So with work being particularly dead this week I've had a lot of time to think about my life. I've also had a lot of time to read. So here are some of the things I've learned through my "self-reflection" (aka crying) and my readings.

Deep Thinking (kind of): 

If I don't sit down and write things or actually actively think about my life, I get what I am now calling "emotional constipation". I get overloaded with emotions to a breaking point and then I weep while laying in bed on a Thursday afternoon when I should be at Zumba. ...Okay, so the second half of that was pretty strictly referring to yesterday, however; that shit happens. One of the most important parts of therapy has been me figuring out how to not cry. I am a crier. It's a part of who I am (especially that special time of month I now refer to as "shark week"). So while missing my most exciting and group-oriented exercise activity, I truly believe my meltdown was a HUGE NEON SIGN in the face saying: "do not neglect to write and to understand your feelings". 

Reading Enlightenment:

1) I have a tendency to enjoy ordering books from amazon.com rather randomly. (Which is why I refuse to own a Kindle though they are convenient and cute.) This tendency also includes me ordering memoirs about people who have battled, and have learned to move forward, from their depression. The first book was, Hide & Seek by Wendy Aron who's wonderful ability to make a joke at her anxiety and depression made me realize how my sense of humor could be part of the solution, not just a sarcastic addition to my troubles. And that revelation really did help me months ago when I was seriously struggling and in between therapists. This evening I finished reading "Struck by Living: From Depression to Hope" by Julie Hersh. I have been doing much better with my depression, especially since starting consistent physical activity and therapy with the most wonderful woman named Susan. Julie's incredible journey through depression throughout most of her life reminded me how fragile we all are. This life is a gift, even if sometimes we are unable to recognize the gift through the daze and darkness. For anyone who struggles with anxiety or depression I highly recommend these books, it allows a view that is different, yet told from a landscape that all people who struggle with depression and anxiety recognize and relate to. Not that I have any kind of formal medical or psychiatric training, I just found the two enlightening, and dare I say it... really enjoyable.

2) Now along with reading Hersh's book on my way to and from work, while at  work I found a wonderful blog Holly Would If She Could. While my book reading has been about the depression, this blog is all about where I hope to be heading. Holly discusses her life, style, exercise, and shares a TON of healthy recipes that fit into her Paleo way of life. (I think if she were to see this and see that i had labeled it a diet, might get upset... So as not to disappoint my new-found hero, I'm giving it the esteemed title, "lifestyle". And really, the way she cooks and uses it, it is WAAAAY more than a fad diet.) But this blog, along with being funny and entertaining is helping me see the bright, shiny, thin side of life. What initially got me hooked was her discussion about her weight-loss path. I found it enjoyable while not overpowering. She is not one to demand you reject your way of life and never eat another grain again. I like how real her blog is, how excited about everything (including cooking dinner... even when shes SICK!) And in the few short days that I have been reading I've found her energy so exciting and her extensive (incredibly extensive) 2012 Goals list inspiring.

So with all of this thinking and wonderful reading, my plan this fantastic Memorial Day weekend is to make my a 2nd half of 2012 Goals list. I'm hoping that with such wonderful opportunities in the next six months (including the impeding 23rd birthday in June!) I will be able to continue my climb towards continued happiness and balance. Having Goals is the first step! So I will hopefully be posting those steps here once I figure out what exactly it is I want. And if you were to ask my boyfriend, the wonderful Shawn, that is NOT an easy task.

Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone! "And I'll see you after the weekend..."

The Wonderful World of What If's

Good Morning! (or afternoon...)

I haven't been here in a while and for that I apologize. I can give you a million excuses, God knows I've been storing and using those for years. But the reason that I haven't been writing is because I haven't known what to say, what to write, or what I really wanted this blog to be about. I have been doing research and so many other bloggers have a theme, like marriage, or raising children. I just like to complain about the injustices in my life. Which aren't that many, nor are they truly blog-worthy. So this morning I came up with an idea. It is this absolutely insane idea.

What if I worked for what I wanted? What if I allowed myself the right to work harder and lose weight? What if I finally started writing a book (and working on my blog)? What if I finally inspire others the way I watch others inspire me? What if I stopped asking what if and made it happen?

