Thursday Drag-fest

So I'm having the hardest time keeping myself going today... Oy! The coffee isn't working, (The Horror!!!) I even resorted to going into my boss's office (which was empty, thankfully) and stretching, trying to rejuvinate myself. I am just pooped. This whole not going to bed until late thing, but getting up earlier these past 2 weeks than I have in the past year are REALLY starting to get to me. I seriously need to figure out a new system for my sleep habits. I need to be able to function at work so that I'm not falling asleep at my desk...

So I am in the process of a major blog update, hence my cute little drop-in. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm trying reeeeeeeeaaaally hard to post constantly, just to continue to keep my writing continuous. So big plans going on in my neck of the woods. Hopefully that is going to mean big exciting things :) Cause this chick-y needs some change and some excitement.

Well for all the young'uns out there, enjoy your Thirsty Thursday, I'm thinking the way my body is right now, I might even skip Zumba tonight and just go to bed... :-/ God it stinks being old, aka early twenties......

<3 Elizabeth

I have been single now for about a month. This is the first time in almost two years that I find myself single, and it can be rather scary. I think the most terrifying part about it, is that I'm finally happy. If I have no desire to do something, I don't have to. I don't have to compromise anymore. Which sounds incredibly selfish, but as someone in her early twenties, it's is a fantastic feeling.
I would lie to you if I said that I haven't been talking to someone and while we did go on a date Friday, I'm not worried about what happens next. If it works, that's great, if it doesn't, its not the end of the world. So many women, myself included, discuss how they lose themselves in their relationships. One of my personal heroes is Liz Gilbert, and when I saw Julia Roberts playing Liz, talking about loving herself, dots just started to connect and I just felt so relieved that this wasn't just me, and that there are always other options. Choosing to stay takes just as much effort as choosing to go, because there will always be emotional strains and drains, so the question is, which option is right for me?
So right now, I am choosing to focus on myself. If a man happens to come along, fantastic, if not, then I'm going to be just fine. It has taken me my whole life plus some extended time I therapy to recognize that I am what is best for me. And that I am so lucky, blessed, and grateful for myself and my happiness.
Have a great rest of your weekend before the dreaded Monday arrives, and Go Pats! :-)

So it's been quite a while since I've been around these parts, huh? A few months ago I decided to try a different blog site and see what would happen. Then one day I came back here and decided that what was best for me was to begin really blogging here, where I had started, so that all of my embarrassing posts were here. It's a way of accepting myself by accepting my past, which is something I'm definitely not good at. So the past few days, for almost a week really, I've been trying to figure out how I wanted to re-introduce myself, what I wanted to plan for this blog, for myself. But, life always has a way of changing things.
This morning I received a text from my dad, saying that a friend of our family had passed away last night. Her name is Gail, and while I only really ever saw her at the Football cookouts and parties during the Fall and Winter, plus that one time in Vegas, I still can't believe she is gone. She hadn't been sick, one day about a week and a half ago she colapsed at her salon, and once she had been rushed to the ER, they found out she had had an aneurysm. Yesterday, they took her off of life support, as she had been in a drug-induced coma. I just can't believe in the blink of an eye, she is gone. I saw here just 3 weeks ago at the Football Kick-off Cookout, we talked about my recent trip to England and how awesome the Patriots were doing that first game.
Life is so delicate. That's all I can think of this morning, how incredibly everything changes and so quickly. I've been reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin, and have been trying to become more aware of my life, about making more decisions and not just floating along. I also found a great link yesterday via Pinterest:

Source: mightygirl.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

And it's all lead my to this one conclusion. Life is so short, and I'm so sick of waiting around for it to happen. I have been one of those people who are constantly too afraid to make a mistake, so I end up not doing much of anything. So that is my Happiness Project right now, to start "living deliberately" (now that I finally understand what the hell Thoreau was talking about...). I am sick of regrets, I am sick of not enjoying myself. So I'm not going to do those things anymore. I am going to live life fully. Always. <3 I'm still in the planning phase of how to go about living deliberately, but I definitely didn't want that to deter me from writing this post I had been procrastinating. Because if I hadn't done it now, who knows if I ever would have gotten the chance...

