Getting Back Into It

Saturday we buried my aunt, it was a beautiful service and ceremony but it was so utterly heartbreaking. She died Wednesday morning, luckily enough my whole family was warned about how quickly she was declining, so we were all able to say our goodbyes. Now, however, we have to figure out how to move on, how to wake up and go to work not worrying about who is going to be with her during the day, or night, or at various doctor's appointments. I have to figure out how to take my lunch break without having my lunch buddy, because I was lucky enough to spend time with her everyday she was in the hospital. I cherish those days I was able to distract her from her disease, from her chemo treatment, or her latest surgery. I was so fortunate enough just to watch her sleep in the Emergency Room, never mind getting to help her with her book of word searches. Diane is going to be so greatly missed and the road towards healing is going to be arduous. But it's what she would want. I know that wherever she is, she's watching over me, wanting me to go to DC and rock graduate school, so that's what I'm going to do.

Auntie Di last year on her birthday.

Sunday was my brother's high school graduation party, and in honor of that, here is a lovely picture of my brother:

Classy stuff right here.

So Sunday was the first time that I saw my family for a happy occasion in quite a while. And I tried to make the best of it (and I think I did a pretty awesome job if I say so myself).

Oh cakes with embarrassing baby pictures, how I love thee.

So Sunday was a tremendous success, a real reason to celebrate and be happy. I'm so proud of my younger (once-upon-a-time shorter) brother. While I know it was definitely hard for all of us to eat, drink, and be merry without remembering the events of the past week, we did pretty well. But then again, only our family can have a big, loud, happy (ish) wake, (it's a gift really).

So now it's Monday, it's time to face the music and my stupid desk. But I'm here, and I'm going to work hard, not just to distract myself, but because now is the time to get'R done! In about 6 weeks I will no longer be an employee here and I'll be on my way up to Maine for a nice vacation before I move to DC. That is not a long time at all, so it's now or never to get myself situated and on to GWU. So wish me luck! and I'll try to keep you all updated. :)

Birthday Bookstore Visit

Happy June 7th!!

It's been a crappy day here in Boston, substantial rain and with generally nothing special about it, other than its Friday, and my 24th birthday. 

I'm waiting for the boy to meet me for dinner before we go to see the Boston Pops perform tonight. I'm just relaxing, or at least trying to, in the Barnes and Noble here. I found a book on running, which should so thoroughly engage my mind given my love of reading and my current training, alas, it's not. Instead I find myself drawn to those browsing the aisles, picking out books. And it made me wonder about my own love of reading.

I hate to admit it, but I've been in a bit of a reading slump these past few weeks. Given the current state of my family, there isn't a single person who could blame me. But it still stinks. I have no escape, no outlet for my emotions. I feel as though I'm a prisoner in my body, trapped here, feeling like crap, chained to my roofless doghouse outside in the torrential rain. I want to cry right along with Mother Nature. 

But my point was not to go down that shitty-ass depressing road again. I just find myself afraid to find a new book, partially for financial reasons, partially because my measly bookshelf is overflowing as it is, but mostly because I'm afraid to start. And that speaks to so many aspects of my life, I'm terrified to take the first step. I haven't applied to a single job in DC, I haven't even begun to start packing away my unruly bedroom, nor have I begun to unpack the intense emotions that are being held at bay by a single sheet of paper, ready at the slightest change in wind to split beyond recognition and let forth a tsunami of feelings I don't know what to do with just yet. I'm finding myself standing still, not wanting time to pass. As if my stoic stance will keep the sand from falling, the time from ticking away hours. I'm afraid to miss a single moment of my aunts shortened time here. I'm paralyzed by the same fears that have paralyzed her for her whole life, nearly 58 years. And that's even scarier. She was about 30 when her mother died of this very same disease, so while I'm a few years shy of that, I am not less terrified that I will follow their same fate. This has taught me how precious and fragile life is, and I'm so afraid to waste this gift that I'm paralyzed by the fear of living it wrong. Which is ABSURD!!  

So I'm going to try (really, really, really) hard to enjoy my 24th birthday, because it's the only one I'm ever going to have. And I'm going to try to accept that I have permission to enjoy my birthday, no matter the circumstances. And that is the part that makes me feel so guilty. But, I have to continue to live my best life, live my one and only life to the best of my ability. 

Happy my birthday!! 

P.S. My training guide calls for 10 miles tomorrow and in the crappy weather no less... Oy!! Wish me luck!

The End of 23

So tomorrow is the big 24!! And while I should be all kinds of excited, I've had a rough (really, really rough) day. Things are starting to go down hill very quickly with my aunt and I'm definitely not handling it very well. And being present today when she was told her prognosis was the hardest thing I've had to do so far.

But before I even got to the hospital, I was just a mess. I've missed most of my training runs this week, which is not giving me much confidence in the whole half-marathon scheme of things. I want to just give up, to just wait to run when I can focus on running. The only run I accomplished this week (Thus far) was a sad 3 miler on Tuesday. My legs were cramping, I had forgotten my inhaler, and my spirit was just dead. This hasn't gotten any easier and I think that isn't helping my morale either. I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself because my nutrition has been horrendous (hello, I'm a stress eater!) which just is killing my times and those are not so pretty to begin with. It's just a gigantic black hole of craptastic feelings.

My boyfriend has been amazing through everything, especially through my incredible self doubts. I just don't know what to do, I don't know how to move forward. I still don't have a place to live, a job, or my financial aid taken care of for grad school. So that's a wonderful stress-free part of my life as well.

...

Yeah, I'm going to end this post before I go any further, because dear god this started off pretty depressing and just hasn't gotten any better. But any advice that you have would be amazing. Because I don't know what to do. I need help. I need a plan, I need to get my laundry done and get ready for work tomorrow... oh how these lists go on and on. Happy My 24th Birthday Tomorrow!

~Elizabeth