So there it is. This blog is me, learning how to live a fulfilling life in any form that I choose. I'm still fighting with my depression, (thanks to a WONDERFUL therapist I don't have to fight quite so hard) and I'm still just Elizabeth. But I am going to document my day-to-day dealings with leading a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.

Today I finally signed-up (and paid [gasp!]) for a Weight Watchers membership. I have done weight watchers (back when their entire booklet was thinner than a deckof cards mind you) and I had great success with it, but just never really followed through. I tried to do this in January (like ever other knuckle head with a scale) but gave up after a few weeks because I'm a) impatient and the pounds weren't running away from my midsection fast enough and b) I wasn't mixing up my eating. I was eating the depriving myself of the same things everyday. This combination of things eventually lead to eating the better portion of a 1lb bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs (those things are like my crack! If they were available year round I would easily be 500lbs). But in April I started using Pinterest (which is my work-crack). I started finding inspirational quotes and exercises along with all kinds of fun cake decorations. My goal was to do 50 workouts before I step foot on a cruise in July. And I am incredibly proud to announce that as of today I am 25 workouts down in under 6 weeks. :) The unfortunate news that comes along with that is that my weight has been fluctuating in the same 8 lb range. I haven't done any major changes to my diet, therefore because I am suddenly doing so much physical activity, I am allowing myself anything covered in chocolate or cheese I can find. But today, spending actual money on my diet means I am actually making progress. If I can drop over $50 at Barnes & Nobel then another $40 on Amazon.com on books in the course of 4 days. I can DEFINITELY afford to spend $5/week on eating and living healthier.

So there it is, step one: admitting my problem, identifying what I'm doing right, then focusing on fixing all of the other crap.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Source: quotediary.me via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Where Was Myra??

So as you read my blog, I'm hoping that you will learn something new and exciting about me with each and every post. Tonight's post is about my preferences in the wonderful game of American Football. Of which my team has undoubtedly let me down. For those of you who understand the reference in my title, Kudos, to those of you who don't, I'll spell it out for you. I'm a Patriots fan. And while I didn't cry tonight (like I did in 2003 when the Sox lost the ALCS game to the Yanks), I was definitely not a happy camper. I have been reading a LOT over these past two weeks about the match up and the rivalry and that terrible 2007 Superbowl where my perfect pats got their asses kicked by yet another NY team. I was waiting for redemption, waiting to party like it's 1999 (or better yet, like it was 2001, 2003, or 2004). What I got was a good-for-nothing Brady and a defense that actually tried to hold there shit together with a decent amount of success but was unsupported by the offense. And the worst part, we lost this game because of ourselves. The Giants really weren't doing anything spectacular, they were just forcing us to question our abilities, and God knows that opening, one-play drive, that resulted in a safety and the first 2 damn points of the game definitely didn't do much for our self-esteem. But we couldn't put it behind us. We couldn't keep the ghosts of 2007 from hanging over Lucas Oil Stadium, and we couldn't seem to find the light from Mrs. Myra Kraft from helping guide us to the end zone. While all the blogs, articles, and television reports I absorbed over the past two weeks were very divided, most favoring the Giants, while my local reporters and writers exclaiming to the world that we are the best, we are the champions. It sucks that the 99% was right. We weren't. Brady didn't show up. One Brady quote sums up both the Division Title Game and the Superbowl, "I sucked pretty bad today..." ...Well, yeah, you did then, and you let us down now too. Thanks. Maybe your wife should stop asking for prayers and start letting you do you goddamn job. Forget Ugg, and all the other insanity that isn't football, and PLAY FOOTBALL. You know, that JOB that you're paid for.
I sound so grumpy. Maybe it's because I'm tired and I know I'm going to have to get up soon to go to work, maybe it's because I thought we were going to step up and shut everyone down, humiliate them for their disbelief. Maybe it's just because I know we are better than this.
I know most of you out there are sitting there (if you have even gotten this far) and are bitching that the last time your team WENT to the Superbowl, or Stanley Cup Finals, or World Series was a LOOONG time ago and I should just continue to admire the fun Lord Stanley Cup being held by my Bruin Boys. But with the September collapse to top all September collapses and now this humiliating 21-17 loss, I'm starting to feel as though we've lost our super-powers. We are but mere mortals. It kind of sucks. New England has some of the biggest sports franchises, most expensive franchises, and those boys put-out (in the best possible way of course). But this whole losing thing is foreign to my generation. My grandfather was born and died without ever seeing a Red Sox World Series win (Born:1919 Died: 1998). I've seen all four major sport teams win. All of them. But this dive back towards Earth hurts knowing what greatness we are capable of and watching it fall away as we throw more and more money towards these descending creatures who refuse to admit wrong-doing, but are turning into spoiled brats. Both players and fans. Maybe a drought is what New England needs. Bring us to our knees, so that in our fight to rise again we can appreciate the triumphs and the defeats and know that we actually played our hearts out. Not that we couldn't beat ourselves in the mind-field.
I guess all that's left is to pray the Bruins can repeat, or that we can start to re-evaluate how to build a championship.