~Elizabeth

So with work being particularly dead this week I've had a lot of time to think about my life. I've also had a lot of time to read. So here are some of the things I've learned through my "self-reflection" (aka crying) and my readings.

Deep Thinking (kind of): 

If I don't sit down and write things or actually actively think about my life, I get what I am now calling "emotional constipation". I get overloaded with emotions to a breaking point and then I weep while laying in bed on a Thursday afternoon when I should be at Zumba. ...Okay, so the second half of that was pretty strictly referring to yesterday, however; that shit happens. One of the most important parts of therapy has been me figuring out how to not cry. I am a crier. It's a part of who I am (especially that special time of month I now refer to as "shark week"). So while missing my most exciting and group-oriented exercise activity, I truly believe my meltdown was a HUGE NEON SIGN in the face saying: "do not neglect to write and to understand your feelings". 

Reading Enlightenment:

1) I have a tendency to enjoy ordering books from amazon.com rather randomly. (Which is why I refuse to own a Kindle though they are convenient and cute.) This tendency also includes me ordering memoirs about people who have battled, and have learned to move forward, from their depression. The first book was, Hide & Seek by Wendy Aron who's wonderful ability to make a joke at her anxiety and depression made me realize how my sense of humor could be part of the solution, not just a sarcastic addition to my troubles. And that revelation really did help me months ago when I was seriously struggling and in between therapists. This evening I finished reading "Struck by Living: From Depression to Hope" by Julie Hersh. I have been doing much better with my depression, especially since starting consistent physical activity and therapy with the most wonderful woman named Susan. Julie's incredible journey through depression throughout most of her life reminded me how fragile we all are. This life is a gift, even if sometimes we are unable to recognize the gift through the daze and darkness. For anyone who struggles with anxiety or depression I highly recommend these books, it allows a view that is different, yet told from a landscape that all people who struggle with depression and anxiety recognize and relate to. Not that I have any kind of formal medical or psychiatric training, I just found the two enlightening, and dare I say it... really enjoyable.

2) Now along with reading Hersh's book on my way to and from work, while at  work I found a wonderful blog Holly Would If She Could. While my book reading has been about the depression, this blog is all about where I hope to be heading. Holly discusses her life, style, exercise, and shares a TON of healthy recipes that fit into her Paleo way of life. (I think if she were to see this and see that i had labeled it a diet, might get upset... So as not to disappoint my new-found hero, I'm giving it the esteemed title, "lifestyle". And really, the way she cooks and uses it, it is WAAAAY more than a fad diet.) But this blog, along with being funny and entertaining is helping me see the bright, shiny, thin side of life. What initially got me hooked was her discussion about her weight-loss path. I found it enjoyable while not overpowering. She is not one to demand you reject your way of life and never eat another grain again. I like how real her blog is, how excited about everything (including cooking dinner... even when shes SICK!) And in the few short days that I have been reading I've found her energy so exciting and her extensive (incredibly extensive) 2012 Goals list inspiring.

So with all of this thinking and wonderful reading, my plan this fantastic Memorial Day weekend is to make my a 2nd half of 2012 Goals list. I'm hoping that with such wonderful opportunities in the next six months (including the impeding 23rd birthday in June!) I will be able to continue my climb towards continued happiness and balance. Having Goals is the first step! So I will hopefully be posting those steps here once I figure out what exactly it is I want. And if you were to ask my boyfriend, the wonderful Shawn, that is NOT an easy task.

Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone! "And I'll see you after the weekend..."

The Wonderful World of What If's

Good Morning! (or afternoon...)

I haven't been here in a while and for that I apologize. I can give you a million excuses, God knows I've been storing and using those for years. But the reason that I haven't been writing is because I haven't known what to say, what to write, or what I really wanted this blog to be about. I have been doing research and so many other bloggers have a theme, like marriage, or raising children. I just like to complain about the injustices in my life. Which aren't that many, nor are they truly blog-worthy. So this morning I came up with an idea. It is this absolutely insane idea.

What if I worked for what I wanted? What if I allowed myself the right to work harder and lose weight? What if I finally started writing a book (and working on my blog)? What if I finally inspire others the way I watch others inspire me? What if I stopped asking what if and made it happen?

