stretch goal)
Rock more high heels

Finances: Mostly this was a bust too. I accomplished some of these things, but then have quickly backtracked because I'm on my own and learning how to manage my finances. Things were crossed off  ash I did them, but the back sliding has not been a positive change.
Stop eating out so much, bring lunch from home/ Stop and Shop
Consistently write in your checkbook and balance
Pay off all credit card debt by June.
Figure out how to finance Grad School Yay Student Loans!

Self: This one has been particularly hard, having stopped going to therapy (Which I'd been going to for almost 2 years) when I moved, plus dealing with a new way of life and sharing my apartment with the boy. So I'm taking it slow and trying to make everyday better than yesterday.
Keep learning about me!
Continue to be Perfectly Imperfect
Work on letting go of the control freak and embracing the mistakes.
Finally rock that Tattoo
Keep working on 101 list :)

Work/Professional: I have to say this was my most successful group, there's been a lot of professional growth this past year.
Finish applying to Grad School
Get into Grad School
If Not, find a plan B
Move out of family home as of 8-13 I no longer live at my parent's house!

Travel: Moving on my own has been quite the travel adventure. So while England didn't happen, a last-minute road trip back to MA for a weekend was perfect. I'm calling this a win.
Go on a road trip!
Go to England again :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So overall, I'm actually surprised how much I was able to accomplish this year. So as I move forward in 2014, I'm going to try to focus on the positive parts of it.
I am having a hard time trying to figure out how I want to move forward, how I want to really take advantage of my great life. It's been a bit hard to focus on my life and my own personal growth, but I'm going to get there. Thanks for sticking around while I do it.

~E

Friday Coffee

Good Morning! I can't believe how long its been since I was able to sit and blog, almost a month... which is CRAZY. But life has been just that lately, and with this sinus congestion that is currently kicking me in the face, life doesn't seem like it's going to get any easier any time soon.

So I've started reading a new blog, and I found this ritual that I absolutely love. The blog is Journey of a Dreamer and the blogger Courtney, does coffee dates where she talks about what she would tell you if you were sitting and having coffee together. I believe in the Charles Caleb Colton's quote, "Imitation is the highest form of flattery." So without further ado, lets get to that coffee date!!

 

Firstly, ^ that is what I'm drinking and eating as I write this. I have a serious love of the caramel macchiato. Which is a serious problem when Starbucks is attached to the building you work in. But I'll admit that today is the first Starbucks trip this week, and I'm really proud of myself for that. I've been having a hard time with all of these new Years resolutions trying to figure out what is peer/culture/social pressure, and what is actually what I want. I feel this need to be super, extra, totally 100lbs lighter than I am. And all I want to do is jog/run, when the weather isn't 30 degrees outside. I normally love making resolutions and plans, but this year I really just don't want to. I want to just enjoy my life. So trying to keep in that vein, I've been reading a bunch of blogs and then I feel this insane guilt/pressure to be the Best Elizabeth in the whole widest world (and really, how am I going to beat Queen E II exactly? Haha Just Kidding!) I'm really coming to terms with just how precious my life is and how I don't want to waste it being the thing that everyone else is trying to be. I want to be my own unique and authentic self. So that's pretty much my plan in 2014.

If we were having coffee right now, I'd also tell you that my uncle died 2 days after Christmas and that it's been a rough couple of weeks because of my adjusting to it. I ended up staying in Boston for a week longer than I had planned because of his services and the timing of New Years. Which means I've only been back in VA since Sunday essentially (my flight was so delayed Saturday after the big snow storm Thursday/Friday that all I did Saturday night was sleep). And my classes start Monday, as in 3 days from now. So to say that my life is a little stressful would be a fun understatement. And I'm also bumming because one of my best friends that I met at GW has decided to transfer and finish up her degree at a school closer to home. Not going to lie, that was really a blow. I tried to make sure that I was supportive of her decision, because much like me she gets all kinds of guilty about stuff like that (Hello Catholic Guilt, party of 2). So with all of those emotions rolling around I'm kind of a mess.

I'd also tell you that I'm so grateful for this coffee break. Taking the time to meet with people and just enjoy conversation (even if it's borderline bitching) is one of my favorite ways to spend time. I just wish I knew more people in VA.

So now that I'm done, I'm ready to listen attentively and drain this coffee. What would you tell me if we were having coffee?

Word Choices

Please excuse me while I rant a bit, but come to a phenomenally pertinent conclusion.

I've been working at a new job for over a week now, and I love it! The atmosphere, my coworkers, its all been great. Plus, my first Friday with the company was their holiday party which I helped with, so that wasn't a terrible way to end my week either.