Happy New Year A.K.A Happy February...

So it has been quite a while since we have last spoken. Or since I was able to write anything. It's been a rough past few months, getting through the holidays and getting back into the swing of things at work. But I've also been afraid to come back here. I started this blog because I felt like I had something to say. Something worth saying and subsequently, something worth reading. But in order to be myself here online, I had to seem perfect, I had to present the best possibly version of myself. Isn't that what we all do? We present the best possible version of ourselves here on the internet, where we don't really have a face if we chose not to parade it around. But I think if I really want to be able to write here regularly and without fear of being judged for having less than phenomenal work, I have to be honest about who I am. In October of 2011 I was diagnosed by a psychologist with Social Anxiety and Depression. Which explains my lack of content here, because I was afraid to be judged (anxiety) and afraid to talk about how sometimes my life isn't perfect (depression). 

I’m 22 years old. And I get depressed because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I feel as if my whole life I’ve been guided down this brilliantly lit street. Each new block being cascaded by the street lights leading me through elementary school, middle school, high school, and then college. And then this nice, serene alley-like path leads to a 10 lane interstate in every possible direction, with no street-lights whatsoever. Just the headlights of fellow travelers as they speed by and leave you in the dust. And my immediate response is to curl up in a ball and cry. I don’t know what to do. I can’t turn around, as life is only lived in one direction, but I just don’t know how to take the proper steps to ease myself onto this interstate. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like not only am I afraid of the interstate, I’m also trying to conquer it with a ten speed bicycle. I am ill prepared for life in the real world. Part of that is my parents, and face it, when aren’t our parents at fault for some of it. But also, I’ve just never felt as if I would have to face something like this so ill prepared. I thought my life was going to magically spread itself before me, road-block-less and all.

But that’s what I get for being an American…

I'll admit it, my life has been really easy in comparison with others. Which makes it hard for my to admit that I'm depressed, because people in situations so much worse than my own are much happier and coping so much better. Who am I to complain? Some selfish middle-class chick who has a good job and a loving family. ...Yeah, what a shitty life you lead Missy. And I'm not saying my life is shitty, I'm saying I don't know how to handle my life not being perfect. 

I initially started this blog in hopes that others would read it, and enjoy my astounding sense of humor and want to be my new best friend. But in order to get some adoring fans, I felt I needed to be up-front about how I feel. I can't sit here and pretend to be someone I'm not. So I'm not going to do that any more. However, as a fun disclaimer, I don't plan on sitting here bitching about how my salad didn't have low-fat dressing on it today, but was instead full-fattening and delicious. I want to write about what I feel comfortable telling you. About how I view my world. About my daily struggles and my semi-regular triumphs. I want to be apart of something much larger than me. While I do work for a rather large business and therefore am apart of something large and wonderful, I want to be feel as though I am a vital part to something I love, and not just a replaceable cog somewhere deep in the underbelly of the machine.

So a very belated toast to the new year, and to a new hope that this small, barely read blog, will be viewed by someone else who is interested in my stories or who at least is literate.

Until next time...

"What do you want for Christmas...?"