So there it is. This blog is me, learning how to live a fulfilling life in any form that I choose. I'm still fighting with my depression, (thanks to a WONDERFUL therapist I don't have to fight quite so hard) and I'm still just Elizabeth. But I am going to document my day-to-day dealings with leading a happy, healthy, fulfilling life.

Today I finally signed-up (and paid [gasp!]) for a Weight Watchers membership. I have done weight watchers (back when their entire booklet was thinner than a deckof cards mind you) and I had great success with it, but just never really followed through. I tried to do this in January (like ever other knuckle head with a scale) but gave up after a few weeks because I'm a) impatient and the pounds weren't running away from my midsection fast enough and b) I wasn't mixing up my eating. I was eating the depriving myself of the same things everyday. This combination of things eventually lead to eating the better portion of a 1lb bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs (those things are like my crack! If they were available year round I would easily be 500lbs). But in April I started using Pinterest (which is my work-crack). I started finding inspirational quotes and exercises along with all kinds of fun cake decorations. My goal was to do 50 workouts before I step foot on a cruise in July. And I am incredibly proud to announce that as of today I am 25 workouts down in under 6 weeks. :) The unfortunate news that comes along with that is that my weight has been fluctuating in the same 8 lb range. I haven't done any major changes to my diet, therefore because I am suddenly doing so much physical activity, I am allowing myself anything covered in chocolate or cheese I can find. But today, spending actual money on my diet means I am actually making progress. If I can drop over $50 at Barnes & Nobel then another $40 on Amazon.com on books in the course of 4 days. I can DEFINITELY afford to spend $5/week on eating and living healthier.

So there it is, step one: admitting my problem, identifying what I'm doing right, then focusing on fixing all of the other crap.

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Source: quotediary.me via Elizabeth on Pinterest

Where Was Myra??

So as you read my blog, I'm hoping that you will learn something new and exciting about me with each and every post. Tonight's post is about my preferences in the wonderful game of American Football. Of which my team has undoubtedly let me down. For those of you who understand the reference in my title, Kudos, to those of you who don't, I'll spell it out for you. I'm a Patriots fan. And while I didn't cry tonight (like I did in 2003 when the Sox lost the ALCS game to the Yanks), I was definitely not a happy camper. I have been reading a LOT over these past two weeks about the match up and the rivalry and that terrible 2007 Superbowl where my perfect pats got their asses kicked by yet another NY team. I was waiting for redemption, waiting to party like it's 1999 (or better yet, like it was 2001, 2003, or 2004). What I got was a good-for-nothing Brady and a defense that actually tried to hold there shit together with a decent amount of success but was unsupported by the offense. And the worst part, we lost this game because of ourselves. The Giants really weren't doing anything spectacular, they were just forcing us to question our abilities, and God knows that opening, one-play drive, that resulted in a safety and the first 2 damn points of the game definitely didn't do much for our self-esteem. But we couldn't put it behind us. We couldn't keep the ghosts of 2007 from hanging over Lucas Oil Stadium, and we couldn't seem to find the light from Mrs. Myra Kraft from helping guide us to the end zone. While all the blogs, articles, and television reports I absorbed over the past two weeks were very divided, most favoring the Giants, while my local reporters and writers exclaiming to the world that we are the best, we are the champions. It sucks that the 99% was right. We weren't. Brady didn't show up. One Brady quote sums up both the Division Title Game and the Superbowl, "I sucked pretty bad today..." ...Well, yeah, you did then, and you let us down now too. Thanks. Maybe your wife should stop asking for prayers and start letting you do you goddamn job. Forget Ugg, and all the other insanity that isn't football, and PLAY FOOTBALL. You know, that JOB that you're paid for.
I sound so grumpy. Maybe it's because I'm tired and I know I'm going to have to get up soon to go to work, maybe it's because I thought we were going to step up and shut everyone down, humiliate them for their disbelief. Maybe it's just because I know we are better than this.
I know most of you out there are sitting there (if you have even gotten this far) and are bitching that the last time your team WENT to the Superbowl, or Stanley Cup Finals, or World Series was a LOOONG time ago and I should just continue to admire the fun Lord Stanley Cup being held by my Bruin Boys. But with the September collapse to top all September collapses and now this humiliating 21-17 loss, I'm starting to feel as though we've lost our super-powers. We are but mere mortals. It kind of sucks. New England has some of the biggest sports franchises, most expensive franchises, and those boys put-out (in the best possible way of course). But this whole losing thing is foreign to my generation. My grandfather was born and died without ever seeing a Red Sox World Series win (Born:1919 Died: 1998). I've seen all four major sport teams win. All of them. But this dive back towards Earth hurts knowing what greatness we are capable of and watching it fall away as we throw more and more money towards these descending creatures who refuse to admit wrong-doing, but are turning into spoiled brats. Both players and fans. Maybe a drought is what New England needs. Bring us to our knees, so that in our fight to rise again we can appreciate the triumphs and the defeats and know that we actually played our hearts out. Not that we couldn't beat ourselves in the mind-field.
I guess all that's left is to pray the Bruins can repeat, or that we can start to re-evaluate how to build a championship.