My final papers for grad school are all turned in (one's even been graded and it didn't make me cry!!), the last one being turned in Monday night. So I am just now breathing again, holy crap did I not realize how stressed out I'd really been until I finally took a moment after finishing my last paper and feeling the weight almost literally lift off of my chest, suddenly a deep breath didn't seem to intimidating, it felt necessary. The only thing I have left to do is grade some final papers of my students, then I'm D-O-N-E done with my first semester. It's an exciting feeling.

So work has been pretty slow this week, which has been an added bonus because I'm still catching up on sleep from all of my papers and things. I've been doing a lot of reading over at positivelypositive.com and enjoying picking up the trail where I left off months and months ago. So this morning I started thinking about what it would look like to take care of myself. Not in a "It's Sunday, I haven't showered since Friday between Netflix distracting me and paper writing/grading/reading. Oh, and when was the last time I shaved my legs...?" kind of way, but in a, "What if I woke up in the morning and felt rested, not like I need an immediate influx of Starbucks espresso to keep me borderline functioning?" Through a bit of looking inward, and reading this tremendous letter that allowed me to look inward (because that has always seemed like such an elusive idea to me), I came to a conclusion, courtesy of an orange. That's right, courtesy of a piece of fruit (that was delivered yesterday to the office for someone who doesn't work here any longer), I had this moment.

Enter this orange, well this peel:

 

(That's right I managed to peel the whole thing in one piece! But also, it took a knife to get it started... peeling oranges is a weak spot for me, which is a really awkward weak spot to have.)

That says "Made for Kids". Reading that sticker stopped me in my tracks. What do you mean "MADE"!?!?!?!? Oranges=fruit=trees= GROWN not made. (Right here this post can go into a crazy discussion about overly processed foods and organic/natural/food, but it's not. It is taking a really crazy left turn.)

I got mad that the producers of this orange made a huge word choice mistake. Oranges are grown, from the ground. Grown. So I sat there, thinking about how stupid the people who make these oranges are.

After quickly inhaling the orange I started back thinking about how I need to take care of myself, how I need to better "balance" myself. (I don't really like using that word, but for the moment, I don't have the right vocabulary word for what I'm seeking.) I then started thinking about how I have trust issues, mostly with myself. Because I don't trust myself to get things done, it ends up spilling over and makes me a worrier, which I hate about myself. I thought about the plans and goals that I break and don't seem to care. And in that moment, writing down the two words, "plans" and "goals" I realized how incredibly different they are. I was making a terrible word choice. I have been beating myself up and berating myself because I "break" my goals. And that has been ruining my trust since I was first dieting as a younger girl. I have a terrible habit of putting everyone's needs ahead of my own, so I never kept plans for myself. And that revelation alone made me realize why I am a procrastinator, because I always come last. But what I've been missing over the years is the difference between breaking plans and promises to myself, and giving up on my goals. Goals are something that I want to achieve. Promises are something that I need to achieve. Man, was that clarity overdue. 

So as I finish up my semester, finish up this week, my Christmas shopping, and start creating goals, I'm realizing that by making goals I want to achieve in 2014, I am promising myself that I am going to try, but that if I don't achieve them, I am not an untrustworthy person. I am going to work on keeping plans with myself, making myself a priority, and keeping promises. I need to make a change and now that I'm startiong to make great strides in my vocabulary, hopefully the skills aren't far behind.

What word choices are you making that may not be working towards a better you?

~Elizabeth

The Post Mortem

Happy Thirsty Thursday!!

I'm thrilled to announce that as of 6:00 pm EST, I am DONE with being a GTA and my first semester of graduate school. (Okay, I still have 3 final papers to do, but still, no more classes for this Chicky!!) So as I sit here waiting for a student to arrive for a quick review of their paper, I'm thinking about the semester overall. And holy crap I can't believe I survived. I couldn't have done it without Sean, Netflix, or that really spontaneous trip to Boston. That I can tell you FO SHO!
But what I have done is survived the past 6 months without a certain someone. Wow, it's almost been 6 months. That realization just hit me as I thought about how hard this semester has been because Diane wasn't constantly available to me via the telephone. We used to talk a lot, and for long (looong) spans of time. So with all of my awesome mourning, and just general hormonal imbalances, it really isn't my ability to make it to the end of the semester, but Sean's. And I think that is a tremendous sign. Especially because we don't hate each other, and are actually having a "date day" tomorrow where we listen to Christmas music/watch Christmas movies and put together and decorate our first Christmas tree.
That has been the best thing about this whole 2013, Sean. I met him 10 days before Diane's surgery, 2 months before I was accepted to grad school, but exactly when I needed it. We may not have kissed at midnight on January 1st, or even spoken/text each other that night, but he has absolutely been instrumental in me making it to this point and not being a total quitter, who likes to sit in the corner in the fetal position. How lucky am I??

So, now that I have been successfully stood up, I'm off to write some papers and celebrate the accomplishment that is my first semester of graduate school :) (And I realize this post is definitely not about school at all… oh well!)