Welcome to the best and worst part of every year. It's that time where we are forced to spend time with unwanted family and purchase insane gifts, like the combination coffee maker-cellphone. While I sound nice and cynical, I don't really mean it. I love the Holidays. I am a big fan of Christmas, (being raised Christian and all) though my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, gets incredibly overshadowed thanks to Black Friday and the big guy with the beard and a red-nosed reindeer. I don't hold a grudge, I just enjoy the season.
But one of the things that has been incredibly hard for me this year was to figure out what I wanted. I don't mean in the "I want the new iPod", or "a magical Unicorn" kind of way. But what I want to get out of this wonderful time of year.
I was lucky enough, these three delicate days before Christmas to finally figure out, and actually receive what I wanted for Christmas, even before I could articulate it. This morning my boss walked into my office, thanked me for the card that I had left on his desk this morning, and handed me a card. He then thanked me for the work that I've been doing and then went on about his day. I opened the card and yes, there was a bonus inside, but money wasn't what I wanted (though I wouldn't turn it down...) It was the little note on the inside of the card, again thanking me for all the hard work and how great it was to have me around.
This was when the light appeared, (literally and figuratively, minutes later the bulb above my desk was replaced...) all I had wanted was to be appreciated. I don't want the new Kindle, or any kind of crazy junk for my car, I wanted my existence here on Earth to be recognized with the easiest, and by far cheapest, gift there is to give, appreciation.
I don't need validation that I do a good job, my ego does that enough for me as I leave my office night after night. I had just hoped that someone would notice what I do and that no matter what I give everything my all.
And that's what this wonderful season is all about. While the kids love the toys and the Santa routine, the rest of us just want to be shown that we are, in fact, appreciated. Please don't mistake my tale here for something other than what it is, my realization that all I want for Christmas is appreciation. I'm not going to go on for line after line for hours on end about how we should all be nice, hold hands, and skip together. I just think that we, as a group, need to put down some of the crap that we carry everywhere and start actually thinking. Start actually feeling something again. And hell, appreciation may not be what all of us want, some may want love, or general fulfillment, or some other kind of intrinsic need. I just needed appreciation, and the ability to learn to articulate it to other. So here it is, my articulation, my response to my Mom and boyfriend's continual nagging about, "What do you want for Christmas?"  Give me a hug, say thank you, and that's all I need this year.

Merry Christmas, Happy 3rd night of Hanukkah, Happy Holidays (no matter what they are), Season's Greetings and all that jazz... :)

One Life At A Time

Okay so today isn't really a one-word story. It's more like one commentary on one story.
I was reading a local newspaper online when I saw a story that is unfolding in New England. It was about a set of identical, male, twins, one of whom has decided to become a woman. They are currently 14 years old, though the story of Nikki's struggle with her gender has been going on for almost all of her life.
I grew up in a small town and never knew anyone who was very different from my Christian, Western European heritage. I didn't even know anyone, on a personal level, who was Jewish until I was in college. (Yes, I have lead, and in most instances continue to lead a very sheltered life.) But I remember one day looking at a friend's Facebook, she had changed her name to a male name. Now, there are very few of us who don't mess with our Facebook names for various reasons, but it wasn't until much further investigating that I realized that she, my friend whom I had done multiple school activities with, had, (now I'm not quite sure of the terminology on this one, so please, try not to judge the rest of this sentence too harsh) decided to come out as a transgender. She is continuing to develop into a he. I cannot even imagine the intense feelings that he must have gone through not feeling as though he worked in his life as a female. But what struck me today was just how young these twins are and are making these life-altering decisions.
Now after reading the entire article, from first word to last, I understand that it isn't life-altering as it is making life endurable and comfortable for Nikki. But to have that much strength and conviction from such a young age, it just amazes me. To always know who you are and what you want is something that has eluded me for quite some time. But I applaud her, even give her a standing ovation. And an equally supportive standing ovation to her parents and brother. This is a tough road and something that most people, who are so much older than Nikki, will never be able to face never mind travel down it.
Now I have no intention of coming out as something other than my man-loving female self, I'm boring and stereotypical, and like Nikki, I accept that about myself. But it doesn't mean that I don't support her decision or others decisions to come out and be themselves. Part of my own journey into adult life has been the continuous struggle about what I want to do and who I want to be. And reading this story about just how terrible some human beings can be to one another makes me seriously think about going into some kind of advocacy field. I couldn't imagine being so hateful towards other people, and I would really (I think) enjoy being able to be a voice and an aid for people who find themselves without help. I'm only a matter of months into my big-girl job, but not believing in the cause you work for can make the work day long and boring. But doing something that you feel matters seems like it can be the most rewarding kind of job...