Happy New Year A.K.A Happy February...

So it has been quite a while since we have last spoken. Or since I was able to write anything. It's been a rough past few months, getting through the holidays and getting back into the swing of things at work. But I've also been afraid to come back here. I started this blog because I felt like I had something to say. Something worth saying and subsequently, something worth reading. But in order to be myself here online, I had to seem perfect, I had to present the best possibly version of myself. Isn't that what we all do? We present the best possible version of ourselves here on the internet, where we don't really have a face if we chose not to parade it around. But I think if I really want to be able to write here regularly and without fear of being judged for having less than phenomenal work, I have to be honest about who I am. In October of 2011 I was diagnosed by a psychologist with Social Anxiety and Depression. Which explains my lack of content here, because I was afraid to be judged (anxiety) and afraid to talk about how sometimes my life isn't perfect (depression). 

I’m 22 years old. And I get depressed because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I feel as if my whole life I’ve been guided down this brilliantly lit street. Each new block being cascaded by the street lights leading me through elementary school, middle school, high school, and then college. And then this nice, serene alley-like path leads to a 10 lane interstate in every possible direction, with no street-lights whatsoever. Just the headlights of fellow travelers as they speed by and leave you in the dust. And my immediate response is to curl up in a ball and cry. I don’t know what to do. I can’t turn around, as life is only lived in one direction, but I just don’t know how to take the proper steps to ease myself onto this interstate. I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like not only am I afraid of the interstate, I’m also trying to conquer it with a ten speed bicycle. I am ill prepared for life in the real world. Part of that is my parents, and face it, when aren’t our parents at fault for some of it. But also, I’ve just never felt as if I would have to face something like this so ill prepared. I thought my life was going to magically spread itself before me, road-block-less and all.

But that’s what I get for being an American…

I'll admit it, my life has been really easy in comparison with others. Which makes it hard for my to admit that I'm depressed, because people in situations so much worse than my own are much happier and coping so much better. Who am I to complain? Some selfish middle-class chick who has a good job and a loving family. ...Yeah, what a shitty life you lead Missy. And I'm not saying my life is shitty, I'm saying I don't know how to handle my life not being perfect. 

I initially started this blog in hopes that others would read it, and enjoy my astounding sense of humor and want to be my new best friend. But in order to get some adoring fans, I felt I needed to be up-front about how I feel. I can't sit here and pretend to be someone I'm not. So I'm not going to do that any more. However, as a fun disclaimer, I don't plan on sitting here bitching about how my salad didn't have low-fat dressing on it today, but was instead full-fattening and delicious. I want to write about what I feel comfortable telling you. About how I view my world. About my daily struggles and my semi-regular triumphs. I want to be apart of something much larger than me. While I do work for a rather large business and therefore am apart of something large and wonderful, I want to be feel as though I am a vital part to something I love, and not just a replaceable cog somewhere deep in the underbelly of the machine.

So a very belated toast to the new year, and to a new hope that this small, barely read blog, will be viewed by someone else who is interested in my stories or who at least is literate.

Until next time...