Just some food for thought.

Go Nikki!

Thinking Little to Write Big

So now that I've finished freaking out about my friends' recent engagement, I have begun thinking about what I write. Why I haven't written anything in a long while (here or anywhere really). But also, what I write about, how I come to these topics and therefore these conclusions. As I was reading Liz Gilbert's book Committed, the sequel to her world famous book (and now movie) Eat, Pray, Love, I discovered why I have such a hard time writing.
The whole novel is a love story about her and her now husband, and the forces (US Homeland Security) which pushed her into matrimony. So in one particular chapter she writes about intimacy (not just sex) but actual personal intimacy and how that is the bond that we humans crave in a marriage. She discusses how we grow to know some one else, how it is not the life we live, but the stories we share that can create such a wonderful, lasting (hopefully) bond between lovers. She mentions how her and her husband used to tell each other stories late at night about anything and everything. These late-night story hours would begin with just one word.
I even remember discussing the poetry I was writing back in college (for my poetry course, of course) and my mother looked at me and said, "so does that mean if I gave you a word, any word, say... chimney, you should be able to write poetry about it?" I remember being a little intimidated by this impending chimney. Because I had never been asked to write anything about one word. Hell, normally my writings (both poetic and not nearly so poetic) came from volumes of research or hours of film. I never looked at any of the things I wrote as being defined by one word. My poor Senior Honors Thesis Advisor had to look at me one day and point blank tell me that if I expected to write a paper (a lengthy 25 page paper I might add) on the LARGE scope that I had just brought before her as my thesis, that it would take me years, and it would still be too large and probably turn out like crap.
So while over the years I have learned that some amazing things come from just one word, I haven't been able to harness that kind of power. But I would like to try. I want to be able to whip out at a moments notice poetry or a story that has to do with only one word, only one dog, one mattress, one petunia... When I watched Eat, Pray, Love (the film, hence the italics) I loved the discussion Liz had in Rome with her new Italian friends. It was about the words that define us, the city, anything. She wasn't allowed to be defined by her association to gentlemen or family, or her profession. It had to be something else. She ended up, not to ruin the ending for anyone, picking a word that she just thought was beautiful. I want that. I want to be able to associate myself with a particular word. I want to be able to write about a particular word.
I think this want/need to be ONE word or ONE things comes from the issue I'm having finding my place in the world. I am a daughter, sister, cousin, Administrative Assistant, pain in the ass, driver, walker, thinker, reader, writer, planner, ... etc. My life just feels so complicated. And to further complicate it I just don't know where I am any more. I want to be a student. But I think that is mostly because my comfort zone is a classroom. I want to be a writer, but I'm terrified that I am no where near being experienced enough, or good enough to actually accomplish that. I want to be an event planner, because I have an unnatural ability to for see issues and plan ahead for the inevitable. I like being in control of my life (if you couldn't already tell) these different avenues allow me to be just that. In control of my education, of word choices and my own ideas, of everyone else's parties and functions. The job I hold now, as an Administrative Assistant, allows me to be in control of my office and of the professional life which my boss leads. I don't want to be a dictator, nor do I think of myself as such. I just like knowing that I create my own destiny. My own words. My own life.
So, my goal, at least for the next week (if I plan too far in advance there is no way it is going to happen because I lose interest in things at an alarming rate, so small goals are goals for me!) is to choose a word and write about it. Write a story, do research on, just look into. I want to start investigating more of the world and more of myself through the English language. Hopefully this will mean that I will be more experienced in writing, in life and that will lead down a much more structured road. All those things I am incredibly hopeful for.
Also, though I doubt there are very many people who have made it to the bottom of this post (as sadly I do check my stats for this page on a regular basis...) I would love any input, thoughts, or words that would be fun for another human being to read. I love writing online for its anonymity, but I also like writing here for the possibility of so many different people to come together someplace I "created" to socialize and meet. But then again this blog may end up just being for me, which I am grateful for and completely accepting of.

Until we meet again...